Mother of Estranged Teenage Son

Please don't beat yourself up about whether you have been a good parent, you sound like you have always done the right things.

Perhaps his father, with his lack of encouragement for his son to keep in contact with you, is making matters worse. It is very easy for the son to just stay away, isn't it ? Like sticking your head in the sand.

How do you deal with the loss, gee it hurts doesn't it. I have feelings of loss, myself, even though my son (18) lives in the same house !

I guess all you can really do, is ask him to meet you for dinner one night, I know this is difficult to achieve. Could his father help you out there ?

Perhaps you are focusing on the incident that started the estrangement, whereas you should be thinking of putting that behind you, and focusing on the future. Does he talk to his brother ?

They give you heartache don't they...

Dear Popi,
I have tried to meet up with him, but I get no response from phone calls or txt messages....NOTHING... His father could care less about me and our son having a relationship, this is just a way to get back at me.... I am not really focused on the incident that started all this, my hands are just tied at to what else I can do to find out why it is that he wants nothing at all to do with me.... I have even went as far as writing a letter and sent it certified to him - it came back and then I had my mother physically give it to him one night... I am not sure whether he read it or not, but at least I know that I tried to find out what is going on with him....

He has probably only talked to his brother once since all of this has went down...

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Is it possible your son feels that you deserted him, or abandoned him? If your ex still lives there and you moved away, this is likely what your ex is feeding him....

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You were there but then you moved....perhaps your son feels like you just ran off.

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Your son likely went along with this to stay in good graces with his dad.

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If you get good reports on your son, then you haven't failed as a mother. He is a good boy.

When boys of divorced parents hit their teenage years, often they want to be with their dads. My son is 13 and is doing the same thing, but I have contact with him....I didn't have to let him go, as I have full custody, but it was what he wanted and so, I allowed it.

Your son is probably not the one rejecting you - he is probably just following orders from your ex. I would try to make peace with the ex, if you can do that within reason, etc. Right now, your son probably feels he has to go along with whatever his dad says. I'm sure he still loves you.

Try to establish a better relationship with your ex, and that will help........good luck.

It was so comforting to read your post and know I am not alone. Our situations are almost identical. I agreed to allow my son to live with his dad primarily about 5 years ago, when he was 11. The original arrangement was that he was to spend time with me for regular visitation, every other week for a handful of days. Of course, that never happened. The time we spent together became less and less, though the time we did have was very nice. He was extremely loving once I could "coerce" him to come over. His dad and stepmom were everything but supportive.

To make a very long story as short as possible, this past May his dad and stepmom got angry with me because his family and I decided to rekindle our friendship, which we had allowed them to "forbid" us to have for the last 9 years. I think it goes without saying that there is an extreme control issue on their part.

I only consented to this because his dad and his family had not talked in months, and his sister wanted her girls and our daughter (who lives with us 50/50) to still be able to spend time together. I figured that since they were no longer talking, and the girls were so close, it would be okay.

Since my son's dad is upset with me and his entire family for talking, my son chose to be upset with me and his entire family too. He has not spoken to me, returned my phone calls, answered my texts, nothing. I also sent my son a letter, had to have my daughter smuggle it over to him, and the only feedback I got was that "he didn't like it". I sent him a short email the other day and he deleted it. My son's grandma, (my ex's mom is beside herself over this too...for her son and grandson won't talk to her)

My son, like yours is also known as a very good boy. Very sensitive, and caring toward others....yes, every other human being on this planet except his own mom:( He considers his stepmom his own mom, and even has her listed as his parent on Facebook. It rips my heart out every single day.

I just wonder how you are coping with this. I have been waiting 3 weeks to see my therapist and am finally going this Wednesday...I wish I could walk in her door and it would be fixed, but I know all I can wish for are some coping strategies.

The guardian ad litem I contacted thinks I should go for a modification of parental rights with the courts, but I'm afraid that pulling the courts into this and forcing my son to talk to me will only backfire.....or could it be it could not possibly get any worse than it already is?

Any thoughts or advice from anyone would really be appreciated, and "mother of 2" I truly feel like you and I could help one another through this horrible experience. I hope you now see that you are not alone either. Best of luck to you.......

Dear sirens:

I don't think it is desertion.. He begged me to stay with his father when I made the decision to move. We had numerous talks and this is what he wanted and I never deserted him... I was always asking and in contact with him about school, what was going on in his life, etc, etc...I was always there if there was a school function or sporting event that he was involved in and he came for regular every other weekend visitation and I saw him periodically through the week...until 1 1/2 yrs ago.

