OMG .....I can't take it anymore! Daughter is a slob!

Well...maybe I am not the best person to write because my daughter is estranged from me -her choice...but here goes...
I envy you. Vomit and all. I miss her. She used to have a messy room when she lived at home, and I would shut the door.
I don't want you to hurt, so I am sharing this with you. Please just be glad she comes home. She sounds like she is trying hard. Maybe she can afford to have someone come in and clean for her once or twice a month.
But please-be thankful, for her dirty room means she lives there and she is busy improving herself, and most of all because you get to see her everyday, you are a part of her life. Nothing is as important...

Straycat....Thank you. I'm sorry that you are hurting. We have to reach a middle ground, I know. I would die if I couldn't have a relationship with her. I would hope that it would never come to that. When I was a young adult my mom disowned me. I will never do that. I just have to have her use her time better. It affects the entire household. She needs to improve. She and I are much too close for her to walk away and never speak to me again. She can do better and I am not expecting perfection by any means. Her room is like a garbage dump. I can't settle for that. If she has time to go to a movie then she has time to work on this problem.

Again....I understand that you are hurting and I'm sorry for that.

I think I read this somewhere on this board. Learn to pick your battles. It's her room, let her keep it how she wants to. Does it REALLY matter if it is clean or not? Granted the cat thing could be a health issue, but she's too old to have to be told to clean her room. If you don't have to look at it all the time, or dig through it looking for stuff, I'd seriously let her keep it how she wants... garbarge dump or not. She is an adult. It sounds like at this point it is more about a control issue; don't let it be. Tons of kids have messy rooms; it's nothing to kick a child out over.

And, don't think I can't relate. I have a younger kid with a very messy room. I have tried everything. Nothing works; I figure it really is his room so he's in charge of it. Once I changed my way of thinking on it, it hasn't bothered me as much. I simply close his door when people come over.

I hope you have calmed some this AM. The cat box and cat must be taken care of. Dirty dishes and trash that would bring bugs/mice I would also insist be taken care of. As for her personal possessions like clothing if it is on the floor it is her problem. Don't look. I would only be concerned with health issues.

I am truly surprised that I am expected to put up with this. I have 5 people living in this house and we have 2 bathrooms. The bathroom that is downstairs is so filthy that no one else will use it. You can't even walk down the hall wall to get to it without stepping over piles of stuff.

We run out of dishes and silverware because she will have so many dirty dishes in her room. At 20 years old why in the world shouldn't she be expected to keep her living area clean? We are helping her with school, she has no chores, she does not pay rent. There are pop cans, food containers, food, wet towels, dirty dishes and so on.

It seems ridiculous to me that the answer is to shut the door. This is the only thing that I ask of her. Why would I not have this right?

What I would do is pick a day soon that she and you have some time. And say we are going to completely clean your room. I am going to help. Then do it give it a complete cleaning. Then tell her you have a nice clean start .You are now on your own. I want your room to be kept clean.
Tell her if she spends just 10 minutes a day cleaning her room which is no time at all her room can stay clean.

Sorry, I'm on your side with this one, Believer. Your house, your rules. I can go with closing the door if it was just untidy, but hoarding all the dishes and silverware, having dirty dishes which will attract vermin, leaving the bathroom so dirty no one else will use it, and dirty litter trays and cat vomit are totally unacceptable.
My DD had to move out at 18 to go to college in another town. Her first flat was generally a disaster area, though as it was inspected by the landlord's agent every three months at least it got a good cleaning every three months. I should note that her room when she lived at home was usually a death trap, though I did manage to impress the need for not attracting vermin- luckily she's terrified of mice and cockroaches. Her second home was little better, though again got a good clean every three months. Now in her third home, she's quite the housekeeper and the place is always presentable. Don't know what happened, but somehow a switch was flicked and now it's always clean and tidy.
I think you need to have a heart to heart with your daughter. Tell her, the filth is a health hazard not only to her but to the whole household. You can live with the untidy as long as it is confined to her room and does not affect the second bathroom, but dirty dishes, wet towels and noxious litter trays are not on. It is not fair to you as your health will not allow you to clean, and you shouldn't have to put up with filth in your home. She's on a pretty good wicket with no chores and no rent, won't get a better deal anywhere else. If she moves out not only will she have to clean but pay for it as well. She isn't a kid any more, she's an adult, and if she wants to be treated as an adult she has to act like one.

gardencats.....I have done that. She has a fit about me cleaning it. I have been trying to work with her on this since Nov. of last year. She was starting school in Feb. and I wanted to help her get organized before her schedule got so busy. I have made lists, cleaned the bathroom myself, provided all of the necessary organizational gadgets, baskets, supplies etc. Believe me I have tried to help her. I have not wanted to get so mad about this. It isn't good for me. I have health issues and it really throws my system into an upset.

She is working on it as we speak. She is sick of too. She would have to be.

Once upon a time, many years ago, I was just like your daughter.

When I lived at home, at 18, my room was a disaster. There were dishes everywhere. My clothes were all over the floor. I had weeks old half eaten sandwiches shoved under my bed. You could barely get into my room for the mess. I was, as your daughter seems to be, a productive, high acheiver, who excelled at school, and did volunteer work at the nursing home on weekends, and held a part time job in the school library. But I was a slob.

My mother used to clean it up after me when she couldnt stand the mess anymore, but it always returned to the mess in a fairly short period of time, usually within a week.My mom would occasionally flip out on me, and we would be mad for days at each other.

Finally, my mom totally flipped out on me and gave me much the same kind of ultimatum that you are giving your daughter. Clean it up, or leave. She screamed, she yelled, she shook her finger in my face.

I left. I moved in with my best friend and her family, and I didnt speak to my mother again until the birth of my first child, 8 years later. We reconciled then and are very close now, but we both regret the wasted years because of that ultimatum. Ultimatums dont change people.

Is that what you want? When you give someone an ultimatum you risk losing the relationship. GIving ultimatums is a last resort, and only if you mean what you say. If you are content with her moving in with her boyfriend and possibly not speaking to you for years because of hurt and anger, go ahead. Tell her to get out if she wont clean up.

In my opinion, there is nothing more important than the relationship. There is always a way around it. She may never be as neat as you wish, but there is probably a way to get a small compromise, maybe one step at a time. A good way would be to work on the cat issue first, and forget the rest for now until the cat issue is well under control. THen the bathroom.

After I moved out, I had a full scholarship to college. I lived on campus. I was a slob there too, but less of one because I was embarrassed to have other people see my dorm room. By the time I had my first apartment, I was able to keep the place clean for a few days at a time, but if I didnt stay on it, it got messy within a week. Finally, when my kids were born, I got a cleaning service to help me weekly with the big chores, and I was able to keep up with the day to day cleaning. At this point in my life, the house is very neat. My closets are still a disaster though, and even though I fold my husbands clothing and put it neatly in his drawers, I still shove things every which way into my own. I dont mind. I like who I am, and I certainly have other talents.

So people DO grow out of this. My second oldest son, who is 25, was a total slob while at home and all through college. His room made my stomach turn. I cant say it didnt bother me, but I didnt over react. Now, in his own place, he has gone through the same struggle I did. He can keep it clean for a few days at a time, and then it starts to pile up again. He has just hired himself a cleaning service, because he LIKES living in a clean place.

There is hope for her. SHe will most likely be neater as an adult. Dont fracture the relationship over this.

what I would do is insist on the cat box being done, and remind her every day, or leave a note for her every day about the cat box. It takes a month or so for a habit to be formed that wont be broken. After the cat, slowly move to another issue. Dont expect it to be fixed all at once. Small victories deserve applause too.

kathline

I respectfully disagree with your opinion and the choices that you, personally made concerning this issue in your own life.

I have done all of the things that you have suggested. I have done it all and then some to try and work this out with my DD. I love her dearly. I have given my all as a single mom to her and DS. I think it is past time for her to comply.

She and I are speaking. Our relationship will not be estranged because of this. I understand and appreciate your points concerning this however I reserve the right to have a certain level of cleanliness in my home. I am certainly not a perfectionist nor do I expect anyone else to be. I feel that I have turned a blind eye to it long enough.

I think it is unfair and unrealistic of anyone to expect that subjecting the rest of the family to this filth is acceptable. Used tampons left out in the bathroom, overflowing onto the floor from the trash can, thrown on the bedroom floor is not a small issue to me. Blood all over the toilet seat.....honestly....who is pushing whom here?

IMHO you made the choice as a young person to push your mother over the edge. You made the choice to disrespect your mother to the point of severing your relationship for 8 years. Unless, of course, you tried to have a relationship with your mother and she refused. To hold out and hold onto your filthy habits instead of complying with your mother's wishes was your choice. If you were as capable as you state that you were and as intelligent as you appear to be I would think that you would have been able to make that concession to please your mother. Perhaps there is a mental block in an intelligent person's mind that will not allow the mind to transfer organizing intelligent thoughts and putting them on paper to organizing a living environment and being clean. I am not being sarcastic, I am serious. If my DD has a problem I would help her. When she has time to socialize I have a hard time thinking that she has put forth her best effort.

How she keeps her own home will be none of my business. I don't feel I'm asking too much. As I have said I am not asking for perfection. Don't you think that she would feel better about herself and feel less frazzled if she lived in a cleaner space?

believer, I am not saying you should have to put up with all of it. In my post I only said her stuff i.e. clothing, if it on the floor no big deal for you. Health issues i.e. filthy cat box, and near cat box, dishes, left over food, glasses, filthy bathroom etc you should not have to put up with. It is easier on you if you can overlook floor covered with clothing, unmade bed etc.

I shut the door UNTIL the smell reaches the hallway .... then I give warnings usually 2 weeks in advance... I call it whipping day I write it on a calendar put signs up ... saturday november 15th is whipping day!!!

I go in and whip everything into the trash old glasses with milk dried inside, bowls, cups, silverware with mold on it ... you name it ... it all gets whipped out ... my SD19 is well ... I'll use the gentlier term of "hoarder" she "saves" everything ... (only because she doesn't throw it in the trash) she has trash bags in her room right now full of stuff ... laundry smells moldy ... its just gross ....

I do this with my own and my SC ... "whipping day" is just about every six months ... I toss every thing that isn't nailed down and they know it ... socks stuffed under the bed broken toys school work ... everything. The trash man hates me ... says "oh it must have been whipping day" I toss the signs out too. So they know :).

All the kids have two weeks notice to go in pick up the stuff they want to keep SD19 too then come whipping day no complaints nothing ... not allowed if you wanted it you should have picked it up ... (I do keep the stuff I know they want its not like I have a dumpsters outside although I would love one) My SC go to their mom's on the weekend so I have 2 whole days to clean it and one day of a sparkling room before they come home and destroy it again.

If you can't do it ... hire a company and tip well :) ... give it to her for her christmas gift and if you are lucky maybe her birthday is in june... twice a year get it to your liking. :)

The other possibility would be to tell your daughter you adore her. Ask her if she thinks it is time to get an apartment with a friend and help her decorate it with new bedding, etc. Most young people at her age are either away at college, or getting apartments with their friends, aren't they? Is she ready to start being independent yet, and launched into adulthood, with a place of her own? Then she will keep her place as she wants it. Really nice, or ready for the health department...it will be living the way she decides she wants to live.

