Can't Accept My Stepson
TheNewMomma
21 years ago
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angel18515
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agolaurels4u
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Can't get with the step-son
Comments (17)I'm not cranky, nor am I going to attack... I can understand how it would be difficult to build a relationship with a child when you do not care for his/her personality... there are five children in total and I'm sure the others take up plenty of your time & energy. You are not obligated to love him or have a relationship any more than he is obligated to love or have a relationship with you. Let his father parent him. It's not your job. He does not live there, he only visits... so let his father spend time with him and have a relationship with him. You can focus on your children. Having unrealistic expectations about everyone in the family should feel any certain way about each other, is only setting up disappointments. You are not going to change his personality, he is not going to warm up to you when he may feel your dislike of his personality. If you can't handle accepting that you are not going to change him, then you might consider leaving the relationship or removing yourself from the situation when he is there. It would be horrible if your feelings make his visits less than enjoyable for him and his father or worse, if he were to stop seeing his father because of you. So, take him off your to do list and move on. He is not your child, he is not your problem... there is nothing to fix besides your attitude toward him. Quite frankly, I was a bit outraged at the mention of DNA. My SD is 10. A few months ago, her mother shouted at my DH that he isn't even her father... and for a couple of days, he considered a DNA test. My SD looks NOTHING like my DH. I would be lying if I said it never crossed my mind but she is 10 years old, he is her father... he loves her & she loves him. Isn't that more important than DNA? I asked my DH what he would do if the results came back that he was not biologically her father, he didn't want to find out. It would devastate him. I cannot imagine why anyone would voice that question after so many years when a relationship has been formed and the one that will be crushed will surely be the child if they lost the person they thought was their parent. How horrible is that? It made my heart break when I read that. As for shaping kids that don't live with you... kids are not shaped by ONE person. They are shaped by all the life experiences and people in their lives. Parents are primary but they learn from their teachers, friends, neighbors, clergy, and even strangers they see in public, who they may never meet. I also don't believe it's possible to contain your displeasure for someone unless you are good at being fake. You may smile but we all give out vibes and kids are excellent at feeling that out... from birth. If you can't change your feelings, the best thing you can do to make the situation bearable for everyone is to keep your distance and let him have a relationship with his father....See MoreJealous of my stepson
Comments (7)Ok.. since everyone else has completely beat you down i have to put my two cents in. i understand how you feel and i understand that you can't control how you feel in your heart. My boyfriend has two girls and they really like me.. i know i'm lucky considering what other women go through and the horror stories on here. i will admit i favor one of the girls over the other. One is easy going (kid A)and the other is in constant need of attention and is not as kind hearted as the one i favor (kid B). You know the kind.. she loves the mirror and she's quick to stick her tongue out at times.. basically the girl i hated in high school. i tend to notice that her Dad seems to like her better, although he would never admit it! Anyway, with me, i'm the problem child. i'm the selfish one because even though i am giving of my time and taking on a SITUATION and i'm good to them equally, i still consider myself selfish at times because every now and then i feel very jealous of kid b.. and only kid b. If it was just easy going kid A, i would have no problem with her. But when i see my boyfriend cuddling and adoring Kid B i want to cringe and vomit at times. i know a lot of this stems from my own dad not being the psychologically correct dad that actually plays with his kids, talks about their feelings and their kid life with them. My dad would do anything for me, but not once did we play catch or monopoly or anything that was all about me. Ok, one time we had a daughter/father day but that was it. My mom must have said something to him. So now that i'm a grown woman and i finally found a great guy i feel pretty pissed off occasionally that his kids take so much of his adoration and attention and i'm not the one and only apple of his eye.. even though i KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING FOR HIM TO DO. i wish he had a son instead of two girls, so that i could not be so aware of attention games that girls often throw out there. We are going on 5 years now and i had hoped that i could shake this disease of mine. It's gotten better, but you know, we live in a new world of mixed families and it's a new struggle. You probably just want your man all to yourself.. as do i. But i just tell myself that i am probably in their lives for a reason (i treat them better than their mom)and maybe i'm here to clear out some old karma. It's not the worst thing that could happen and the more you focus on it, the worst it will get. If i continue to have issues i will go to a psychologist. i also want to start meditating again and just focus on being good and doing the right thing, because maybe this situation is here to make me a better person. i just wanted to reach out to you because, hey, i get it. i know what you're feeling. When i try to talk to my best friend about it, i get responses like the ones above.. "you're being a jerk". But you don't grow up and become numb.. you are always growing. When you feel jealous, take a breather and do something nice for yourself. Also i find that it's a good remedy to spend time alone with the girls after i've pulled myself together. And third if i lose my cool with them, i think it's ok to let them know that i never said i was perfect, i say something like, "you know, i'm sorry i snapped at you, i'm just having a bad day today." Create your own situation.. and think of him as a child you were both meant to nurture. Good luck.You are not a bad person.. probably just got hurt somewhere in your life that has nothing to do with your step son. Try patting yourself on the back on occasion because a lot of people would not be strong enough to be a step parent. Look for the root of your problem and deal with that head on. Also, if you aren't getting the attention you need from your man, that is a whole other issue that you will need to take up with him. In the real world, ppl are not all consumed with our problems and sometimes people raise kids in a way that makes them think they are the center of the earth. Those people are the ones you can't stand working with. They are the ones that say incredibly obnoxious things. And even though we should spend a great deal of time with children, it does not mean you should not have adult time to yourself or with your husband as well. In addition, it wouldn't hurt to talk things out with him and possibly get a pat on the back from him too. Some parents think nothing of spending 24/7 w their kids and over look the fact that maybe that's not your ideal way to spend the day. Best of luck to you. And here's a couple pats on the back from me!...See MoreStepson sexually abusing my son? Husband in denial.
