Disrespectful stepdaughter
Hello everyone, I really need Your advice. I have a 15-year-old stepdaughter that’s been living with me and my husband since she was nine her mother couldn’t take her because of her behavior and my husband was given custody. When she first came to live with us I only had my two-year-old son And was a stay at home mom, I gave my husband all the support that he needed since I believe that his daughter needed him.He also has another daughter with the same woman but that one lives with her. Things were fine when mom was out of the picture she was very disengaged but when my step daughter turned 11 she tried to get back in our lives through my stepdaughter manipulating and causing drama for my husband and I. Things changed drastically, my stepdaughter‘s behavior turned disrespectful and vengeful to the point that one day she got physical between her and me she she bit me scratched me kicked me in front of my son I didn’t do anything, didn’t touch her at all because of mom’s and dad‘s history of a back-and-forth and police reports and blah blah blah. I didn’t know how to handle the situation and I moment I was very angry very mad and all I wanted to do was just yell and scream but I had nobody to do it with because my husband wasn’t home yet I was calling him constantly to come home and when he got there I just exploded but to my dismay his response was not what I was expecting his anger was not towards his daughter was towards me he told me that if I wanted to talk to him I needed to calm down and to me that was that was just it that after all of that he came to me and disciplined me instead of his daughter. I did not think it through and I just packed my things and left with my son and my daughter at the time. We spent almost 2 years separated I was leaving in another state with my two kids and he stayed at home with his daughter during this time his stepdaughter was by herself her mom disengaged again she did not care that her 11-year-old daughter was constantly by herself when my husband was working, She didn’t care that her daughter had no adult supervision for hours and hours. Time passed my children were OK but I know that they miss their dad I miss my husband terribly because even though he wasn’t acting the way that he was supposed to I still loved him and at the same time I felt bad for my stepdaughter because I knew that she was just a child and that she-was being manipulated by her mom. Eventually I move back we started working on a new business I was very time consuming the first year was OK second year was OK but now my step daughter is 15 going on 30 And things are much worse than what they were before now she Feels that she’s a woman that she doesn’t need to respect me if I speak to her or I tried to tell her something that it’s wrong she’ll talk back to me in front of my kids she’ll yell at me she’ll scream at me she’ll tell me to shut up to get out of her way and so on. I tried to talk to my husband about this situation many times but he just gets defensive and angry even though I told him that there’s nothing I could do that he’s the one that needs to set the boundaries to ask his daughter that she needs to respect me to make her understand that even though she lives in our house she needs to respect me and respect our household because at the same time she is doing this in front of my children and that’s my biggest fear I do not want to raise my kids thinking that it’s OK to disrespect me to walk all over me or to talk back to me that’s Not the way that I see myself raising my children starting to resent my husband for his behavior and for enabling his daughter at the same time sometimes I think that my best decision will be to move out again But that’s not really what I want. Sorry about any misspellings and typos I was writing this on my phone while in my car. Any advice would be appreciated thank you!
Well, you really only have two choices, since your husband has made it clear that he doesn’t think your stepdaughter’s behaviour needs changing.
1. Decide to put up with it. Hope you can last until your stepdaughter moves out on her own. Be aware you will probably always be on the receiving end of her disrespect every time you are both in the same room, forever.
2. Move out, and move on. Before you take up this option make it clear to your husband that either he works with you and his daughter to fix the relationship (with counselling as needed) or it’s over. If your husband isn’t willing to keep your back, things will never improve, only get worse.
How did your husband respond the first time you left? It sounds like he wasn’t too bothered. Sadly it may be that he’s not as into you as you are into him. You have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life putting up with this or not.
If you do leave again, don’t go back.
Sad that this girl has no parents really to speak of. Mom apparently has better things to do than care for her daughter. Dad isn't around, and is in denial. That leaves a hormone raging teen to act out however she pleases. I remember those days...
It really took my SD's until they each turned around 30 to figure out the lesson that you can't treat people that way. Because after they got out on their own, they each continued to have sand pounding tantrums when: they didn't get their way, had roommates, got pulled over for tickets, got dumped by boyfriends, had issues with coworkers, didn't like their boss, got bad grades, needed money, you name it.
My two youngest are in their early and mid-30's and are nice to be around now. But the oldest is a self-centered narcissist. Nobody wants to challenge her or risk her wrath.
I think you made a mistake going back to him. I've lived in the same house with a teen who acts like that, and the tension stays thick all the time. Even on a day when no catastrophic meltdown occurred, there was still tension. I had two young children at home and did not like the atmosphere being created by a disgruntled teen.
I was also afraid that the SD pulling those stunts in our home wouldn't like me, or that she'd tell everybody I was mean to her, etc. So I was careful about what I said and how I said it. She interpreted that to mean I was a doormat and she took full advantage. I finally had enough and let her know who was boss. I didn't go crazy or anything, I just let her know she had a room and she could throw fits in there and not anywhere else in our home. At that moment, I was not a stepmother. I was an adult and a homeowner, and a mother. I had enough. She didn't like me much but she stopped with the outbursts. Was fine with me.
I think you can either leave again or avoid your stepdaughter as much as you can while living in the same house.