Pseudo, you sound just like my mom. She'd say "clean your room" and when we'd go out and say "it's clean" she'd say, "you'd better check, because anything not in it's place is going to be given away to some other little girl who cares about her stuff". Then she'd go in with a box. True to her word, if it wasn't away, it was gone. And it never came back. I had a clean room from first grade on. I thought she was a giant meanie, but now that I have my own kid I can see where she was coming from.

The other day I was telling my neighbor that my DD had to finish folding and putting away her clothes. She looked at me and said "______ does her own laundry?" I told her that she is responsible for putting it in her basket and bringing it to the living room. I wash and dry it for her, then I call her out and she folds and puts it away. She said that she wished her 12 year old would do that. WHAT? 12 years old and not putting away their own laundry? I was washing my clothes from the time I was 12. Sorting, folding and putting away at age 8.

My mother liked to tell the story of going to college and finding a girl in the laundry room crying. She was 18 and didn't know how to operate the machine. My mother said she felt that was child abuse. I'm inclined to agree. By the time children are 18 they should know how to keep a house, go grocery shopping, cook, change a tire, etc. My dad made me take off all four tires and put them back on before he'd let me get my driver's license. Ohhhh I hated him and cursed his name behind his back to my friends, but the first time I got a flat I was blessing him up and down!

Believer, tell your daughter the truth. Tell her you're sorry for blowing up but that you are frustrated because you're worried about her health (the cat feces can have e-coli, toxoplasma parasites and other nasty germs) and you are concerned about bugs/vermin (vermin can carry awful diseases too, like leptospirosis, which killed a friend of mine in high school). Tell her that the common areas of the house need to be kept clean, and that includes having all the dishes returned to the kitchen so others can use them.

Tell her how proud of her you are, that she is working, that she is going to school, that she is making the right choices about living by the morals and values you taught her (ie, not moving in with her boyfriend even though she is of age to do just about anything she wants).

But guests have to be able to use the bathroom too. Maybe start a "cleaning day" (at my house it's Saturday) where the house is cleaned from top to bottom. Put cleaning supplies in her bathroom. Get a nice to/from box to carry dirty dishes/other items back and forth from the kitchen. Maybe a breakfast tray?

Do you charge rent? Perhaps you should volunteer that (if you don't already charge) if she doesn't want to clean you will need to hire someone to clean, and she will need to pay for it. Perhaps there's a neighborhood teen who would like to make some pocket money changing the litter box?

You owe her nothing. She is an adult. You have the right to expect standards in your home. Tough love. If you do it with love and respect, she will eventually understand that you had such high standards from her because you love her, and you want her to be healthy and succeed.

believer I can almost guarantee that my DD20 is worse than yours. i am telling you not only she is terribly messy she is also very disorganized and loses everything. i never made a big deal out of it but it was at times very difficult. she was not allowed to make a mess in a living room or any other public places but her room was awful. she is bit less messy now when she is on her own but still pretty bad.

the thing is she does not live at home. when she visits me or her dad, she makes the same mess again. lol that's who she is. maybe she will change one day, maybe not, probably not. i don't care. that's who she is.

your DD will not live at home forever, she will be gone one day. you'll have a clean house but she won't be there.

as about not taking care of the cats, this is wrong. this needs to be done. Dd is messy but she takes care of her rats (yes she keeps gross rats eewww).

on the other hand sometimes when people suffer from depression they refuse to clean up. maybe you need to look into that.

i reread your posts and have to make corrections to my suggestions. what you describe re the bathroom issue does sound like too much. you have men living in the house, right? and she leaves tampons and blood. yes this is pretty bad. could it be that she does suffer from depression or something else emotional because i didn't realize you are talking about more than just piles of clothes or dirty plates.

sounds like it might be depression or low thyroid, which sometimes causes depression.

Whatever you do, please don't throw her out or send her cat to the pound.

Those things can't be "undone".

Like Kathline, I was a teenage slob. Not food or personal hygeine bad, but clothes on every horizontal surface. My older son inherited this tendency and is also a slob. (Or perhaps 'was' -- He's much better now.)

Anyway - I think a big part of the problem is going from "turning a blind eye" to "You're outta here!" in no time flat. That's extreme, and unfair in the sense that you've conditioned her to ignore your previous warnings. Never, ever issue empty threats. If you threaten something, you have to be parpared to back it up. If you back her into a corner now, you might not like what happens. Do you really want her to move out? Not when she's successful in school and moving out might mean moving in with her boyfriend.

Philosophically, I'm in the camp that says "Pick your battles" up to a point, but also that "Minimum standards must be upheld." And clearly, things have escalated below the 'minimum standards' point.

Personally, I have used and can highly recommend some variation of the 'whipping day' strategy. A few years back, I bought a cute red trash can at IKEA, and told the boys that every Thursday, I would go through the house and toss 'discarded stuff' into the red trash can, which sat in the play room. And that they had until the next trash day to reclaim and put away anything they wanted to keep -- anything left in the trash can would go out in the trash or to Goodwill. I swept through the house as promised, and never had to do more than publically peek into the can and remark "Gee, I'm surprised." before the stuff got put away.

While that approach was good for the 'whole house creep', it didn't really do much for bedrooms and bathrooms. For bathrooms, I've found a plastic pail or basket with each kid's toiletries to be a fantastic solution. Anything left out on the counter triggered a "Sonny, your toothbrush and toothpaste weren't put away this morning." [pause] "I'll just turn off the TV while you go take care of that." [TV off, bland smile] And if necessary, "You can turn the TV back on once you've taken care of your business." [Stand and wait until they get up to do it.]

For clothes and stuff all over the bedroom, I'd try a 'modified whipping day' approach. Right now, her room has got to be overwhelming. Reclaim the dishes yourself and drop everything else into large heavy duty trash bags. Tell your daughter she has one week to put away the stuff she wants to keep and that anything unclaimed will go to Goodwill on this date. If you're like most American families, part of the problem is probably that she has too much stuff! Giving half (or more!) of it away will make it easier for her to keep her room clean. From then on, I'd try to agree on a once-a-week 'sorta clean' day. Keep your 'tidiness bar' low, but hold her to it using TV, car priveledges, computer access -- whatever necessary.

As far as the cat goes, you have the right to insist that your home be kept in a reasonably sanitary state, and overflowing litter boxes and cat puke just don't cut it. I would flat-out state that changing the litter-box weekly is a condition for keeping the cat; if she doesn't care that much about keeping the cat, you will find it another home.

Good luck --

I was your DD's age fairly recently.
I had at least one job (could have been two, I don't have my resume in front of me) and was going to university.
My room was usually untidy (books and clothes scattered about, that sort of thing) but the house rule was that yucky things went in the garbage and dishes went to the kitchen.
Yucky things MUST be cleaned up. End of story.

It's a respect issue, IMO.
I believe it is disrespectful to leave a mess. No one else wants to put up with your filth anymore than you want to put up with theirs. It's rude of DD to have all the dishes in her room, and to leave the bathroom so filthy that no one else will use it. It's inconsiderate to those that live with her. It's selfish and shows complete lack of thoughtfulness to the family (and her cat).
I don't know how to make her understand this... Sorry.

Maybe you could have a "basic standards of cleaniness" list that she has to live up to, or she has to pay rent / can't use the car / you don't make her meals / something else that would work?
I know it seems like a chore chart you'd use for a young kid, but she's not acting like a grown-up here...

I just apologized to DD for getting soooooooo mad and threatening to throw her out. I won't get rid of the cat.....I'm not quite that mean although I won't miss it when it's gone.

I feel pretty ill today. I have diabetes and getting that upset can make me sick. I haven't checked my blood sugar today but I feel pretty awful physically. I have to do some things to get ready for tonight for my SD10 so I need to get into a different frame of mind.

Your responses have been great and I want to address them when I have time.

Thank you everyone...I am able to think now instead of just react.

I love what pseudo mom does!!! i do it too but i dont call it whipping day...but that's good name!
I personally do not put up with any messes. The kids rooms were messes, and i mean you couldnt see the ground.. but my dh always would chase them to clean. And when they didn't, i would throw anything broken or unclean in the garbage. Even threw out one of their mp3 players...too bad....it was on the ground.
I dont blame you for losing your temper. You had enough , you've reached you rope. Ask help from your DH and put everything in a garbage bag. Who gives a rats A** if you daughter gets pist off. CHUCK IT! And keep chucking everything until its DRILLED into her SKULL. This is a HEALTH ISSUE!. This will definitely bring mice and other bugs into the house. Especially inthe basement. And wild mice carry many diseases..and if one gets in and gives birht...holy dina! infestation in one month.. those suckers breed every 21 days to the teeeeeeee.... I would Tell her the cat and the cat litter is to go to her boyfriends house Tonight.. No discussion. That cat now has to go. Thats' her first real red signal.
Its not unreasonabel to ask someone to clean. Its a health issue, not only for your daughter, but for the people who are living in yoru household.
I wouldn't put up with it. The clothes on the ground i have left. To the point where they had to clean laundry to have clena clothes. I refused to wash anything on the ground..too bad....
But the cat.....i love cat..dont get me wrong. BUt if she has been warned countless of times to clean the litter and the cat vomit and she doesn't...Call her boyfirend and tell him to pick up the cat...TONIGHT...

I am glad you appologised, I think that was a good thing to do.

Can you say something like "I am not well and I need your help" regarding her room. Could you use your loving relationship with her, to just ask her for help.

Minimum standards are what you should aim for. Anything that is a matter of hygiene should be included in this. I think you should definitely use the close the door policy when the minimum standard has been achieved.

Perhaps you should get a cleaner in every fortnight to clean the bathroom. Maybe she could contribute funds for that.

Never loose focus on the good things about her. That is number one.

I know all this is hard, because I have confronted these issues myself, on this very forum.

In the end, after advice from these wonderful people, I decided to use the "close the door policy". I realized that my relationship with her was far more important than my distress at her messy room.

In the end we paid for her to live at college, and now she lives in an apartment with two other uni students. Whenever I go to visit, her room is immaculate ! It's just amazing the transformation, she even complains about the other girls being messy!!

My DD is 21.

This is a mere blimp on the big picture of life, focus on the solution to the problem and not on your daughter's personality.

Take care you yourself.

Popi

Oh believer I am so sorry. Can I get in the line with the baseball bat?

I've read all the posts here and they all sound reasonable, both sides. I am going to try to think outside the box, to help you find a happy medium, and ask a few questions.

Pseudo's trick of 'whipping day' won't work for you because of your disability and the labor might further hurt you, yes?

Can you move your daughter to another room in the house where she can't hide her stuff as much. That may make it easier for her to bring dishes to the kitchen.

What have you negotiated with her? Negotiate, not dictate....sometimes when we 'own' something, it gets done. Carrot, stick - carrot is she gets rewards, stick is she gets priviledges taken away. If they are agreed upon ahead of time, with her having as much input as possible, would that work (why do I already know the answer)?

Sometimes its easier to clean up someone else's mess than your own. Can you find someone to match up with her (local college/students? Craig's list? A friend of yours?) where that person comes in and cleans for her, and she can do work that is distasteful for that other person, be it running errands, cleaning THEIR house, walking their dogs, etc. Drives my DH crazy - I have my own piles of mess in the house, but one time I mentioned that I wanted to help my friend with her even worse piles - LOL - that did NOT go over well. That kind of psychology might apply here.

Or you may just have to pay someone to come in and clean. You could offer her the money if she'll do it herself. But you are going to hurt yourself if you keep agonizing over this.

In Sylviatexas's words, 'I wish you the best'.