Comments (13)In the special needs community, we have an acronym that everyone knows: DID, which stands for Dads In Denial. Deep down inside, Mom knows there is something wrong with her child, but Dad refuses to admit it, refuses to even consider it. Sound like you've got a classic Dad In Denial. Cole sounds like a very deeply troubled young man, and he's chosen sexual ways of acting out, which spread the trauma throughout the rest of the family. Quite simply, that boy needs MAJOR help, and he needs to be separated from the younger children who are not able to adequately protect themselves. (Is it possible Cole was sexually abused? He's certainly acting out in ways that suggest something of the sort...) Not to minimize the trauma to your son -- but I suspect if it ends now and Cole moves out for a while and gets into treatment, that your son will be able to put it into perspective and move on in a healthy way. But if nothing chages? My goodness - What message will this send your kids? As a parent, you simply HAVE to protect them. You have to. They have to know that you, as a parent, will protect them from harm. If your marriage truly is a good one, I'd send all of the kids out for an evening and have a heart to heart with him. PREPARE your side in advance, because you need to say what you need to say, and having it organized and streamlined may be the only way to make sure it happens. Key points: -- Cole needs MAJOR help. He's been acting out for a long time, but his behavior has taken a turn toward sexually victimizing others. In a nutshell, he is acting like a young sexual predator. Cole needs help and as his parents, you and Dad NEED to see that he gets it - NOW. -- Being in the same house with an untreated Cole is dangerous for your children. Your son has already been damaged, at this point, probably not irreparably, but only because the problem was discovered. Now that you know about it, you, as a responsible parent, NEED to act on it. You cannot ask your son to live under the same roof with the brother who sexually abused him. -- You love your husband, your marriage and your family. After much soul-searching, you have come to the conclusion that to save your family, Cole and your children cannot live under the same roof. And because it would be unbearably cruel to 'abandon' Cole all over again, Dad should take him and move out while Cole starts treatment. You can have family dinners together and still be committed to your marriage and family -- but you need to protect your children. Without Dad's help, the family cannot survive. So either he supports the separation, or you need to pursue a divorce. Best of luck to you -- And please, stay strong for your children's sake....See Morecan't stand step-son
Comments (15)@ parent of one: i know that smacking his bum was not the best choice but given the cirucumstances it was all i could think of to get it through his head that he'd better not do that again. and he hasn't so i guess it served it's purpose. other than that i think i will just continue to step back and keep my distance if possible. i have already done the parenting courses. i have also been attending the odd lecture when they come up. there is a support group i could attend but DH does not want to go, and he does not want me to take the kids even if there is childcare there and i am hesitant to leave him with all the children for the amount of time it would take to get there and be back because he is lacking in the patience department. he also will not go to any type of parenting group or agree to have anyone come into the home and 'tell him how to raise his kids' as he puts it. i realize that SS is too young to be given up on but don't want to be the one who has to deal with it. i will be nice to him and help him with things if i need to but i'm not goint to volunteer to do it if he doesn't ask me. he is not all bad. he spent about half an hour sitting on me today and hugging my neck while i was watching a movie. that was nice. @mom of 4. dh does not really listen to me. i have tried to show him things i've learned at parenting courses and he always says okay he'll try it but if he does it's once and then that's it. i can't even get him to go to the dentist regularely nevermind a therapist. he has his own issues which is why i was handling everything with SS on my own as well as most of the other kids although he does have alot more patience and understanding for the other 2 younger kids....See Morecopiano23
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