Coping with the Estrangement of Adult Children

I don't think being kind is ever a bad idea. My Sis has been so mad at me twice that she wrote me a letter telling me she would never speak to me again. The first time the problem was another sis's interpretation of what she thought I said. I wrote my sis, she returned my letters, so finally I sent her a post card with a picture of a dove on it. Telling her I had not said what our sister said I said. No one can resist reading a postcard. LOL She called, we discussed it and made peace. The second time I called her one day and told her I am sorry we were having problems. Neither time did I say I was sorry for anything I said or had done. Because I was not wrong. I found out later her children intervened the second time and told her they understood why I could not do what she wanted me to do. We are now speaking and I don't think we will ever have another problem. Kindness took care of the problem, but it would not help with my son He is brain washed and controlled by his wife he has turned into a man I don't even know. My estrangement with my younger son was not a sudden thing, it happened over a 20 year time frame it was not as painful. It was my decision not my son's.

Regarding your situation, send an email every once in while if you want to, not to often. Don't get personal, just greetings and no overtures. You might mention things from the past, happy things, that will stir their memories. Most of what my boys talked about when they grew up was the good times they had as children, camping, skating, etc..

Your suggestion were very good. It is the nagging things that we think about all the time, that make us unhappy. Anything to take you mind off of it.

Thank you, stargazzer, for your response. The suggestion of sending occasional Emails is a good one. However, I have done that in the past and when I did not receive a response it was hurtful. I am travelling overseas this month to celebrate my father's 98th birthday with him. I am planning to take a nice photo of him, my husband and myself and send that picture as a postcard to my children, showing them what they are missing. Maybe that will rattle them into responding.

Among the annoying things that spammers do is to queer entire threads of otherwise-legitimate inquiry. I think they should be whipped, hung, impaled, drawn, quartered, shot, and burned - not necessarily in that order.

res1705,

Most of the coping strategies that you list above are just good activities to involve oneself in anyway. I think they will only add to your life and enjoyment and I think it will promote greater wellbeing. When you focus on that then it creates more happiness. I meet so many people who spend a lot of time focusing on how unhappy they are and they spread their misery to everyone around them. It's not good to ignore one's feelings and I'm not suggesting that, but one needs to recongize how they relate to others can also create a lot of unhappiness. Greater happiness in yourself is beneficial to self-esteem, which can only have positive benefits in your relationships with others.

You cannot control others. If you feel hurt that they do not respond to your emails, then maybe don't send them. Try an occasional update by regular mail and don't even bring up the subject of your feeling hurt or rejected by their lack of response. I don't know their circumstances and maybe they are in a period of their life where they feel a lot of stress or demands on them. Sometimes the needs of others often feel like another miserable demand and a burden. Needy, demanding people rarely see themselves that way or as selfish and controlling.

I send my mother letters and rarely call her. This is a coping mechanism for me. I do ask how she is doing, however she cannot monopolize the conversations talking all about herself and her problems overwhelming me with her complaints and issues and I'm not on the receiving end of her emotionally abusive behaviors and her taking her unhappiness out on me. This is how I've learned to cope with her. I wish the situation were different, but she is who she is and ignores my feelings. Writing her allows me to selectively provide her with tidbits of what is going on in my life. It also prevents her from ignoring boundaries, being intrusive or imposing on me. How she gets her needs met is destructive to me, although she cannot hear this or choses not too. Also, she can chose to read it, which is a form of listening and respond or she can ignore it and write back all about herself. This is how I keep her in my life, but from a safe distance and she cannot turn everything into all about herself and her needs and issues. It feels more balanced and healthy for me as well and I don't have to deal with her control issues.

I do not know what kind of relationship you have with your children or the reasons for the estrangement as each situation is unique. All I can offer is what I've learned to do in my situation. I focus on what helps me to feel content, because I am not responsible for other people and their choices or emotions.

Personally, I would skip sending them a postcard picture to manipulate an emotional response or as you said to "rattle" them into responding unless you are trying to impose guilt, which can backfire. Trying to manipulate people's emotions is never a good way to improve relationships, unless you want people to pretend or are merely trying to get your way, despite how others feel.

Good luck to you...I wish you the best and enjoy your trip.