Hire a weekly housekeeper and tell your daughter that she's paying for half.

I just want to say that I NEVER support giving ultimatums. They always backfire. And the person who issues them always ends up losing.

In retrospect, I don't think you should have to walk on eggshells around your daughter in fear of saying something that will make her mad and possibly estrange you from her life. But unfortunately, that is the way it is nowadays.

In my experience, I have learned that if a person wants to become offended, they will become offended no matter what you say. I didn't always take the best approach and my daughter would get mad at me at the drop of a hat. But I was raised in a "my house, my rules" environment. So, I was using that same mentality with my daughter. BIG MISTAKE!

Anyway, I like the "I need your help" approach. Maybe over a cup of coffee or something. Tell her how much you enjoy having her at home. I have learned that if you start a conversation with a compliment, people are more likely to listen and be receptive to the rest of the conversation.

I wish this was the approach I had taken with my own daughter instead of the "black & white" approach I had when she was still living at home.

Unfortunately, the days of "my house, my rules" are long gone. This generation of children have too many other options available. Once we no longer become of "value" to them, they can and will discard us.

I don't want another parent to ever experience the pain and hurt I have experienced. It is pure emotional hell, day and night. It never ends. So please, please approach this situation carefully and with much thought.

I hope this helps,
kmttsmom

That sounds repulsive. I would not tolerate the dirty dishes and blood on the toilet with discarded used tampons. That goes way beyond a messy room. She seems deep in a disgusting habit. Does she know how to clean? Does the mess pile up too quickly and she is overwhelmed? Maybe she really just doesn't know how; I can't see how anyone would want to live like that. I like the suggestion of hiring someone to come in and clean. I would not foot that bill, I would charge her for it. She doesn't pay rent, right? Hire someone to come out once a week, and let it affect her pocket book. If she decides it is too expensive, maybe that will give her the initiative to start cleaning in between and work her way to having someone come out twice a month. If she is willing, give some tips on how to clean small things in between the cleaning service. Who knows, she could change her ways. Or, decide having a housekeeper is a good plan :) Good luck to you, no one should have to live in filth. It isn't fair to anyone else in that household. Christy

I wanted to let you all know that things are good between DD20 and myself. Things were back to normal the next morning between us. As I said, I apologized to her and let her know that I did not want her leave her home under any circumstances other than the excitement that she should feel when she has reached that milestone in her life. I told though that I could not put up with it any longer and would be on her about it until it was to a point that I could handle. She said she was sick of too and since has made probably a 50% improvement. I have provided "space bags" for her to use for clothing and bedding that she wants to keep but does not have room for. I do understand that she is a 20 year old trying to live in a 12 by 12 space physically while mentally wanting to have her own place and needing to also.

I wanted to mention that I had cleaned the bathroom myself a couple of weeks ago...organized, scrubbed etc. She is a cosmetology student and brings home every kind of product known to mankind. That really needs to stop. I have purchased one of those automatic bath and shower cleaners for her also. I have one upstairs and find that they really do work well.

To show her support and to let her know that I feel this way about the entire family and the clutter I have started a total house purging program. I am getting rid of everything that is not used or has duplicates or someone has out grown. I will be giving it to an organization in town that gives things away for free and at this time of year this stuff should find a much needed home. We are talking games, puzzles, kitchen items, clothing, home decor and all. When DH and I married 3 years ago he and SD brought a huge amount of "stuff" with them. We have gotten rid of a lot but not enough yet. I just went through SD10's closet yesterday and reduced things by 1 large garbage full. She visits Ca. every summer and her moms family sends home hand me downs with her, whether she can wear them or not. Most of them are going to a friend. I am going to work with her on toys and clutter and try to cut back by 1/3. DS16's room is next. By doing this DD20 should not feel alone in her efforts.

I may have to do the cat box every few days myself. That I can't shut the door on. We will keep the cat until they both can move out. I could not get rid of her....sometimes I wish I could but I can't.

Your suggestions were great....loved the whipping day and may use that in the future. I can't afford and neither can she to hire a cleaning service at this time. I can see doing that in the future though for health reasons for myself. I have to pick and choose what I am going to do because I pay a physical price for everything. I hate not being able to do what I want to. I once worked side by side with men and did a 6 day a week physical job. I like to work hard and when I get started it is easy for me to over due and then I pay. I am paying right now for yard work done last week. Funny to now have diabetes also where I am suppose to keep moving and then having the sciatic nerve disorder where the only relief is to not move. God has a sick sense of humor some times.

I was amazed at how many of you had similar problems or the characteristics of being slobs yourself at one point in your lives. The confession of "....I was a teenage slob...." made me laugh. It's like confessing "...I was a teenage werewolf" or something! I agree that making empty threats is wrong and I don't want to do that any longer. It is a respect issue with me and I think I have been hurt because of the lack of respect that DD20 has shown me on this issue. She doesn't see it that way....someday she will.

My kids are everything to me. I love them dearly and for the most part we have an exceptional relationship. I have always talked honestly with them about life and have humbled myself to the point of tears when I have hurt them or when I have been wrong or mistaken about things. To me I think one of the greatest things that you can teach your kids is how to apologize when you are wrong and how to forgive others and yourself. I have told my DD that she is my hero....so smart, so funny, so quick witted and kind. I was not half the woman that she is when I was her age. I would do whatever I could to mend a hurt in our relationship. I was disowned by my mother for 3 years and it nearly destroyed me. I would not do that to any of my kids.

Thank you all again for helping me and talking about your experiences with me. Thank you for understanding also that I was not exaggerating about things. It was embarrassing for me to tell it all but I had to give the full picture so that you could understand my delima. Sorry this response was so long.

"To me I think one of the greatest things that you can teach your kids is how to apologize when you are wrong and how to forgive others and yourself."

Believer - I totally agree with you !

You sound like you have sorted out your problem, get the children to help you, whenever you can.

I wish you well, you sound like you have a really special daughter.

What is an automatic shower and bath cleaner ? Sounds intriguing, I am sure I could use one of those !

Popi

My approach is similar, but different, from pusedo mom's...

I have a cleaning day every 2 weeks... top to bottom for the house, and laundry is done EVERY weekend and only other timesd if it is a very good reason...

My kids and husband (16, 14, and 9) are told on EVERY Friday evening during dinner to make sure any and all laundry and empty hangers they have are in the 'laundry" room (2nd floor bath) before I return home from work on Saturday afternoon. I start the laundry upon my return from work... occasionally... but not regularly, I will do a 'check in' when I get home... 'you all put you laundry in the laundry room right?' typically if they haven't when the hear the washer or dryer start going... they come flying with what wasn't brought down... :(

Picking up... Every other MONDAY I clean the house from top to bottom... again at dinner on the prior Friday I will add to the laundry 'reminder' that THIS coming Monday will be cleaning day... so 'make sure your rooms are ready'... they KNOW this means anything I find where it does NOT belong is fair game to never be seen again... this means under the beds, under the dressers, piled in a corner, on the closet floor (a favorite spot for the 9YO) I enter each room with trash bags first and do my own 'straightening up' when I start out my cleaning process... clothes get put in a bag of their own... to see if they get 'missed'... if not after about a month I wash them and send them to the shelter nearby... other 'belongings' get their own trash bag... and that gets put in the basement/garage... waiting for trash day... Thursday... if they haven't gone down to 'resurect' things by then, they go out.. only exceptions are certain things I am unwilling to just trash... for example, the ipod, american girl doll stuff... those get a bag of their own and they must see me to retrieve those... (locked in my spare room)... dishes/food... they are 'fined' for dishes or food as they are NOT suppose to have food or drink in their rooms... $1 per item I locate in their room... over a certain number of items... the fine is doubled...

They have 2+ days warning to get their acts together... interestingly enough they alway seem to get their acts together in those rooms by Monday morning... AFTER once or twice having things 'disappear' and then melting down over it...

Now I understand you are not physically able to do 'major' work... but it might be worth hiring someone to help you once or twice to get this under control... another child or friend of yours perhaps???

BTW... my 9YO DD and 14YO DS are by far the worst, and they compete for which is worse... to the point of whoever finishes first in their room helps the other... 16YO DD is OCD like her mother :) and typically does not take long at all to get her things together... actually some days I don't do much to 'straighten' up in her room at all... her bath on the other hand is a totally different story... :(

Hopefully things are getting better. When I wrote my fist post I wasn't aware of the food issues. As I had mentioned, my son has a very messy room too but I generally don't allow food in his room. Could this be a rule you could make? She can keep her room messy (with clothes, etc) but ins't allowed to bring in food? Sounds like a compromise to me if she can't keep things clean.

Does her boyfriend or other friends ever see her room/bathroom? Is there a way they could be invited to see her room (in advance of course to give her some notice) so that she would want to have a clean enough room to not be embarrassed?

The bathroom thing is gross but I have heard other parents complain of the exact thing. It sounds like she probably really doesn't notice the mess. Some people are so into other things that they just don't pick up on stuff. I'd nicely talk to her about it if you haven't already.

popi

It is made by "scrubbing bubbles" and it has a cleaning solution bottle that fits into a battery operated dispenser. You push the bottom after you have showered and are out of the shower. It sprays the cleaning solution all around the shower. If you start out with a clean shower/tub it really keeps it that way. I was surprised but it works for us.

carla35

Her friends haven't been to the house for quite sometime and her boyfriend hasn't seen her room for a very long time either. I have a problem with involving any of her friends or her boyfriend in this. She would be so humiliated and I don't want to do that to her.

She is working on things and I will stay on her. I think what you said may have something to do with it. She can't see the forest for the trees. Like I said, I'm staying on her and she is trying. I told her last night when I said that she needed to empty the cat box and she said she would....just later....that she needed to stop whatever she was doing and do what I told her to right then. She waits, forgets and doesn't do it.

I've made the no food rule. She just does what she wants.

"She waits, forgets and doesn't do it."

I have a new mantra at my place "Just Do It", (not wanting to draw attention to that brand of shoe).

I find when something needs doing, I think of reasons not to do it, to myself, and end up not achieving things. So, now, I say to myself "just do it", and that gets me motivated and focused. There is always something more interesting to do, and doing some chore is - lets face it- boring.

Perhaps you daughter can try this, she probably wants to be more focused on the bedroom issue.

Popi

Wow!!!

"My kids are everything to me. I love them dearly and for the most part we have an exceptional relationship. I have always talked honestly with them about life and have humbled myself to the point of tears when I have hurt them or when I have been wrong or mistaken about things. To me I think one of the greatest things that you can teach your kids is how to apologize when you are wrong and how to forgive others and yourself. I have told my DD that she is my hero....so smart, so funny, so quick witted and kind. I was not half the woman that she is when I was her age. I would do whatever I could to mend a hurt in our relationship. I was disowned by my mother for 3 years and it nearly destroyed me. I would not do that to any of my kids."

Believer, I just had to tell you --- you sound like an awesome Mom!
I'm reading this thread carefully, as I'm dealing with the same issues. My DD is a total slob. She's 14 and her room's a pigsty. I'd love to just shut the door and ignore it, but we have to talk through there to reach the bathroom!

Glad things are better for you!

What a dear thing for you to say....thank you.

