Similar to the cards/zoom call idea, my SIL used this company for my DB's big birthday and it was a huge hit. It was easy to do - film on your phone and load to the site. You have a bit of a short window but very doable I think.

Tribute

For my grandmother’s 90th, she sponsored a dinner for close family but last minute felt too unwell to attend. So we filmed video tributes to her at the dinner (and I subtitled them in LARGE font).

For my husband’s grandfather, he did an open house at the legion hall. Wondering if a wide open space with lots of ventilation might be a good choice as opposed to a house?

I'd say do a zoom session and that way he can see people who may be afar who couldn't otherwise come...safer and cheaper for everyone. For my parents' 50th anniv I asked friends and families to send me something ahead of time...photos, notes, remembrances...which I assembled into an album for them.

If you want to do a live thing then with just a handful you could do that too.

Since masks stress your father out, maybe do a send a card party instead? Imagine if your guests start getting sick after the party. Make him his favorite cake.

I'm almost certain that everyone I would invite would be cautious and vaccinated, but it's such a contentious and unsure time . . . these would be people he sees on a regular basis anyway, but not all on the same day. That's why I was thinking open house. Really want to keep it small. Maybe just a get together with some folks who might travel a bit for a visit. Or I could drive him up to visit a friend in another city, he has a few. I keep telling him I would drive him up to go out to lunch with some friends if he wanted to. We did that once and he enjoyed it. But that was this summer and we had lunch on an open air patio, it was wonderful. Now that cooler weather is setting in it's getting harder and harder to want to go out to a venue . . . as if it wasn't difficult enough already. For my uncle's 95th though, he said his son took him out for dinner, and he was in FL. I'm sure they were as cautious as they could be.

I'd do a combo, a handful of people you trust to take appropriate precautions (whatever you and he deem that to be), and a Zoom party.

Also, I'd really have him decide exactly what he wants. You may be surprised!

Send written invitations.....say something like "Please come if you are Covid vaccinated and able to get out, or join us in a Zoom meeting at ( name an hour the same day as the party but later) we look forward to sharing good times with you".

I attend a couple of things where proof of vaccination is required.....don't be shy, demand!

Your father is 90 and I think you said that most of the guests would also be elderly. We've all learned that the vaccine is not 100% and now boosters are on the horizon. That means the initial immunity is waning and I'm sure you don't want your father or anyone else to become ill. I see nothing wrong with adding a note to the invite - "Please come if you've been vaccinated"

I think the Zoom party is a great idea and for those people who come to the open house - hand them masks at the door.

I feel your pain. Went through the same thing this year with a 90 year old relative. Vaccinated people can still carry and transmit the virus. And even though your dad is vaccinated, he could still catch it. The belief is that, if a vaccinated person catches the virus, it won't be as severe (and I believe that). However, at your dad's advanced age, do you really want to risk it?

We agreed that any risk wasn't worth it (and the birthday girl reluctantly agreed). We ended up doing a wonderful Zoom call and she loved it. It wasn't ideal, but safe.

What if you do an outdoor party and put some heaters next to your dad? I'm glad you're doing something though and I'm sure it will be wonderful!

Thanks for the help. Now gotta figure this Zoom thing out, the setting up part, I've attended many meetings. One thing I can say for the pandemic, it has added to my computer skill set!

A word of Zoom caution: Your dad is hust a couple of years older than mine and we’ve found that zoom calls can be overwhelming and confusing for my dad. His hearing isnt great and its hard to get into the conversation when it comes from all different angles. And worth noting my dad is very sociable and very computer savvy. Hes great with in-person gatherings but not zoom.

I have seen articles in small town newspapers where family members announce the relatives upcoming 90th birthday and ask for people to surprise them with a card. You could still do Zoom calls. Will the people he wants to Zoom with have people to help them with using Zoom?

I would be concerned about in person parties if your area is hot right now and the people involved are elderly-even vaccinated.

Well, he is computer savvy but hard of hearing and has never done Zoom. I saw a notice in our local ad flyer about doing the card thing. But my Dad is so grumpy and negative he would probably make a "thing" about me doing that. Don't ask . . . sigh.

Do you have a garage that you could decorate nicely? Last thanksgiving my nephew's MIL held a "drive by" baby shower .. food, drink and heaters were in the garage-- the open garage allowed for airflow with some protection from the wind. It was actually a sunny day and worked out perfectly... but they had a relatively clean garage which wasn't a challenge to decorate.

Just an idea

Yes, at the height of the pandemic, the town would do drive-bys for people's birthdays and such including fire trucks and ambulance...but mostly for kids, though they made an exception for the elderly too.