His father wants nothing to do with me and thinks it is great that our son wants nothing to do with me.... It is a way of getting back.... for what - I don't know.. Our divorce was mutual.... So establishing a better relationship really isn't an option for consideration..

Dear kteach94:

Thanks so much for you posting. Yes, It does sound as though we have alot in common with our sons. I can't offer a whole lot of advice as I have just turned to finding other parents that are going through the same thing for support, but I could be a support person. If you could post your email so we could converse periodically through email, that would be great. Hope that your therapist appt went well and that it is helping, please let me know - I may look into that direction for help also. You are in my prayers and thoughts. Look forward to hearing back from you..

Motherof2, you misunderstood what I said: I was not saying that you deserted your son. But if he did not want to move away from his father, that is what could be going on, inside of him - helped from his dad, of course. I didn't mean that I thought you deserted him.

My divorce with my children's dad wasn't mutual, it was very turbulent, but has healed with time. Don't give up, if there is any way at all to establish a good relationship with your ex, I would try it, as it is much easier and more comforting for the children. Good luck

Look up "parent alienation syndrome" so sad & so true. How can one parent screw their childs mind causing the child to reject the love and support of their other parent?! You hope the child sees through the lies and your actions will speak louder than the alienating parents words (which is all they have) but it doesn't work that way! hurts to watch your child drown in misery and failure but they will not take your hand so you can keep them from going under let alone allow you to give them the stability they need to make positive changes in their lives. The alienating parent's lies hold more weight than your love, yep I know it all too well. I have two daughters 'possessed' by their dad and know someone that has two sons 'possessed' by their mom. There is no reasoning! Why is the only option to totally alienate themselves from you, I bet you are not that scary and if they played their cards right maintaining a relationship with you would be quite "profitable" in many ways. ITS JUST SO SAD AND THE KIDS ARE CLUELESS TO THE MIND F-ING THEY HAVE GONE THROUGH AT THE HANDS OF THEIR (IN THIS CASE) FATHER. Educate yourselves! Take care of yourself, work being the healthiest and happiest you can be. YOUR CRIME? YOU CHOSE A CARELESS A-HOLE TO HAVE A CHILD WITH but THATS ALL YOU DID WRONG!!!! Pray for your children, they have to see what is going on, some will and others will go to their graves living a miserable lonely life, unwilling to see the truth.

What I forgot to say was to heal yourself, try to remember the times that your child was the person you know they are deep down (when they are thinking for themselves) and move on. Be the person you need to be for your own happiness! Concentrate on the relationships in your life that are strong, refresh your friendships you didn't have time for because of your children. when they come back you will be strong enough happy enough to give them another chance! I heard a story of a daughter that went through this until she finally realized the only reason she hated her mom was because her dad told her too. She felt so bad that she treated her mom so rotten and really worked hard to rekindle the relationship. So it does happen. Trust isn't easy to build and both sides don't have any.

Sadly they are young and stupid, the perfect victim to use for revenge. We call them ex-s for good reasons dont we! Too bad our kids have to figure out why by themselves! oh well they are just kids. We know that you never stop learning we are so much smarter than we were even a year ago, hopefully our kids will realize how much info they give up by not knowing us.

I hear you loud and clear. I raised my 2 kids by myself with no financial, physical or emotional support from their father. In fact, my ex owes me $35,000 in back child support. Not only that, I chose to be single and not to date so that my kids would not have to feel what so many stepchildren have felt. My ex-husband was physically abusive when we were married. He was an alcoholic. After our divorce, my ex moved away to North Carolina when my kids were very small. Of course, I would have never left my children. My kids are now 18 and 15. The 18 yr. old has decided to live with his father and his live-in girlfriend and her 3 small kids. My son has posted on his Facebook about what a horrible mother I was and that I spoiled him and he was fed with a "silver spoon." Personally, I think he's posting things like that for attention, but still, I'm very hurt and confused, as I thought I was a great mom. I took them camping and fishing. I took them to Disneyland several times. I took them to Yellowstone. We ate out, we went to plays, we went to movies. They had the best birthdays and Christmases - the list goes on and on! I tried so hard to give them not only things, but love and understanding. I loved my kids so very, very much and still do. I was crazy about my kids. It has always just been the 3 of us. My daughter is lonely and misses her brother, but she also resents me now, because she thinks I love my son more and I'm grieving so much over him that I forgot about her. Ugh! So not true. I was very involved with my children. I sacrificed my life for my kids. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I'm so lost and depressed and lonely. I feel betrayed. I'm the one who bestowed morals and values in my children. They are great kids and I feel like my ex will get the credit for that. I just hope because I raised my kids during their formative years, that they somehow, someday will remember who was there for them.