My mother left this life at the age of 68, I was 40. She was a proud, hard working woman who was never at a loss for words when it came to expressing her bitterness and anger towards someone. It was impossible for her to say "I'm sorry, you're wonderful, you are so good at that and so on." Almost as impossible for her to say "I love you." I have suffered so as an adult and since she died because she was not able to express her love for me. Her inability to be a loving mother to me and my brothers has driven me to not ever leave my kids/step kids with the impression that an action of theirs has anything to do with my love for them. As hurt as I still am by my chilhood and relationship with my mom I now understand that she was the one that suffered the most. Her life must have been very sad.

Being given the opportunity to impact a child's life with love and encouragement is one of the greatest blessings I have known in my life. To be a part of a miracle is something that I don't deserve and something that I don't take lightly.....I make a lot of mistakes but like the saying goes...."if you never make mistakes it is because you're not trying..."

Believer, I grew up with the same issues. I can honestly say that my mother is one of the coldest persons I've ever known. Just cold and unfeeling. In a detached sort of way, I feel sorry for her, but I know she is the only one who can help herself.
So I hear you.
I am the same way....I have two children that I love and adore, and I hope they at least know that they are loved.
To grow up knowing your own mother doesn't love you, is devastating...

UPDATE.....Progress is being made!!!! DD is emptying cat litter and taking it out of the house when I tell her to not days later. She is keeping food and garbage out of her room......I am doing a little happy dance!!!

Oh thats great news, she sounds like a lovely girl, to be making the effort.

Give her a hug !

Well I guess my darling daughter is really in the cleaning house mood....she broke up with her boy friend of 2 1/2 years! I'm sad for him but didn't ever really think that he was the right one. I think this move is going to improve her life quite a bit.....more free time, less stress......changes are being made!

i'm glad things are better for you and your dd. sorry she and her bf split.

in a few yrs she'll be out of your house so enjoy it while you can. but still i'd set some rules of acceptable behavior:

the dishes and silverware and glasses need to come back to the kitchen to get cleaned. the next day is ok, but why doesn't she eat with you and visit?
send your son to collect trash bag from the bathroom/bedroom/laundry room every week. expect them to be used.
close her bedroom door-- if her clothes are messy/dirty
its her problem.
a weekly/everytwo week bathroon cleaning is enough. but she needs to limit her samples she bringing home or share!!
and as you've noted having storage space helps.

diggerb

All I could say after reading the initial post was "wow." I'm living with the same thing right now. A 27 year old daughter and I'm sorry, I don't care what you say, it is nasty and trifling.

I'm tired of it. My home is my investment. I worked hard for it and nasty habits invite vermin into my home. It shows a lack of respect for my home and for herself. Who the heck does that? Get dressed every day, lip gloss, the works and lives in absolute filth.

Its time to go. She has a job and needs her own space to abuse. I'm too old for this crap. Humans are the only species who try to keep adult offspring around. This is not what God intended and it is time to shake up the nest.

Watch me...............

I am so frustrated with my grown daughter, out of this sheer frustration I did a search regarding this slob issue and foundthis blog. My daughter is doing some if the same things. The cat found a new home I couldnt take it. My frustration has turned into a pure anger full of rage. Tonight my daughter fed my granddaughter and left the mess which I did not notice until I started to go to bed. As I walked through my house and began the nightly routine of picking things up I became very angry. I too am a diabetic, I have made drastic changes to my lifestyle to control my blood sugar without Meds but lately my sugar has been higher than usual. I know the stress of this situation is causing this and the stiff neck I am currently dealing with. I am not proud of what I did tonight but my anger got the best of me. After picking up the living room, kitchen and bathroom putting laundry in the washer I arrived at the dining room and began picking up the dishes and highchair tray ect. As I was putting the tray on the highchair it would not fasten so I started slamming it on the chair over and over my anger obviously out of control. My daughter had the nerve to ask what I was doing and chastising me for disturbing the baby. I thought oh it's ok for your baby to live in your filth but it's improper for me to get angry in my own house. I am so over this, I haves really hard for my beautiful home. She is destroying it daily. Yesterday she got hair color all over my expensive bath rugs. She was to lazy to move them. I have told her she needs to get her own place. She says she can't afford to live on her own that is a joke. Fast food new toys for baby movie rentals clothes etc etc etc spoiled disrespectful and only cares about herself. I can not believe this is my child. I am at the age that I want to enjoy my life in peace and quiet. Is it too much to ask to respect my home and keep it clean as well as being careful with my household items that were costly. I mean I waited till they were grown before I bought anything really nice. Now that she has moved back in I am ready to toss her out. The baby is her only saving grace right now. I totally feel your pain. Frustrated in Indiana.

I have read through all the posts, and while it is an old post, am glad that Kathy posted recently. I am going to write a bit, seeing as I just need a venting area and these posts set me to lots of thoughts. So hope you all understand.

The biggest suggestion I have: -----make firm clear boundaries and guides BEFORE they move back in. And stick to them. Have very little flexibility at first. The first 3 weeks are the most critical. Then one can set a bit of relaxing at times so that the adult child will know the guides and patterns and understand exceptions. Shame but it becomes like treating them like children. But it must be done or the problems will happen. My daughters are now 21 and 25 and a story in itself. I commiserate from different and similar perspectives. My eldest daughter was in the slob habits. Some can be attributed to a very busy activity and school schedule. But much is a constant voicing that : " other kids are doing it, and even my husband (her father) turning on me saying that other kids (teen and adults)rooms are like that too." ?!! Yikes.

Problems to consider:

1. This day and age of overindulged children/teens, young adults.
2. Adult children staying home longer.
3. This generation having way more privileges and "things" in their rooms.
4. Some problems come from the constant drumming society/media (t.v. movies, magazines) and yes even teachers - telling parents that kids have more rights than parents. e.g. had one teacher tell me that my 11 year old daughter had rights to her own life and thoughts and did not have to listen to the parent? Um,??? no, the child has to listen to the teacher's concepts but - not the parent who is spending mega hours and money and energy on raising the child? Yes, true story. This went into other levels in our children�s activities.
6. Other issues arise when parents are not in agreement with each other how to parent. Which can get very bad when kids know how to "play" the overindulgent parent. And that parent then undermines the parent who is willing to WORK at raising children.

Oiy. One cannot make light of it. This generation for the most part has grown up to believe we OWE them a privileged (waited on ) lifestyle. Unfortunately, there are many obstacles to parent as we were once parented.

I do not ever advocate spanking to raise children. But the basics of gritting teeth while they pout when doing chores or balking is necessary when they are young. Or making chore lists and fun out of work - works too. It does not hurt a child (even a grown one) to learn how to care for THEMSELVES and do basics. But most children - teens usually require a parent working alongside them. Adults should not.

It does HURT a child/teen and eventually adult - to NOT learn to care for themselves and take on more responsibilities. Who likes housework or the knowledge that cleaning up is a never ending cycle?

But as Kathy, the last poster mentioned. We created a beautiful home. Worked since age 17 and renovated homes and then built our custom home in out late 40�s. Hard work almost daily in many respects. That is something that is GOOD for a person. WORK before PLAY was our motto and it should be for children too. We work, then play. Work, play, community work and so forth. Movies - do NOT happen with slob like rooms happening. But�my husband (when we were separated) allowed our girls to do whatever they wanted and did not enforce rules or guides. So eventually they played and no work was done.

So the first poster gets upset her daughter is at movies and her "LIFE" is actually totally obliterated. No wonder she is seeing red. What kind of life is that? A chaotic and wild life. (My eldest was like this many times).

I had hard issues with our eldest because my husband (her dad) undermined most of my efforts and that was and still is a huge issue in our lives. Yet this daughter was a great kid growing up. IT was a brief separation with her dad and I that caused the breakdown in my parenting authority. This daughter is angry and gone - angry at me her mom, not her dad. This would have been solved long ago, if he had not overnindulged her and made it seem as if she was hard done by to respect our home and her belongings in our home. Which was only one issue.

My youngest - I caught on time. And she is happy - I say what I mean, mean what I say and do it without being mean. She is grateful to live in a beautiful home and have meals, and be able to SAVE money for school and HER life. We only ask for our home and persons to be "respected". That is NOT too much to ask. And if anyone thinks it is? They have PROBlEMS - big time.

It does NOT serve them to let them be slobs as adults in ones home. It is SLOTH - which is a deadly sin if one thinks about it. Because it is negligent of ONESELF and belongings which leads to apathy and waste in ALL ways. Emotional, physical, intellectual, social and spiritual. Mild slobbishness, is not what I am talking about. The author of this thread has described a young woman who is in real chaos in all ways. But it can be worked out as she is attempting, but it will rear up again. At 20 years old? that means it is already pattern setting and becoming chronic. But another poster mentioned their is hope eventually.

But in ones own home, there are limits. It is very critical to set boundaries and communicate clearly when adult children come home for summer to work between University or when they move home for any reason after having set out on their own. We had no one handing us anything as kids or young adults and that can be a GOOD thing. We have respect and pride in our home and accomplishments. Many of these adult children who are NOT pulling their weight are NOT happy and the emotional and psychological problems are very telling of this generation.

Work, we NEED to work. IF we do not, we are NOT fulfilling all our basic needs as a human. Then a person is unfulfilled and searching and blaming others. Nothing replaces working for ourselves and stepping back and knowing we did it. Can we relax if things get messy or behind and not worry? of course. But don�t let it hang on too long. It is our home for peace, harmony and organization so one can find things, not waste and actually ENJOY ones home. So one knows the home does not have foodstuffs or messes that could cause problems.

We (the obstacles I mentioned above) - this society is taking AWAY - that need and feeling of satisfaction for our younger generation. It is NOT the parents obligation to be the KEEPERS of our children when they are adults. But that is exactly the expectation it seems of our grown children. When we don�t do it? They stomp, yell, get angry or shut us out of their lives? That is 2 year old behaviour and blackmail in place of genuine love we are providing.

My mom told us kids when we left, don�t come back home to live - but we could "visit" - for the day or so. (She had 7 children - I left at age 17). That is NOT a bad thing at times. It forces kids to GROW up.

I am not saying things are swimmingly for me, but my University student daughter who lives with us for 4 months a year - is great. The eldest? Well, she lives far away, but is still very angry with me, for other reasons in addition to my rule of not allowing disharmony/disrespect and my home to be destroyed. (Something similar to original posters daughter was occurring).

Here is a thought: If we do things with resentment - it is NOT counted for our soul or well being, nor for our childrens well being. So if we grudge through things that are intolerable? We are doing no favour for us or them.

Collaboration only goes so far when it is ONES own home and the adult children are now in effect "guests" but family guests. I hope all the best to you all.

I don't think the deeper psychological reason for this has been addressed. It's not so much about the homeowners rights, of course we have the right to chose who lives in the home. I think it's more about the WHY chose the chaos!

Wow, just wow at reading all of this. My DD is a slob, I understand the frustrations mentioned here, and I am trying to understand the defensive perspectives provided too. However, accepting them is difficult for me.

One's home should be a refuge; and child or not, one should not be "encouraged" to tolerate the unsanitary aspects of being a slob. Feces and bodywaste not properly disposed of is a blatant sign of disrespect >.< "period. Case and point....the original poster's daughter manages a restaurant and KNOWS that that kind of crap would make them flunk inspection, she'd be out of a job, and the place would be shut down; YET she ignores her mother's plea to keep reasonable standards at home? DISRESPECT!!!!

I have one of those, and I am climbing the walls as I type. As an adolescent with a pet ferret I had pyrimids of feces piled in her room because she wouldn't clean. I evicted her from the basement and put her room right across the hall from mine and DARED her to let the "stuff" pile up. Fastforward 15 years, and now she has kids of her own....the problem still exists but THIS is her home; it can't exist and won't be tolerated on my dime.