I suffer from copd so getting out is impossible.My 3 oldest children honestly cut me from their lives and those of my grandchildren when I ran out of money and faced forcloser on my home.I never claimed to be the best mom,god knows I have made mistakes.I guess the thing that hurts the most is when my son and daughter call me just to say I am the reason the fail at one thing or another.It happened so often I put in a caller idea just to avoid the trashing they do to me.My saving grace in all of this is my grandson.He has lived with me is whole life,he is 18.he has turned out great.he graduates this year and will be going away for collage.I hate the thougt ofr being all alone again

I'm glad I found this page. I thought I was the only one with such an issue. I have 2 grown sons and they ignore me over and over when I ask for a hand. As son's of a single Mom.. one would think these boys, now grown men, would know Moms need a helping hand from time to time.

Every year I have to cut my own wood,and these guys know I'm get'n older (61 in Feb).. and should be ashmed that out of 365 days they can't seem to find anytime to help.. My oldest @33 is hosting the Christmas gathering this year and I really don't want to go.. but the grandfather(my father @88y/o)is willing to drive nearly 200 miles to attend his Christmas gathering which as always been at my parents home. My parents know how these guys treat me. I have told how I feel.. I just don't get it. How can my Dad ignore the way these guys have treated his daughter over the years and not say anything to them. I really don't want to go, my youngest son @26 has not spoken to me in weeks either.These guys are not married or do they have childern... Do I really need to subject myself to be around people who won't help and ignore what I once believe that "family is suppose to help one another"..

Here are some of the reasons why children stop staying in touch with their mother. If this isn't you then please disregard.....

A link that might be useful:

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

Flowermuse: Here is another link that may offer much insight into estrangement as well. Here is a link that might be useful: E-stranged

From your link:

"This year, my New Year's resolution is to care less.

Care less for people who care little for me. Care less for people who judge and condemn me for being the person I am. Care less for people who struggle so deeply with their own issues, that they have little or nothing to share with me. Certainly to care less for people who would demean, diminish, isolate and harm me.

I will not necessarily stop loving. I will stop investing. I will place my caring where it is meaningful and matters. I will place my caring with people who are capable of reciprocating in kind."

Sounds like a good New Years resolution for anyone/everyone!

That New Year's resolution is a great one!

There is a lot of information and links to a number of sites with discussion groups on family estrangement on the site, Estrangements, that I am linking here. It includes the link to the site that is mentioned above.

Here is a link that might be useful: Estrangements

Autumn you say why doesn't your Dad see how your kids and been treating you... You want him to pick sides that's not fair.. there are always two sides to every story their and your battle is not his. You can never ask a grandparent to condem someone because you don't like how they are treating you it isn't his battle its yours. My Mom knows how my son treats me but I am glad she is there for both of us. She doesn't have the problem with my son , i do. Yes he is treating me wrong and doing stupid things but why would i want my family to gang up on my children that's the last thing we need is a family war. Think about what you are asking of your father I am mad at them so you have to be too... Really? So you would be okay if you were making bad choices for your sons to try to get other family members to banish you as well? My point is when you have a problem with your children its the party's involved issue not extended family or outsiders. Not only does keeping the fighting and problems inbetween yourselves more easy to handle it shows you have enough respect to deal with the issues on your own.

About dreamgarden's link Re. mothers who are narcissists: I had a lightbulb moment while reading this.
Many of the characteristics mentioned in there are present in my son.
It is therefore also possible that adult children who distance themselves from their parents (not just their mothers) could be narcissists themselves!

I have been estranged from my twin children, a son and a daughter, twins, who are 37 years old. I always prided myself on being a great father. I was not the kind of man who worked overtime. I spent my time with my family. I was intimately involved in many of their school and extracurricular activities. The problem started to surface when my wife and I divorced 12 years ago. She told them a lot of lies about me and turned them against me telling them to choose between me and her. They chose her. It's a long complicated story that I won't go into now. But I'm having an especially hard week dealing with the loss of my two children and my three grandchildren, two of whom I've never even met. This is my first post and I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks.

It is a rude awakening when one is facing old age without a partner much less being abandoned by an adult child, Autumn. But considering the times, we as parents are being punished for trying to do too much for the kids, giving them things that we never had, and then letting the marriage fall apart in the process. The kids grow up spoiled and greedy, chosing to tolerate us only if we keep giving to them. Material possessions and gifts are the only love they can relate to.

I get a reality check everyday at work where I meet people from all walks of life who are experiencing unemployment, foreclosure, homelessness. Many are single parents trying to raise children in motel rooms and getting meals from food banks. Each has his/her own stories, but they appreciate the smallest act of kindness and respect. They are free to give you a hug or uplift your own spirits with quotes from the Holy Bible which sustain them through the hard times.

We don't need those who abandon us...we need those who are abandoned and looking for a hug.

"About dreamgarden's link Re. mothers who are narcissists: I had a lightbulb moment while reading this. Many of the characteristics mentioned in there are present in my son."