You are definitely not alone. I too went through the same heartache (and posted on forums too looking for another mother who understood). Our estrangement lasted two and a half years! But now my son (who's 23 now) and I are closer than ever. You can read our story, "Mom, Interrupted," at http://www.guideposts.org/prayer/mother-uses-prayer-reconnect-son.

Don't give up!!

"I just wonder how you are coping with this. I have been waiting 3 weeks to see my therapist and am finally going this Wednesday...I wish I could walk in her door and it would be fixed, but I know all I can wish for are some coping strategies."

motherof2, the way I cope is with the knowledge that I was (and am, I hope), the best mother I could've been. I KNOW I was a good mother.

My "mistake" was having two children with a man who was unfit to be a parent. I should've never had children by him - on the other hand, if I hadn't; then they would be different people. They would not exist. To answer your question - if you are still out there reading - the way I get through it is by knowing that our children do not really "belong" to us anyway - that is, we are the "vessels" by which they are born, but truth be told, both of my children, I give to the Lord. I do not view them as "property" (not saying you do), I just try to do what I think is best.....I cannot understand why my son wants to stay with a man who has never really lifted a finger for him - on the other hand, I think he is trying to "save" his father from lonliness, he is trying to "be there" for him because his father is very narcissistic and self-pitying. My daughter is with me, so I think my son feels he should be with his dad, so his dad won't "be alone." He is filling a role that his dad created for him.....his companion. It makes me angry, but on the other hand, if I step in and break it up, I think it would damage my son - he feels "needed" there, I believe; I have always been very straight, strong (even when I didn't feel it inside), and my son is secure about my loving him. He probably sees his dad as the weak person he is and is trying to "help" him, so in essence, the roles are reversed.

Sick and dysfunctional? Yes. But a 13-year-old boy cannot understand this.

Some things have happened that have made me come within a hair's breadth of going to get my son and bringing him back here, but I think that would damage him emotionally and create a greater psychological conflict for him. As long as he is living with his dad, he knows his dad is not alone. A heavy burden for a young man, but one his "father" has manipulated him into.....

I cannot live with constant conflict. I cannot and will not. If he CHOOSES to live with his father, and live in that environment, then I honestly do not feel I can step in. I raised him with morals and I was a good mother - that is all I know. I pray for the Lord's protection over him.

Like I said....it's my fault that his father is his father. I had children with this man.

"The guardian ad litem I contacted thinks I should go for a modification of parental rights with the courts, but I'm afraid that pulling the courts into this and forcing my son to talk to me will only backfire.....or could it be it could not possibly get any worse than it already is?"

I wouldn't get family court involved at all. They are notorious for DRAGGING things out, to get court costs and lawyer's fees. They are useless.

If you are still out there, I hope some of what I have said has helped....sometimes it kills me, but then I remember "to whom much is given, much is required."

Out of hope that we can help in some way, I've started a blog for hurting mothers...and my son is participating, at least by allowing me to include him. I've just got it up and running in the last week. Please visit.....

Here is a link that might be useful: Broken Bonds, Healing Hearts

I guess I am one of these hurting mothers. My son (he is 22 as of yesterday) and I have been estranged for a few years now. I moved away when he went to live with his father years ago and since then, he won't speak to me or respond to me in anyway. I believe it to be because of his father who threatened to destroy me via the kids years ago. I heard from my children on several occasions about the put downs and such that would go on around the kitchen table in his fathers house. My daughter actually left his house once because of it and threatened to never go back. I never realized the extent of my sons hatred toward me until this past Christmas when he wouldn't even come to the phone to say hello to me. He said he had nothing to say to me. My daughter says sometimes he hates me, sometimes he doesn't but he never lets his guard down to agree to talk to me. He won't even tell her (and they are close) what exactly the issues are that he has with me. I'm feeling so much hurt I can't stand it. I stumbled across this forum and will be back to read it through more ... I'm relieved to just not be alone. I feel so devastated about this.. it tears my heart out. I feel as if I've lost him forever. Its been a few years now and no hope of it ending anytime soon. I wrote him a long letter and had to send it via facebook. He won't make me a friend on there, won't give me his address or email. He also won't phone, or respond. I can just keep sending letters and hope he eventually gives in. I don't even know if he reads them.