Regarding fracturing relationships; and healthy boundaries......, and picking your battles. That's tuff. Again, if it's my home it will be sanitary; if it's her home....I AM NOT lifting a f'n finger till everybody is engaged in cleaning.

To complete my post. I am visiting my DD and her family overseas. A 60 day visit mind you! I am a guest in their home, and in this very restrictive country. NO ONE younger than me feels the need to tidy up; there's writing on walls, pee all around and on the toilet, toothpaste stains for days in the sink and on the handles (one must clean the toilet if they want to sit), pillows are played with and thrown all over the house which in-turn get stepped/walked; the GS's undress where ever they feel like it and the clothing remains there; dishes get piled to the faucet spicket........ and GS1 & GS2 will refuse to do anything that is suggested, DD would rather take them out for toys or food than lift a finger; SIL doesn't pick-up things either.
My visit is winding down and I am the only one that has cleaned a floor (mop/vacuum/sweep) with less than 14 days left on this visit I too have stopped any attempt to keep the kitchen clean; I politely stay in the guest room which I keep clean and let them fester in the clutter; if I want to sit in a clutter free environment I go to the gym or ladies center.

I had to remember that this is not about (DD or SIL) being overwhelmed, THIS is a long held disregard for cleanliness; and the GS's are being reared with the same "shallowness". PROBLEM: now how do I tell her that they CAN NOT be this gosh Darn messy when visiting me at my home...without starting WWIII ? Must I put up with disrespect and inconsiderate behavior's just to have a dismal (repeated behavior) relationship with my grands? REALLY?

Oh Yeah they used to have a maid to come in weekly, but she quit the 2nd week I was here; they don't bother to clean in between visits. That was her 2nd visit, the one before that quit too. CLEANING services are not effective if the MESSY FOLKS do NOTHING for themselves. NOTHING but take showers......

(I ran across this forum whilst searching of info on how to deal with my frustrations; good stuff and thanks to everyone for sharing; when you look at these messes in your home you feel as though you are the only one with this "Dirty Little Secret" and it is very offputting; Its good to reach out to an understanding audience and hear both sides)

18 year old slob daughter here. So strange that all of the parents are here. Most likely the culprit is ADHD, depression, or a ( dare I say it) lack of proper structure. For me, it was a mix of all. It dissapoints me that some parents don't take any liability for the way their children act. 20 years old. 2 years ago she just became legally responsible. 5 years ago just started high school. 10 years ago when you say it started she was probably hoarding barbies along with her plethora of filthy dishes. Now that she is of age you will kick her out for the same problem she had at 10? For an issue that has been embedded in her existance even from childhood? A habit that was more nuisance than alarming which turns a mother's gentle care into a raging fit of indifference. Then no longer she is your child but a road block. I know this post is many years old but it is still being read. Don't let bitterness turn your support into an ultimatum. Me and my mom's relationship is to the point where even if I personally want to change, I hold so much resentment and hopelessness to pull through with it. I will give you a tip. Motivation. Buy her a new hamper or storage for her things. Maybe a new lamp or rug. Make her excited to transform her room. No judgement in the process. Not a word but support. After? Develop a close relationship. Come in to talk to her sometimes, offer to make dinner so the dishes stay downstairs. Build a routine where she can no longer hide and burrow into the depths of her room. Convince her to light a fragrance and keep the door open to air the room out. With an open door she will be more aware. She needs a listener, supporter but most of all structure. It's soul training, confidence building, everyday business. Throw away deadlines or ultimatum and throw in some time and effort. Ego walls down. I know it's hard to listen to your own daughter when you feel you are the magnitude of her existance. So please, listen to someone elses.

Some really nice suggestions there Sarah.

Tell her that if you come home to the house a mess with her stuff, then it will be thrown out on the lawn and she will have to go through it all. My mom did that to me, and i have never been messy since!

Tell her either you clean the bathroom or I do it and I charge you for it ($25 seems fair).

Cleaning Rent. Free rent as long as room stays acceptable, otherwise charge for messy room space. Then use that money to hire a cleaning service. However, cat litter and food is NO. My messy ds is not allowed food in his room, no if and or buts about it. No food and any room but kitchen/dining areas.

This is soooo interesting. I posted my woes here years ago. To the theories of mental disorders etc. with all due respect I say hooey. DS is about to turn 35 and has her own place. She does not pick up after herself. What she does do is get a cleaning service when it gets to where she can't stand it. She never hit this point living under my roof. Why? Because it was my roof. So mental disorder? No. Lack of respect for my space. Lazy. Self centered. I could go on. I don't regret one moment of throwing down the gauntlet.

She is working PT AND a FT student, that's a very stressful workload.

I dig this topic. Believer's post now 8 years ago really felt like a dopilganger of my life. Back injury belongs to my husband - slob 20 year old daughter with toddler. Love the Lord, love my husband, love my kids (all of them) !! I work a lot and long hours. Head of household etc. want a cleaning lady!! Can't afford it. Anyway, it's the yucky stuff that's tough for me to stomach. Health hazard issues (won't go into the gorier detail: all dirty secrets mentioned same in all postings above).

I consider myself a rather patient, empathetic and understanding parent and wife. Lean back on God mostly and in human error get explosively angry when it eventually comes out of me (about twice a year). That recently happened. I lit into my daughter and completely lost my temper which promptly resulted into me giving hell to my hubby.

Im not a step back and get mad then do nothing about it person. I take full accountability for my actions and know I have the right to have complete control over my thoughts and emotions. You bet I will apologize then search for a solution. I will try anything once to see if it will work. I've done it all...1. Compassionate conversations around health hazards. 2. "Whipping day" - didn't call it this (wish I had) with three warnings and dates marked in the calendar 3. Work together on the mess 4. Charged rent (til she lost her job (s)) 5. Therapy - lol I laugh but seriously it's scary how out of control it is. Note: I love the red waste basket Idea and only wish I would have done this.

Then finally the ultimatum. Can't do this any more with you - get out. This was the day I lost my patience. It took me three days to get right in the head before I could sit down and think about what the root cause is and how I need to figure this out or risk loosing my relationship with my daughter.

Sarah is right - when i am sane I agree with her thought process. In truth I have always thought that my daughters action have a ton to do with stress, depression, anxiety and wow on the comment about being this way for 10 years - now I should expect her to change? Amen! Absolutely right. This is something in my daughter that is just who she is. I have hope but know she will probably always have this as a characteristic of herself.

So after much thinking and trying to find acceptance - I literally sat down and wrote out a time line of events to try to figure out the root cause but more importantly what I can and can't change. Having a conversation with my daughter to try to figure it doesn't work. My daughter tunes me out whenever I approach her with a conversation. Blank empty stare sitting still like she literally is def to anything I say ever. So if I showed her my personal exercise I know it would make no impact. So the root cause is her level of respect. It's not that she completely disrespects me personally, she has no appreciation for everything I have done for her or given to her. Not her fault. I have had this distorted idea that she has no respect based on how she treats her belongings, my belonging , her living environment. The reality is I have spent literally her life time giving her everything - wants, needs etc. I have sheltered her from the reality of cost and living hardship. I have made all her choices for her because I think I know what she needs. She has a strong independent personality in that she insists on learning the hard way and no one, not just me but literally no one can give her unsolicited advise. She has made up her mind she wants and will learn through trial and error. As a parent even as an adult I'm still trying to protect her and always will have the desire to do so.

In the heat of the moment during my breakdown and while we were screaming at each other she said something to me: " every time I'm with the baby you want to make decisions for her". What she meant was I intervene to much. Once we did talk several days later, she really meant everything, from getting the baby when she cries to purchasing all her clothing, belongings and needs. I said to her "do you have any idea what it costs for me to provide for you, your brother, T and your baby?" She said: "no actually I don't". Wow - an awaking for me. I realized yes it is true she doesn't have respect but what she doesn't respect is what I do for her and her child, my grand baby, to provide for them because she has been given everything and hasn't had the chance to understand what respect really means. By my own choice I take care of the baby so my daughter is not so stressed (this is what I had been telling myself - as a mom wanting to help my child, protect her from anxiety); I buy everything so she doesn't feel financial pressure while she is in college, raising a child and working part time. But man what an awaking- this isn't what she needs at all. What she needs is to solicit help from me when she has figured out she needs help and then she will learn respect. I can't assume she needs anything anymore. I need to set some healthy boundaries.

So I sat down and wrote her a letter and explained that I am here for her when she needs me. I explained that I realize it's time for me to back off and it's time for her to go figure out her life and how to live. I will stop assuming I know what she needs until she tells me and comes to me for my support. I told her i will now stop giving her everything she wants and help her only with her needs. I did tell her it's time for her to move out of the house because I have very specific rules and if she isn't going to follow them then she needs to be somewhere she can make up her own rules and have full autonomy over her adult independence. For her and I both this is a healthier arrangement. The other part I have learned is that in order to love her, I have to let her go. She needs a chance to face her failures and disappointments and I need to be there when she needs me and I will. I have a right to have rules in my own home. I have a right to decide what is tolerable and what isn't. I have earned my home and the right to have it cared for with respect but respect is A learning process and I can't teach her any longer. One day she will own her own home and she too will have earned the right to have her rules followed and she will want respect too.

It's only been a couple weeks since our big blow out. We are moving to a new home soon. Her hours got cut back at work and she now has has some decisions to make in terms of her living arrangement. I listen and if she asks for my advise I will give it - if not, I will only listen. I told her she has options with her living arrangements. My house comes with rules. For the record if she does move with us, I am warning her ahead of time of "whipping day". It's something she has to abide by. And when I whip all her belongings out every two weeks - what's gone she will have to replace on her own.

Thanks everyone for your posts. I will let you know how it goes.

PS - I will take unsolicited advise :)

So yeah. The thing is a mother never stops being a mother. If a grandchild is in your home there really is no window of opportunity to switch from mother to grandmother. I am totally guilty of doing exactly what you are doing as a grandmother. I just got it right this past summer. I pulled way back. It was hard! My gran missed some trips and didn't always get new clothes. When it was clear that my resources were being redirected his parents ponied up or dealt with his disappointment. I don't believe that it is our job or duty to give grown people options. Maybe it isn't their problem but ours for nor forcing them to act like responsible adults. My new mantra is "pretend I am not here" My mother's saying was "When it hurts enough you will deal with it." Children hold up in parents houses as a refuge from the world is not God's plan

Good luck with your move. Here is hoping that you are only taking with you the things that make you happy

Mzdee glad to see I am not alone with the grand baby situation. I completely understand where you are coming from right down to the "didn't always get new clothes" comment. It is soooooo hard pulling back. I'm determined to stay grounded by my decision though. God give us strength. I am very much looking forward to a healthy bonding grand parent relationship as my grandchild gets older as well as with my daughter. I would be curious to see how you are holding up and would love to hear what you have learned. My daughter is a really good mom. I have seen her commit and really hold her own on her beliefs and views. I admire that in a person. Especially when we got into our screaming match. She made some smart choices such as walking away instead of fueling the fire. She knew I was irrational and I wasn't snapping out of it any time soon so the smart move was to pick up her baby from day care and spend the night at her BFs house. Though I didn't agree with her (after all I was very upset). I admire her ability to find her inner calmness knowing that what was truly best for her child was to remove them both from me for the evening. I had a great sense of relief from her decision. After all the last thing I would want is my grandchild to see us at each other's throats and be present in an unhealthy environment. It was a smart choice. I mentioned to my daughter in the letter how I did feel proud of her for taking action.