Where do you think your son picked up these characteristics?

Family or other person(s).

I am New to this web page. I happen to come acrossed it when I googled " how to deal with adult child who disowns you."

I have a Now 19 yrs old daughter that just said have a good life mom I am Done . ( I want all to know I did Nothing to this child to make her do this.)

My daughter was given everything she could ever want. From Cell phones , personal computers , money. She was ever in need of anything. As my husband calls it SPOILED ROTTEN. I never thought that. I just wanted my daughter to have the things I Never had. Looking back it might have been a mistake to just give and give.
About year ago my daughter at the time 18. had a big party in our house that we had been renting. We thought we had it all taken care of till few months later, after my mom had died from cancer. I get home to the landlord on my porch with a letter to cancel our lease. My daughter was having partys all the time when we where at work out side of the state. We provide a home , car , money and food for her the 3 days a week that I was Not there. We made sure that she has everything that she would need for the 3 days I would be out in the truck . and it back fired in our faces. when we got the notice I looked at my daughter and said you have to be joking me. She stands there and says Mom what does it matter your never here anyways. I was so hurt and agrey at her. OK so then it is look for something to rent. good luck on that one. I called on the only place that was for rent in the town we lived in . they wanted 3500.00 month , for a small 2 bedroom apartment. My husband and i couldnt afford that. So We are camping. this is in Aug. We have about month before it might get cold. So Sept we are still camping and I am looking for a place to rent. Oct we are still camping, No hopes of anything. we take the money we have been sitting on and got a 40 ft 5th wheel. at this time my daughter had moved in with her boyfriends family. She is still in High school and looking for a part time job. Oct 6th I get a text message. Mom I have to talk to you. I was working so I didnt reply to it. 20 mins later I get a text message Mom I am PREGO!!!! Yay!!!!! I didnt read the message cause I was working. at my 2nd job . when I went out for my break I look at the messages and about came though the phone on her. She isnt working, He dont have a job, and they are living off his family and what money we give her. O Joys is all I could think about. Who is going to support this. His family isnt making it and we are homeless. My husband and I make some time and go talk to his family. they are not happy about this baby thing at all. these kids have been together less then 4 mos. and they are going to have kids together. My husband and I understand this very well. Not ever a month later we are called cause our daughter cant stay at their house anymore. O great meaning she is moving in with us . Ok we will make it work. We have a teen that is pissed off at the world . boyfriend that dont want anything to do with her or the babies. Yes I said Babies "twins" Our daughter has a few trips in the ER. for one thing or other. 3 other night stays because she will not eat or drink anything. 3 fast trips to the city for a doctors appt. To she has to be put on blood thinners. At this time she has No health care . we are paying for all this out of pocket. One shot 38 bucks. total monthly charge 745.00. No big deal we will sell off everything. we have to make sure she is ok. I get her a baby-sitten job caring for 3 kids. making 25 a day. We pay for her gas to get to this job, with the understanding once she go paid she would have to provide her own gas. Well that never happened. She was fired for the job. for calling off to much. My husband and I bought more and more stuff for her. We had to buy all new clothes so she had something to wear. we bought 99% of the baby stuff , rented a house so she would have a place to have her babies come home too. she came out to the house with us . was not happy about it because it was to Far from town. To one day her boyfriend showed up and ever left. coming with his a very lg dog and he had No money to feed it or money to get into town for his part time job . my husband and I sat down with them and said ok. at this point daughter cant work. she is weeks from the babies coming . and you (boyfriend) Need to find a better job and start providing for yourself, and your babies. We will help you out but once you get a better job you will have to pay rent. Nothing is free in life. They agreed to the terms and said we can do that. To 5 days after the twins where born I am told by someone outside of the family that they are moving out because I am charging them 400 month and they have to think about the babies. Great wish they would have thought about this before Now , but would have been nice if they would have just called me and told me. No someone else has to call me and tell me this . I was very hurt over this hole thing. I have paid for everything and Now I am the bad person cause I wanted them to grow up and step up.
I packed my daughters stuff , down to all the baby stuff I have bought and put it in his broke down crappy pickup and had my other child take it to his mom and dads . where they where going to live for free.take in mind we had not charged them any money yet . for he still hadnt gotten a better job yet. To the same peoples house that asked my daughter 7 days before this for a DNA test. they Didnt believe the babies where their sons. To them getting my daughter a Horse for her birthday, 6 days after the babies where born. Given a child that just had babies and Has No job and her boyfriend is only working part time . question was who is going to feed the damn horse? Where are you putting this horse ? And answer Not us and Not on the land we rent. To his family calling the police because they thought we would keep the kids stuff. When that happened I was not happy and my husband about hit the roof. To our other child making sure that the boyfriend got to get down to the city to see his babies and my daughter in the NICU. to pay for everything . To my daughter coming back to the town we live in so she could sign paper work on a low income apartment I helped her file out the paper work on . to my daughter Not talking to me . My daughter called me and asked me Mom Did you take whats his faces bank card? Aww NO Never . why would I need his money . we make 4 times what he makes . and I wasnt in our town I was here and just bought my pickup. To my daughter still not talking to me . to me seeing something on facebook. Boy I miss my Girls. A comment from Mom , them time to go be with them. to when I call her 2 days before mothers day, I dont get a hello I get what do you want? OK would like to know if you want to go out ot lunch with me ? No Mom I dont . I dont want to talk to u. and some other words . I just left it at that . to 2 days later I am blocked off facebook and she tells her brother I dont want to talk to mom . I want Nothing to do with the F****in B.
My heart brakes over this. I love my daughter more then words can say. ever for all the drama she has started in our lifes . I would do anything for her. Other then at this point I know I have to let her faul on her own. I know that I have to let her make her mistakes in life. But We are talking their isnt just her and I anymore. there is 2 babies I will Not get to watch grow up. I know what it is . I know why my daughter is doing this and its not just her . Its the guy she is with. He is taking her away from her family. and I see something Noone else other then my sisters see. I hate this feeling. But at this point I dont know what to say to her. I know I have to let her come to me . tell then how to I deal with this ? this is my baby?
My husband tells me this is a point in our lifes we just need to let her do what ever. Not our problem anymore. OK so as a mother I am just s'pose to walk away? I am not s'pose to try to make this work out . so that I can be there for her and the babies. I just dont know how to coop with this . Any help anyone can give me would be wonderful. at this point all I want to do is cry over it . maybe cause its still very New.