I am so happy that I found this forum. I have been very close with my son for 18 years and now my ex has turned him against me because I am taking him to court because of child support issues. It is so heartbreaking to have a great relationship with your son for all his life and then four months before he leaves for college he abandons you completely. My ex told my son everything about court and skewed it and said I was greedy. My son should not even know we are going to court. My son is trying to get me to drop the case but I feel if I do so now it looks like bullying prevails and that I was playing games this whole time. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life and it is never off my mind. It is so frustrating that my son won't see that the fact that his father having involved him is so wrong. I don't want to sacrifice my principles and involve my son more by defending myself with details. It might even make things worse. It is also very sad that my son accepts what my ex tells him at face value. My mother used to warn me about this when my ex first was remarried years ago and i thought she was crazy. Thank you for listening and I am reading all of your posts and links and blogs which do help. God Bless.

Here's an excellent and current site below which deals with issues and research around family estrangement. It is a blog for families that break up.

Here is a link that might be useful: E-Stranged

To all of the posts above -

My lovely new wife and I have recently blended two families with four children (2 from each previous marriage) between the ages of 14 and 16. They were 11 and 13 when we brought the families together.

It is interesting that the boys (there are three) have all gravitated to their respective Dad's. My step son has a disability and lives with us, but he craves his father and would move there tomorrow if he could. His older brother is already there. One day he will just get up and leave.

One really good way to understand the male psyche at this stage of devevelopment ie during adolescence, is by reading Iron John by Robert Blye. It is somewhat anachronistic and it has been regaled and attacked endlessly from a myriad of different angles, but it still holds an important place in our understanding of how young men leave their mothers and fathers and head out into the world to become men. I recommend a read.

It suggests that these estranged sons will come and find their mothers again, but they have work to do in the sense that they are on a journey. They (the sons) will be tested, led into dangerous places, dip their wounds in clear running streams and ride on the shoulders of wild wooly creatures. To do this, they must steal the key from under their mother's pillow to release the wooly creature. Frued had views on this, but I will leave that to others for comment.

My own son is 16 and he separated from his Mother in November last year and is in the 30th week of estrangement. His Mother and I have exchanged many emails and I sense her pain and anguish over this. To her credit, she gets counselling and she is walking slowly. My view is that she needs to lay a strong foundation that estabishes the road back when he is ready to come. ie after he has been on the journey. It might take years, but deep within my son's heart, is a love for his Mother (and a lot of pain) that transcends everything. Her very motherliness affronts him right now as he is growing into a man. But, he will come back, looking for his first love when he is ready.

I urge all Mothers reading this to find the strength to keep writing the letters, sending gifts for birthdays and Christmas, asking about your sons through others, whatever it takes to let him know you are there and you still love him. Learn to see him not as a little boy, but as a young man, independent and strong,with his own essence and way of being.

He wil be back and it will be some specific event in his life that triggers it. Out of the blue, he wil be back.

I hope this helps.

M

Just show up. That's what I did. I came to his school and got him out 10 minutes early. He was caught off guard and seemed mad at first. He asked why I was there and I just told him I thought he would be happy to get out of school early and thought he might like to go out to eat. I didn't talk about anything but the things he's interested in. I acted like I was happy even though I was crying inside. I invited him to eat at a place he loved but he didn't want to, As I was taking him home (still being upbeat) I told him I was hungry then he agreed to eat. Eventually I told him that I missed him and loved and no matter what happened he would always be my little buddy. (My nickname for him when he was little) I told him he would always be welcome to come back. I didn't push too hard. I also told him I understand he wanted to graduate at the school he grew up in. Eventually we was laughing and things seemed normal. At least for the moment. He didn't come back. But it kinda patched things up. I never in a million years thought he would want to leave me and live with his dad. It has been a real shot to the heart. But it was his decision not mine. In my case he doesn't like living with his dad. They have never really been close. He just lives there so he can finish his junior and senior year. He had it made living with me and lives on the lake. He could be working at a waterpark instead of bagging groceries. I cooked dinner every night. It is the friends that is pulling him to stay. Even though I told him he could see his friends on the weekend, that was not enough. He does not play sports and he does not have a girlfriend, so I don't understand the strong bond. After they graduate they all go their separate ways anyway. I think the reason they avoid us is because they are afraid we will make them feel guilty for their decision and try and talk them out of it. I would try something dramatic to get his side of the story because he could be brainwashed by his dad. It's called Parental Alienation Syndrome. I think they want us to fight for them and if we don't they think we don't care. What's the worst that could happen? If you still have part custody, I don't think you would be arrested for trying to talk to you son. I know this is an old forum but I'm sure there are people out there that are still dealing with this situation.