Didnt stop me from being so mad I could spit fire for what started the fight to begin with: The disgusting garbage heap she had smeared, melted, soaked all over the car she drives ( I bought) which included brand new clothes for the baby and the redicously over priced stroller my friend and I purchased for her. No wonder I can't afford maid service (now that I think about it). It will be interesting to see how much money I am able to save now that I'm pulling back (which will go in the oh crud I'm in trouble fund when she "needs" it). In any case it's the straw that broke the camels back as the saying goes.

Note* I noticed believer mentioned that she sisnnt necessarily condone her daughter living with her BF just got so upset it didn't matter anymore. I also have the same strong beliefs and I also felt the same way in the heat of the moment. Her BF lives with an elder relative with like strong moral beliefs so they sleep in separate rooms if and when she stays with them. Her BF very much respects the rules in his home. That's a sigh of relief for me.

They expect that you should allow it, after all it's in their room, wrong. I have three sons. Tell her she can keep it clean or pay 75.00 a week for a housekeeper to come in and do it. She will make an effort or move. Real life is more expensive than mom's.

Believer, how are things now?

I realize this topic may be over for you, Believer, but I came here because I am the daughter that has the disaster area room. I'll tell you my story as briefly as I can so you can have a comprehensive view of my issue:

My mother was physically and emotionally abusive towards my brother and I. I started puberty at 8 and my body was changing but I was also gaining weight despite an active lifestyle and not changing my eating habits. My mother would come into the dressing room with me and if something didn't fit, she'd yell at me and hit me. She'd say things like boys don't like fat girls and you'll never get married and you'll be alone, do you want that? This went on until I was 12. She'd go off on one person and continue to the next. I told my parents when I was 12 I thought I had depression because there were come counselors that talked to us about the signs and I had them. My grandmother, the closest family member to me besides my brother and father, died only 3 weeks before 9/11, which I watched. I had also been sexually assaulted the year previous by a friend.

Turns out I had PCOS and I did in fact have major depressive disorder. I tried to kill myself and I cut myself often. It went away and I started college. My mother came to terms with her issues, apologized, and I forgave her. I truly do, and I love her. However, the summer after my first year of college, my left ulnar nerve (funny bone in layman's terms) became trapped and nerve pain is a pain that I can not even describe. It is all-encompassing and even the wind hurt. The water hitting anywhere on my left arm hurt. It just hurt. After a year of occupational therapy and meds I finally got the surgery. During that year I didn't keep my dorm or home rooms as clean as I liked since pain, and then a year recovering.

First semester of senior year the pain is back, I get the surgery again because the scar tissue from the first surgery was compressing the nerve. I was and still am taking 2700 mg of gabapentin a day for pain and migraines. That year I also started having panic attacks and didn't want to leave my room. From then on anxiety consumed me and now I have panic disorder with agoraphobia, major depressive disorder again, and PTSD. I had to drop out of grad school for medical leave and receive SSI and live when my parents at 27 years old.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with those things and my dad and I looked at each other and were like I thought I was just being lazy, not cleaning my room, letting trash just stay there as well as dirty dishes. Now my parents understand (and so do I) and that anxiety has lessened. I've cleaned my room multiple times but only do it in spurts. The pills I take (including gabapentin) make me tired and I sometimes pass out from them, or I'm in so much pain I don't have the strength to do anything.

If anyone, a parent or child or whoever struggles with this issue, that's my scenario. Talk to your doctor if you think you might have or just maybe could or are wondering about depression. You have to work through the stuff in your mind first before and real work can be done, because the problem will just keep happening. Know that this isn't done out of disrespect or anger or laziness (potentially). If you've never had depression then don't you dare think you know anything about how to handle this situation. Stop think about yourself and learn and help each other out. Get the harmful stuff out of the room first (dirty dishes, trash, etc.) and tell your person that you aren't disappointed or mad or ashamed for you, that you only love them and want to help them and you can help in this way. You won't be intrusive, you'll listen if your person needs a break and that means you get out of the room.

It will take a while, for both of you. If my family didn't support me emotionally like they do now, I would not be here to write this to you. So take a step back from yourself and think about what your person needs and how you can help them. Know that they don't like living in a trash heap any more than you like having one in your house. You can get through this together. <3

Thank you for sharing your story. I am truly glad that you and your family have found forgiveness and common ground. So the pain is manageable when dishes are brought into the space but too unbearable to take them out of the room? No need to answer. Your story belongs to you.

What a passive aggressive snarky thing to say.

I don't blame you believer. She is an adult and should know better. This is what happens when adult children come to live with their parents. It's a hard situation. I have my issues with my 22 year old. I keep having to tell him to throw out the trash. He's not paying rent, utilities, buying groceries...nothing. All he has to do is do things around the house. it gets frustrating because he's a grown @$$ man. it's embarrassing for him and for us to have give consequences for an adult???. My kid leaves dishes with food in them still. leaves the window open or unlocked...we had a burglary, and spends hours in the shower. I gave him this scenario about running a business. If you are paying someone to do something, it's because you want to focus on something else right? Why pay this person if you have to take time away from what your doing to see if this task is done? The point being is they need to give too. He's a great kid too. He came from a hard place. and he's doing well in school. But, this is enough.

So, pitch him a tent in the back yard and tell him if he's not fit to live in a house like a civilised adult, this is home until he can.

I too have really struggled with my adult kids (well...2 out of four). It makes me sad.

I feel as if we all need some kind of group...There aren't really any one-size-fits-all answers here. We love our kids. We're afraid of the power they have, especially if there are grandchildren involved. They can, and do, disgust us.

I don't have any answers as I'm in a pickle also. However I do have something that I noticed. My former slob daughter, when she moved out, turned into a strange kind of Felix Unger character (I assume most of you know who that is...).

I can only guess at the reasons for the change...you might think maturity, but during her Oscar Madison years at my house, she was as mature and kind and thoughtful and smart as she is now.

Perhaps she really felt a lack of control there and the only way to feel in control was to have this power struggle with me...

Perhaps she really DID think "I don't care it's not my house"...sad but possible. In which case that would be a lot of disrespect, but that's part of growing up.

All I know is that NOW, I must take off my shoes when entering her apartment. I cannot put down an empty cup but that it doesn't get immediately whisked away to be cleaned and put away. God forbid I don't use a coaster....

I find this rather amusing and, in a totally childish move on my part (fully admit to it) I sometimes DO leave a book out at her place...or walk away from my cup when I'm done.

This metamorphosis is a very odd thing to see, and to have experienced.

Now, on the other hand, my son...wait. Your lives are not nearly long enough :)

TL;DR...post your vents and issues. Sometimes we have to grab all the tea and sympathy we can get.

Tea and wine. Thank you for your response. I do wish there was a support group Sometimes I do just need to vent. But, time does go by and so shall this.

Wow, this thread is still going strong!

My daughter, now 21, was a total slob as a teenager to the point where I finally picked my battle and decided that it's her space. If she wants to be a pig, that's on her. And she was. What changed her was going off to college. Her roommate was even worse than she was, and she was embarrassed to have anyone over, even me. I'm not one of those parents who walked into their dorm room and did their laundry. I ignored it completely. There was not a single square inch of floor space not covered by dirty clothes, none of them my daughter's. Hers were in laundry baskets. She came home after that first year and kept her room clean. Not spotless, but reasonably clean. She decided after that to stay home and commute because she couldn't take it and couldn't get a new roommate. A few months ago her boyfriend came to stay with us. They have the entire third floor to themselves so I don't go up there much, but I have heard her yelling at him to clean up his clothes and do his laundry. She doesn't tolerate food or dishes up there, either. I'm actually proud of her for putting her foot down. What a difference being on her own for a little while made--having pride in yourself and your surroundings is a big boost to your self-confidence, too. (The boyfriend is actually leaving to go home next week. She doesn't seem all that upset about it.)

I have been following this thread for years. I could have written the original post. I want to encourage any parent raising a slob to start early and not allow the filth nonsense to continue. Looking back at when this all began, I would have made a point of getting our daughter help. I am the mother of four adults, six grandchildren. I gave birth to two, my DH adopted them; then we adopted two other children: one at birth, the other when we lived overseas at age 6. Today they are 38/m, 32/f, 26/m, 25/f. The three oldest are married, youngest engaged. Three in the military, and one not is the one that is the major slob....and mother to five children: three bio children and two from her new husband. So, if I concisely look back at what I did as a success and what not, I would say that the daughter was "fine" until she hit about 10th grade. She had been homeschooled until 9th grade, then entered public school, where she had great success. We moved to Northern VA, outside of DC for her 10th grade, where she literally fell apart. She had hormonal health issues and she became rebellious when her older brother bought her a cell phone. I didn't even have a cell phone back then (16 years ago).... yet she had a cell phone. She absolutely refused to listen to me after that. She "saw" that my brother got his way and she got to keep the phone, so she ratcheted up her attitude and it solidified her entitlement attitude. IF I could repeat what happened back then, I would have tossed that phone and claimed control of my daughter. When the movers were coming to pack up the household goods to move, she was about to graduate. We "prepacked" certain rooms, but hers was at least knee deep in hoarder/pig crap. My entire house is clean and tidy, but we thought she'll get tired of her environment, but she did not. I learned this, "YOU CAN GET USE TO ANYTHING". I got use to her slobbery and she never got sick of it. Fast forward to her as an adult 16 years later. Well, she has had a very hard time with her relationships. She married a guy, had three children and he filed for divorce six years into the marriage. It was not final until just before their 10th anniversary. He couldn't live in the filth any longer. He was raised by a messy mother and she was nothing different. Every time he came to our home, he genuinely started picking at her because he sees that there is another way to live: YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE HOW YOU LIVE and have healthy habits. He finally chose cleanliness over disgusting slobbery. She knows he left her over her filthiness. Before she was divorced, she immediately moved another guy and his two kids into her den of filth. Over the next four years, he got sick of the filth over time and left her twice. Each time, she would get things cleaned up. He moved back in. He left her again. She cleaned it up. Both of them went into therapy. Got married.... and one of his boys moved back in with his mother because of the filth. Talk about 'dirty little secrets'? The filth is so disgusting. My grandchildren come to our home and beg me to intervene to keep them with me. It breaks my heart. It is so stressful for them to come to our home that I have not seen them but a glimpse since Christmas because they put up such resistance with their mother... because it's all getting overwhelming for her again. ALL of my other adult children are normal. My daughter in laws praise me for raising great, helpful men. Our youngest daughter was a dream child: she purposefully refuses to listen to any advice the oldest daughter gives to her because she chooses to buy into the bs and be a drama child. She KNOWS we are telling the truth about life, being responsible for your own choices, and success. She knows that the slob daughter has had tremendous help from us and that we have ALL helped the daughter that's a slob babysitting, cleaning, clearing out the rental homes many times when she's moved, then cleaning them.... and KNOW that she is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. IF you don't think slobbery is a big deal, let me paint a few pictures for you: you'll walk into their home with knee to thigh high crap and literally a "walking path" to different areas of the home. Kitchen has at least 6-10 stacks of weeks of pizza boxes, every dish filthy, rotted food, crap growing in the bottom of glasses, on plates, and trash is everywhere. Walmart and grocery bags with rotted food and maggots oozing under bags, rotting food smells, so much disgust growing in toilets, and under those clothes and garbage, a huge mound of ANTS!!!! And roaches!!!!!! SO, do not think for one minute that slobbery is something to be tolerated. I kicked this same daughter out of my house at 21. She was half-a$$ performing in college and lived at home and refused to clean her room. We gave her money and paid for everything college-related and provided her a vehicle. We have treated ALL of our kids the same: all we ask for is their best and will pay for C's and above in college. When we refused to pay again for bad performance (my husband is retired military officer and a college professor) with her classes (D's and F's), she got a school loan, which she is STILL paying for, we gave her a specific date to get the room cleaned up in our new home. She pi$$ed away the money for college on crap and she is having her IRS tax refunds withheld to put toward the money she owes.) Anyway, I threw open the sash in her bedroom at the "time's up" deadline and started grabbing the closest objects in my reach. By third pitch of crap breaking and flying out of the window onto our driveway, she got her buttocks off the bed and said, "I'm leaving." I agreed with, "Yes, you are. Tonight." Her brother, protector, cell phone provider, came into the room... and said something like, "If she goes, then I go." I said, "Pack your bags, too." This ALL made a huge impression on the teens I was still raising. The son landed on his feet and went back into the Navy. The slob daughter picked up a guy she met off C'List and went to the UPS store and married him. It's been nothing but a drama filled life of excuses and non-performance with the slob daughter. Our other children are wiser, respectful, responsible adults that absolutely 'see' that mom and dad were right about life and our slob of a daughter. I cover them all with prayer and know that even today, I have never seen my slob daughter's best and neither has she. I only hope that our grandchildren know that life is about choices and IF you do not want to live in filth, it's a choice. And if you want to not live in poverty, then education IS the way out of poverty. We're here to help, but I refuse to accept the responsibility for my daughter's choices in life. I encourage all of you to stand firm and know that IF you believe counseling would help at a young age, then get them help. I don't know what else I could have done. By the way, talk about 'relationship' with my slob of a daughter: I do care about all of them. However, when she has failures in life, she wants to paint me with broad strokes and she comes up with some blame game of rebellion. I KNOW when she changed and I KNOW what proffered her change. I am just sharing and encouraging anyone reading this dealing with a slob of a child: DO NOT LET THEIR REBELLION OF LIVING IN FILTH WEIGH YOU DOWN AND BOWL YOU OVER SO THEY WIN THEIR CHALLENGE. Open that window when they're young and throw their "personal items" out the window.... EARLY... don't wait until they're 20-21. It just peeves them off when they're older trying to pull that stunt: it will get them to leave though! You have a slim chance of training them and making an impression at their young age. AND IF you have a high school graduate without college or trade school plans, I have five suggestions for you that WORK to help you make them responsible adults: ARMY, NAVY, AIR FORCE, MARINES, MERCHANT MARINES will all given them a place to live, train them to maturity, and give them more education, and pay them. If they fail to plan, give them a boot. Pushing them out of the nest will force them to sprout wings.

