New older life step parent!!

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It would've been better, perhaps, if your husband had told you about the child and adoption before you and he married. But ... that child does exist now, as an adult.

I don't really understand why you are so against them having a relationship or letting her be part of your life, too. Yes, your husband should have told you when she first contacted him and you and he talked it out and prepared. Why do you think he didn't? Was he afraid of your reaction? Was he trying to see what type of a person she is before welcoming her into his/your world?

The birth mother lives 5 minutes from you? Wow - has your husband been aware of that? And when you say "a relationship has begun", do you mean between your husband and the daughter or between your husband and the birth mother?

As you consider your own feelings, think about your husband's. There is a person that he sired (he's just her biological father, not her father) and he's older and wiser now and, in my opinion, deserves a chance if that's what he wants. Of course, he needs to be considerate of you, too.

Thanks for your reply. i am not against them having a relationship-they are already having one! We have welcomed the daughter/husband into our home more than once and have met them along with other family to eat out. The problem is that a couple of our children are pushing for my husband to meet his daughter alone and he prefers that I be with him on any visits. I have told him to be honest about his feelings and wishes about this and i will understand. We have become very open with each other and are commincating more than ever before, putting all of our our feelings on the table. As well, we have become completely open with each other regarding our phone/email messages with his daughter. i am well aware that this is the ”honeymoon ” stage for everyone but I would really like things to slow down.

Regarding the birth mother, my husband knew she lived nearby but never the exact location and he does not wish her to be brought into our circle at all even though our children have been in contact with her via their new half sib.

i have sought councelling to work through my feelings and have become a stronger person, more vocal about my feelings in a thoughtful way. I will continue to work on accepting this new family member but at the same timeI will not let anyone or anything come ahead of the relationship that my husband and I have worked so hard on!

I get that you were upset that your DH did not tell you about his child before you married and then when she got in touch with him he kept it a secret. That was wrong on his part. But your continuing to hold on to your hurt is also wrong, and it isn’t doing you or your relationship with your husband any good either.

Why are your children advocating that your husband meet his daughter without you there? There must be a reason. You may not want to be pressured into visits, but if the others want to meet up it is churlish of you not to encourage them to do so. Your husband may want you to come along, but you need to be able to say, ”I don’t feel up to it yet, but please, you go along and enjoy yourself.”

You did mention that your husband is in poor health and this is probably at the root of his wish to speed up the process, before it’s too late.

If you can’t get over your hurt then it may end up at the very least tarnishing your relationship with your husband that you say is important to you.

Thank you for your input.

This reunion is only a few weeks old!

Please don’t make me out to be the ”bad guy” here. Healing from the trauma/hurt takes time and I AM working on letting go and focusing on the present.

My children already have a relationship with their half sib and i have NEVER dicouraged that from happening. They are older and can make their own decisions.

My husband and I have spoken at length about his meeting SD on his own and he has no desire to do that AND I have said that if he wishes to do so that it’s ok with me. There are no compulsive decisions made between us, we now discuss everything before decisions are made. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been- this whole thing has ultimately brought us much closer together.

Please remember he is not pushing to speed things up, everyone else is. Forming relationships takes time, not just weeks or even months. SD, my husband and myself al have a group chat to keep in touch.

Bonding with someone who you did not give birth to, nurture and raise could take a long time and no one can speed up that process.