Yes, estrangement within families is SO rampant these days. My son and I have reunited, but there's another estrangement relationship within my immediate family. Lesa0708reed, I would add that I think boys identify more readily with their fathers, no matter what kind of man their father is. Maybe they'll be considered a "mama's boy" if they stay with their mother? Just a theory of mine. That doesn't even take into account that the father is likely bad-mouthing the mother (certainly not the case of writer peterson_matthew2011 above), which certainly doesn't help help to heal the broken relationship.

I have not seen my 14yr old son since September 2015. This is because my now ex-husband, had me arrested for allegations of assault to injury on both him and our son. I believe that this happened because approximately 3 weeks prior to my arrest I had given my husband an ultimatum that if things hadn't changed in our marriage by the time we returned from a family holiday in the October that we would be over. We had at that time been married for 13yrs and our son was 12yrs old. Our marriage had been awful for almost the entirety of it but I tolerated things as I thought it was best for our son. My husband was a sociopath and narcissist. He was emotional abusive to me, offered no support in parenting our son, was catty and sarcastic to my older son from a previous marriage. He hacked my mobile, email and social media and basically had me left with no confidence or self-esteem. He contributed very little financially towards the running of the family home and I paid for 7 yearly holidays abroad and he contributed nothing other than some spending money. He very much was manipulative of our son, particularly against me. He allowed our son, latterly, to speak to me disrespectfully and threaten me with hitting me etc. He did nothing to intervene. To cut a very long story short, the case went to court (despite there being no medical evidence to back up his claims) and my lawyer said that my ex-husband "hood-winked" the Sheriff into believing his fabricated evidence. My son's evidence was very distressing to hear as he became extremely distressed whilst giving evidence (behind a scree) and was in tears saying he couldn't remember things. Unfortunately the Sheriff took his upset as evidence that he was having to relive the abuse. I was found guilty and following background reports and character references the Sheriff when I was in court for sentencing stated that "having read the numerous character references and background report he had a better insight into the situation and that it was clear I was a loving mother". I was given a 12month supervision order in February 2017. From the date of my arrest until the date I was sentenced I was on bail with a condition attached whereby I was not allowed to contact my son and only allowed to see him if he requested it. My husband, who is an IT officer, disconnected all of my side of the family to whom my son was exceptionally close, effectively cutting off everyone from my son's life. A few weeks ago my older son and I spotted that my son's name appeared on social media (having previously been blocked) and so my older son has finally managed to make contact and subsequently had conversations and video chats with him. I have too managed to see his details and I have sent him a private message just letting him know that I have thought about him every day and will always be there for him should we ever want or need me. I also told him I hoped he was ok and that I missed and loved him always. As yet I have not had a reply but I will hope and pray that eventually he will. My divorce came through last week so I am pleased about that but my heart breaks for not having seen my son in all this time. We, incidentally had a very close relationship right up until the day of my arrest. My husband clearly wanted to destroy me because I had finally stood up to him and stated that I wasn't tolerating his treatment of me any longer. Being able to read on this forum of others having gone through similar is very, very helpful.

I've been looking for stories from the teen sons who've become alienated from their moms ... after the teens became older. What the heck was going through their young minds to lead them to abandon their moms and their moms' families. I'm just heartbroken and dumbstruck by all this.

I am crying reading all this as I am going through this right now with my 16 year old son and 17 year old daughter. I get sick every night wondering and thinking about both of them. I sometimes wonder how to survive in this world now.

HU-967674586, my heart breaks for you. It’s not natural for us mothers to be separated from our children. Though my son is grown now, has a son of his own and we have a relationship, it still hurts that I lost out on being a part of his last years in high school. I can never get those years back. But just now that these painful days, months and years aren’t forever. They will pass. You are stronger than you know. Take care of you, and find happiness where you can, like in good friends and close family.