I came to this site because I totally lost it with my 18 year old granddaughter today. She just graduated high school and will be leaving to go to university 1300 miles away. She is good and never stays out. She lives with me because of problems she had at home with her parents and sisters. Her room there was really bad. I know I cleaned it twice and it was an all day ordeal. She went to a magnet school for arts and I would drive her to the bus every morning at 5:30 am for 1 1/2 years. Many days she didn't get home until 7 or 8. She graduated with honors and an almost full scholarship to college.

For certain reasons I need to refinance my mortgage on my condo and they needed to do an appraisal of inside of home. I asked her yesterday morning to please clean her room. She said she was going to yoga (in my car), she'd do it later. She came home and I said let's do it now, but she said she was going to her friends pool party (in my car) and she'd do it later. I knew there was no later, as I took the advice of just ignore the mess. I cleaned it in about an hour. It was mostly water bottles, candy wrappers, old fast food bags and drinks, wet stained towels under bed, sheets under the bed, clothes (way too many clothes) all over the place. I put the garbage in a bag and asked her to please take the garbage out when she got home, "Later" was the answer.

Oh yeah, I allow her boyfriend to spend their time together in her room. Yeah I know what is going on, but it's gonna go on anyway. He is good person. He tries to clean up after her but it never lasts. She told him to throw out garbage, but that didn't happen. This morning I waited until 10 am (appraiser coming at 10:30) and asked her again, please take out the garbage. Didn't happen, she just said she was tired and didn't move.

I am embarrassed to say it, but I lost it. Kicked the garbage bag down the stairs, cursed at her and told she could get out. She spent the morning crying and avoiding me. I said I was sorry and she didn't care I was sorry, that I was the only person in the family she had really loved and now she really knew what I thought of her. She said she is looking for someplace to stay and thanked me for having her thrown out of another place (meaning her parents).

I feel so sad now and feel that we will be estranged for the rest of my life. I am 65 years old and have a chronic disease, so I can leave this earth any time. But I also feel that I have been unappreciated. Maybe I shouldn't have expected anything in return for taking her in and helping her get through her last year of school (making breakfast, lunch and dinner for her every day), picking her up, letting her use my car, and working to support us both but all I really wanted was for her to be happy again and her companionship until she leaves us for college.

What can I do to overcome this?

Dearest HU, I am sorry that you are struggling with this. I have a grand child that I love deeply. So I empathize. However I feel like you know what needs to be done. You have been loving and compassionate. The simple truth is that even those we love will take advantage. Don't do this to yourself, allowing your peace and your property to be disregarded. Be kind to your granddaughter by giving and enforcing rules and boundaries. If you don't the penal system will.

Dear mzdee, thank you for the encouragement. I'm afraid that she will carry on with avoiding me, not talking to me, crying for the last month she will be here until she leaves. Actually when I put it in writing, that isn't much different than how she has been acting since school ended. She stays holed up in her room all day and night and only comes out to eat or shower and go out.

So, let's face it, you won't miss her. She's a taker, you really don't need her in your life, you only think you do.

_You_ got her thrown out of her parents' home? Sounds like she did that all be herself, she was lucky you rescued her- but clearly her self-obsessed little self doesn't see it that way.

I read this entire thread, then reviewed most of it again. I am having the same problem with my 19-year-old niece. She is an absolute slob. Thankfully, she doesn’t have a pet, but we have dealt with all other types of messes listed here. All of them. DH and I have a 13-year-old son who is generally neat and tidy. I have to ask him maybe a few times a week to pick up dirty socks or bring a plate to the sink, but thankfully he seems to be the neat and tidy sort of person. His room is spotless. I can’t take credit for that; I’m a former slob myself. But I have lived on my own since I was 17, and my parents didn’t have a say in how I kept my dorm room or apartment. I am 52 now, work full-time, and DH and I just bought our dream home in a brand new development. A beautiful new home that nobody else has ever lived in, with freshly painted walls and gleaming floors and new carpeting with industrial vacuum marks still on them. And ... today I opened my niece’s bedroom door and wanted to cry. I won’t go into the full story of why she lives with us, except to say her mother doesn’t have her own place and has been moving around for the past few years, staying with her other adult daughter and our youngest sister and her family. I know my niece is struggling with depression. I love her. I want to be a grounded, reliable person for her. But the constant mess, the careless surprises she leaves behind in the (now shared) bathroom for our son to see, the violation of rules set down (no food or drink in the bedroom) ... in light of the fact that we charge her no rent and in fact I treat her like my own kid, making meals and keeping pantry stocked with food she likes to eat ... it is a disrespect that I cannot continue to allow. I’ve tried many suggestions listed here, which works for a short while. I haven’t tried “whipping day” (love that phrase) or the “shape up or ship out” ultimatum. A few days ago, I told her she needs to start paying rent. We will use that money for a cleaning service. The only mess in this house will be hers; we keep our own rooms and common area neat and tidy (though I will be thrilled to have someone else vacuum the our pet’s hair out of the furniture and off the floor). It hadn’t occurred to me until reviewing this thread that even a cleaning service may balk at the mess. I am afraid I am approaching a point of asking her to leave. I just don’t understand how it comes to this. She’s a great kid in all other ways. But she is not MY kid, and bottom line here, I will have my home that my hard work and years of financial sacrifice paid for respected and kept in the way I would like for it to be kept. I wish I could think of a way to have both.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I will caution that rent will bring with it the assumption of rights. There could be many reasons your niece has this issue but you cannot figure it out. 19 is still so young but decisions right or wrong belong to her. Don't put your son through this. Don't put your family through this. In my experience my kids took much better care of what they paid for. You know your heart and you know what you need to do.

"I am afraid I am approaching a point of asking her to leave. I just
don’t understand how it comes to this. She’s a great kid in all other
ways. But she is not MY kid, and bottom line here, I will have my home
that my hard work and years of financial sacrifice paid for respected
and kept in the way I would like for it to be kept. I wish I could think
of a way to have both."

Have you laid this out for her as clearly as you have here?

You need to tell her, "I love you dearly, but...

When you disrespect the property I worked my butt off for and give to you freely to use, you disrespect _me_. It makes me feel that you don't love me back, and that saddens me. As well as the sadness I feel anger that the home I worked hard for is being wrecked and that my son is being forced to deal with someone else's mess.

If you can't abide by the rules of this house and keep your room tidy, that's fine. But I'm afraid you won't be able to do it here. It's your choice: the ball is in your court."

Set a deadline for here to either come to the party and start cleaning up after herself or find somewhere else to live. Make it a reasonably short deadline- ie, not six months for instance.

I totally understand where believer is coming from, I have exactly the same issues with my daughter, I have tried everything. people say close the door, my airing cupboard is in her bedroom and if I coul d I would move it, but it's not a matter of closing the door as it's just a n untidy bedroom, it's the whole house of not putting anything away, you cannot keep up with it and I end up at my wits end, I think there are degrees of untidiness and being slobby and when it becomes so bad and you have tried everything, it depresses you, I don t want to throw my daughter out, besides her father would not let me do that anyway, I think I would if I knew it would do some good, but I admit I don t want to ruin my relationship with my daughter. A year ago I rented a house around the corner as it all got too much and to make a point of how I could not live under those circumstances. My daughter was very angry with me and I was her so we were not happy with each other for a while but I agreed to come back after 6 months, but nothing has changed and to keep our relationship on a harmonious level I have to put up with it. I sometimes feel resentful but for the sake of keeping the family in a relative calm state I have to keep quiet. I feel for you believer as I just want a reasonably tidy place, I'm not a person who is over the top tidiness, just what I consider respectful and considerate tidiness for all living in the house. I have got a cleaner for 2 hours on a thursday, but her bedroom is so bad , that the door gets shut, it's too embarrassing, and besides it would not be fair on the cleaner honestly. I have cleaned her bedroom which took me a whole day and then it gets bad again, I work full time so I cannot keep cleaning her room at weekends, she is nearly 20. But she just does not touch it! What can we do beleiver?

I have a 12 year old and we just cleaned under his bed. It was absolutely disgusting. I lost my mind on him!! I realize reading these comments that from now on, I am going to be very strict about cleanliness. We are always on his case but from today forward, if the room isn't tidy, all privileges are gone. Cleanliness and orderliness are the basics of a successful life. I was a slob when I was younger too and I had issues getting basic things done and a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was pure lazy. My parents would lose it on me too but would lack consistency, which I would have very much benefited from. I feel like had I been more on top of things, I would've accomplished so much more in a shorter period of time. Even things like better grades and better work opportunities - had I just gotten off my a** and put more effort in.