I could do it on our porch. But my Dad is so anxious he said he wanted it to be at his house. It's all I can do to get him to do anything. He has a lot of mental problems, he is thinking best to stay home, stare at the four walls and feel sorry for himself. That's what he always says, he hates his life because all he does is stare at the four walls. This, however, is not true. He gets out and does a heck of a lot more than people ten or twenty years younger. So if I do what he wants, he will get to feel really sorry for himself . . . that's why I like the idea of an open house, folks can stop by, say happy birthday but don't have to stay too long, which is a plus for many reasons . . . no matter what I do my Dad will be unhappy and dissatisfied, so I just want to do something to mark the occasion out of compassion but with keeping safety in mind. Small and simple. But I dunno, trying to get anyone to show up may be difficult . . . Dad is such a joy to be around folks are starting to avoid him, at least the ones who know better and don't have the patience or compassion.

This is a little different than the drive-by/horn honking parades-- in that it was like an open house in the garage (and the yard). People COULD drive by if they didn't feel comfortable visiting while social distancing.. but in this case, family/close friends could sit and visit.

Possibly. Folks in his condo complex "hold court" in their forward-facing garages all the time, including my Dad. People take evening strolls and visit during nice weather. Would be good if the weather was nice. My Dad, not surprisingly, does not get on too well with most of the folks in his neighborhood. That's probably why he doesn't want to have a birthday open house, he will see folks avoiding it. But I know some of his friends will probably come.

But I thought you mentioned a number of friends who he regularly gets together with-- i think it need only include them.

But you know best-- whatever works best for you and for him! Enjoy!

Yes, those were the ones I thought would come. But they don't live in his neighborhood of condos. Actually, one of his oldest and very good friends lives there and they take a walk every day. I was there yesterday and the weather was gorgeous, sunny, mid 70s, and he saw them taking their walk just like always and told me but he refused to go out and say hello. I've known these folks since I was in diapers and even my grandparents were friends of their family. He went to school with them and they socialized a ton and best friends of my late mother. But he refuses their company. It's the depression and anxiety talking. Trying not to make it worse by allowing my Dad to isolate himself. He refuses medications, have been on that for over a decade. Absolute refusal for no logical reason. He's not senile but has cognitive decline as far as how well he functions. But it's not memory or task issues, just personality. My uncle just celebrated his 95th, he's far from his home now in assisted living due to a stroke and just sold his house and lifelong summer cottage. And yet, he managed to at least try and enjoy the company of those around him, including his family and folks at the assisted living facility. Also got letters and calls from many old friends. My Dad has a hard time with even these kinds of things. And yet, he'll risk covid and go out to the community dinner at the local church once a week to see and be seen, even complaining about the food . . . sigh! Friends call him and he complains about the conversations . . . he's getting pretty hard to converse with, a family friend told me that yesterday. The friend is battling cancer and hearing my Dad repeat the same gripes over and over is trying for him considering how he sees folks every day when he goes for chemo who would rejoice at my Dad's life, even limited by some infirmity. Dad obsesses over not being superman anymore . . . not celebrating 90 years of a quite remarkable life full of good things and accomplishments. He only focuses on losses. Dad says he feels like he is waiting for the bus of death to arrive. I say we all are, so let's try and make the best of the wait . . .

"no matter what I do my Dad will be unhappy and dissatisfied,"

If there is a chance no one would actually show up, then I'd rethink this. Can't imagine anything worse than throwing a party and no one showing up. Since it sounds like he's not well-liked, and with covid raging, those combined could really affect attendance. If he doesn't even want a "party" or open house maybe you should listen to him. Compassion seems it would include listening to him (even though YOU want to do this for him.) .

I'd make his favorite meal and ask others either to zoom or send cards.

Sounds like not much will make him happy, so I would re-think the plans. I'd hate for you to go to all this work only to have him grump about all your efforts. This may or may not help, but perhaps you could get him an Amazon speaker thingy so that he can hear his favorite oldies songs, ask about the weather, sports-- anything--whenever he wants to. Once it is set up, (and it is super easy to do if he has internet), he literally has to do NOTHING to make it work. We gave one to my elderly aunt and she loved it! It really is company and some entertainment. On a more serious application, you can set it up so that Alexa calls a loved one in case of an emergency (but head-scratchingly, it won't call 911)

Also, you know that if there was a PO Box anywhere near you, I'm sure all your invisible friends here would happily send a birthday card to your dad. I know I would. But I'm not sure how you would feel about that. I can see it now: Lpink's Dad, PO Box...)

I'm shooting for a middle way. Not a lot of trouble, but something. I do think he will end up using it as an excuse to feel sorry for himself if we do nothing. He has many times in the future said he doesn't want something and told me not to do something and later chastised me for not doing anything. He makes no sense, so what he says he wants is often illogical. A nice visit with a couple of friends is enough. His default setting is negative, I long ago gave up trying to follow it.