I do not agree at all with those of you telling this woman to have her daughter close the door and ignore this. This is a problem that will follow you through life. I would question her mental health. but I would NOT let up. Why? Because years go by and you waste time living in filth. Once you tidy up, that depressive haze that lays over your brain lightens up, you feel better, you want to get out, you want to get things done. I do not wish for my son to go down this path so I will be on his butt every day about this.

Good luck to you all. Hang in there and know that it is not your job to be the good guy, but to raise successful and healthy human beings!

Good for you!!!

Hello, I'm new here. Not sure what name will show up since I didn't see a way to add one.

My boyfriends kids are so disgusting, you don't even know. The level of disgust is so concerning that I literally just called the 1-800 mental illness helpline to see if I was being too judgey or if this was mental illness or just spoiled kids.

My ex says they learned this behavior from his ex wife, but now they live seperate and these girls, OMG....hide garbage IN THEIR BED. Leave USED tampon applicators allllll over the bathroom floor with crusty panties and bloody tissue on the ground when there is a garbage can in the room. They literally like, do not know how to clean and have ZERO shame how they live. They both always look unkempt and dirty and wear oversized grandpa clothes and tiny booty shorts as if they do not know how to dress their bodies. It has been a problem for so long that I had to leave the relationship. I do not want to be with any man who can't discipline his children and teach them that is wrong and disgusting. And then when I point it out even though he KNOWS it is a problem....a problem so bad that he warned me about them before I ever met them, he just gets defensive and says I am judging him. To boot, they are mean and extremely disrespectful not only to me, but my children and HIM!

It's awful. I read online that there is an actual "condition" for this called Diogenes Syndrome. I don't know if this is what the deal is but either way it is beyond repulsive. And they all need help. Either by a maid or a psyciatrist.

The lady on the phone at the mental help hotline said..."I hate to tell you but there are a lot of nasty people who live like this regardless of socioeconomic status"... and she is right. BC my boyfriend is very wealthy. I mean, these girl would know that my two little boys would be coming over there and had ZERO shame about having absolute filth in their bathrooms and their rooms and how they treated their home. It was SO bad when I first went to his house after his divorce that I cleaned their bathrooms AND ROOMS bc I did not want my children to think that was acceptable. It took me 7 hours. To this day, never a thank you....nothing.

He lives in a nice house and they just trash it bc they have been allowed to for so long. He has tried to correct it but they were raised this way. He blames it in his ex, but any man who lets his wife bowl over you in a marriage like that for that long...sorry, you are the problem as well. I am sorry but behavior is learned. Put your foot up their ass and stop being bullied by your kids and be a parent.

They will never survive in the real world acting like this. You'll end up taking care of them their whole lives bc ain't nobody putting up with that crap! Be a parent! If you see signs of this in anyone you date and you are not a hoarder, get out.

I'm sorry you had to leave a relationship over this but this is a no win. Love does not conquer all. And with those kinds of habits, COVID is sure to find a home.

Hi, I'm new here. I've been looking online for ways to cope with living with a very sloppy person. It seems nearly impossible to change a slob. I found one site about living with a sloppy partner. I have read such sad accounts, couples that marry (I guess totally unaware of how the other really keeps house), and end up divorcing. I notice that mostly, the tidy, organized person, the one who prefer to live in a sanitary and orderly house, ends up having to change, ends up having to relax their standards, ends up having to back down, and having to live in silent frustration. It seems so unfair, how slobs are able to have/take such control. They dictate how things are going to be, how things going to look, smell, etc. Slobs don't see a need to change how they are, all they have to do is drive the clean person crazy.

My daughter and her child and I share a rental since she split up with her bf. Every day I wake up and cringe, dreading what the day will hold. It starts with my daughter never waking to my gd crying and screaming. I have to go in her room to wake her and I dread it because I just know I'm going to have an out of body experience. The smell of her room hits me as I open the door. This sets me off. She doesn't bother to flush her toilet. She lived in poverty with her bf for several years and developed some really bad habits, like half the time they didn't have tp, so she doesn't always bother to use it. Her floor always has junk thrown about, clothes all over, clean mixed with dirty, who know which is which, dirty silverware and drinking glasses she has repeatedly been asked not to take to her room, pop cans spilled or half full and just waiting to be spilled by her child. A big stinky mess, squalor. And there she is snoring away, none of this bothering her, not even a bit. Sigh She makes a mess in every other room, has to be reminded to clean up after herself, or she won't do it. Her cleaning up after herself barely qualifies as cleaning. She works full-time and goes to school, so she is busy, but she uses this as an excuse every time we get into it over her piggish ways. We get into some big screaming matches, and I'm always the loser. Nothing ever changes. She might go to her room and make an angry attempt at straightening out, but not really cleaning, slamming things and yelling so I hear her.

I feel like I'm living with a child, not a young adult. I'm having to parent her, and should not have to. I'm near retirement age with my many joint pains, it was a struggle to keep up with my own chores when I lived alone. and now I feel like I work nonstop and get nowhere. I'm sad and angry over all of this, and when depression sets in, it really affects how I feel and what I'm able to do. None of this filth bothers her. Her brand new car, the new car smell has been replaced with the smell of rotting food. She is so gross. I sometimes lose my mind, especially when the smell from her room makes it's way downstairs. I have simply lost it and have started cleaning her room while she's at work, because I just can't take it anymore. I have found dirty diapers tossed in the cabinet under the sink, pads with dried blood thrown on the floor by the toilet, scum with hair, dried toothpaste and makeup on every inch of her sink. I can't understand how someone can live comfortably in such an unsanitary environment. Disgusting.

Thanks for reading my long vent about what I'm living with. Thank you for your comments.

Perhaps you will need to make difficult choices. Now is not the time to accept unsanitary habits. COVID is real; we have lost too many friends to think otherwise. It isn't just the living habits it is the extension to social practices that should concern you. Please be careful in this season.

I love my daughter to death but I will tell you she will play that dam game when she gets off work and not clean a think I have to tell her to pick up this pick up that and lord knows I didn't raise her like that. I get so mad and she's lucky I'm her mother but it's time that she stays with one of her siblings because I will lose it. I can't stand filth. I go in the kitchen and it like every utensil is in the sink. She cooks and the kitchen is nasty I say clean as you go and she gets mad.Theres no need to get mad because cleaning is something that you're already supposed to do especially when you're grown You clean the bathroom when you use it take a shower and use the sink if you clean your dishes after you cook I understand if you cook and then you eat but then after that you wash the dishes I understand cleaning your room for God's sakes.

I know this is an old post but I have to comment to get this off my chest . I recently moved into a beautiful home with my partner . He is neat and clean and one of the nicest people I’ve ever know but the adult children he has raised and helpless ! Spoiled and entitled and he idolizes them and does everything for them . They do nothing around the house and now the 22 year old is home doing online grad school and video games and stays in his room in absolute filth . He takes his food back there and trash piles up. His closet is piled with dirty clothes and trash . I helped my partner get his old house on the market and cleansed for hours his kids rooms and bathrooms which were disgusting . A maid comes every 2 weeks and the just put trash in the closet and under the bed . I’m losing respect for my partner because he refuses to say anything in case it upsets the kid . Yesterday I lost it . I work hard and we now have our beautiful home and I find it so disrespectful the way he acts . My partner is out of town so I left the 22 year olds dishes in the sink for a week ! He expects everyone to bow down to him and clean up after him . I’m done !

now my partner is angry with me I upset his son . At my wits end .

You're going to have to have take a good hard look at your relationship with your partner. Unless your partner is willing to meet you halfway and insist his children keep their spaces clean or move out, nothing will change. Are you willing to put up with the son's filth for an indefinite amount of time, for the sake of this relationship?

If not, you need to communicate this to your partner. Let him know that the filth is a deal breaker for you and that if things don't improve, you'll walk. Then, if things don't change, move on, there are better things out there and a single life is better than one with a partner who doesn't have your back.

Wow! Can’t believe this post has been active for 12 years! Says a lot about the extent of the problem. There is now a whole FB group “Parents of Adult Children living at home”, so possibly the conversation has continued over there? Thank to everyone who posted! Lots of good stuff here. No easy answers, but I have garnered a few solid suggestions of how to deal with my 25 yo DD who has moved home for the 3rd (and final 🙏🏾) time and seems to be in no real rush to take responsibility and move forward with her life. Prayerfully, in 6 months I’ll be back here with a praise report or maybe I’ll see you in the FB page! Cheers and blessings to each of you!

Hi, O can see this was a long time ago. I am wondering how it turned out.

I just married my husband in 2020. I have no children of my own. Reading all these posts I am appalled. I can not believe people live like this. All these posts sounds exactly like my SD/22. I told her and her brother that we are all adults and need to clean up after ourselves. He is in college an he complies when he is home. She has been with us for the past year and I am so glad she will be moving back in with her mom in Jan. We just built a house in 2020 so it burns me up to see her trash the room and the bathroom. Her room looks and smells like a homeless person lives there. She makes a complete mess of the kitchen when she cooks. Half a$$ cleans it. I end up redoing it. She ignores the rules that were set. After I work forty hours a week and commuting an hour each way, the last thing I want to do is clean up after her every night when I get home. Her dad and I do feel very disrespected. I want to tell her she is not allowed to move back in, but her dad agrees but I'm not sure he will follow through with the decision.

Well, as long as you and your husband put up with it, you're giving her permission to keep doing it. So .... you two need to be a team and come up with a solution.

Not a doctor but am a sciatic sufferer. Well, almost was. Will not be for long. There are different people on YouTube (some doctors, some therapists, some recoverers) that show several sciatic nerve "exercises," they are actually stretches. When we get older, whether we exercise or not (you should though), we forget to stretch. It is VERY important. I started these stretches and holy cow, Yowzer! They work! Slowly but surely, the problem is going away. It used to be I could not lay on either side at bedtime and that my only relief was to lay on my back. The stretches are not that painful (meh, think of the level like a papercut comparing a deep knife cut (sorry, couldn't think of a different analogy). You will feel a SLIGHT discomfort but consistency is the key. You didn't get this way overnight and the stretches actually work within just 4 days (well, for me). However, the sciatic discomfort when walking started to go bye bye first. My right leg walked fine but my left left didn't want to fully extend when walking, like, my left leg wanted to slightly bend a little. Getting better. Working on stretches for both legs. AND, there is even stretches for the buttocks. I didn't start doing anything until the problem headed to my left butt cheek. Getting better and I do this everyday. When I finally reach 100% problem fixed, I WILL do this for the rest of my life because I want it to be a routine as natural as fixing breakfast or dinner. I do them in the morning before shower, afternoon, and right before I go to bed. You're supposed to do them once a day but I am doing Armageddon on its sciatic hiney. It's probably why I am healing faster than normal. If it's the weekend, I will do them like every 2 hours. The 2 secrets are...CONSISTENCY and DETERMINATION. Never give up. Depending on how often you do them, the faster you will heal. My mindset is do them alot, not once in a blue moon. Look up Dr Berg on Youtube. He has SEVERAL videos on this very thing. I do all of his all but I also do others too. Good luck. Also, a very hot soak in the tub for an hour did nothing. I realized it's good for achy muscles but not for sciatic nerve problems in which the only cure is stretches, stretches, stretches.