OMG!

Your husband is 100% right. Stay away from her, she does not deserve you or your dh. Just because we birthed our children does not mean we have to stand by and take their abuse. Please, look for happiness in other places. Spend time with others who care for and about you. You can do it.Look for substitutes, relatives, friends etc.If you can find a cause that you support, give of yourself and find satisfaction there. You will never get blood from a rock. Best wishes and I will think of you and hope that your lives will turn around and you can recover with new found happiness.

I am a 43 year old man. My situation is reversed.
I am and have been estranged from my mother for the last 6 years. I really find it hard to believe that many parents that have commented on here truly have no idea what caused the rift in the relationship. I have tried to smooth over the situation with my mother. At one point I drove 3 hrs to visit with my mom and I was verbally and physically assaulted upon my arrival. My mother proceeded to inform me that "she should have aborted me like she wanted to long ago." After the verbal assault came the physical assault. In not wanting to have a physical fight with my mom, I left the house. I have never gone back and I will never go back. My mother was abusive to me, my son (who was 8) at the time, my father until his death, and my brother. She filed harassment charges against my brother several years ago. My uncle who attended the court hearing informed me that the judge instructed her to stay away from my brother as she seemed to be the one causing the drama and issues. (NO KIDDING)!!!! She immediately claimed the victim role in the situation to everyone that would bother to listen. I really doubt many of you "estranged parents" truly have no idea as to what the cause was for the conflict. I later discovered, after several counseling sessions and a ton of research, that my mom has most likely been suffering from a personality disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder) for many many years. Stop and think parents. Do you really not know or is this just a game you are playing with yourself? Im sure there are all kinds of cases where the kid treats the parent like crap. My case is completely the opposite.

This has been extremely helpful! thank you all for posting.
I am in the same shoes. Disowned by my own abusive mother FEW TIMES!! When 1-3 years later (on different times) she realized that she gained nothing from it, but lost power of Destructive Narcissist, she came back, denied everything, acted like nothing and tried to act AS a VICTIM!! I am not amused by her, btw. This is getting too old.
Orange1024, you are not alone!
there is an army of us - Victims of crazy ladies who were granted to be our mothers, while they should be in mental institutions.
Just a word of hope, - once you put all 2 and 2 together, and got help to sort things out, to name the beast, to see the way out - you are free! While the narcissist (mother or adult kid, doesn't matter) is trapped with her/his own problems. And that is a sad part of the story.

I also wanted to say that my own grown up kids are not well connected, and it is likely due to their exposure to dysfunctional connection between my mother and me (alone with problems between her and others - no one is good enough for narcissist). And may be my life-long depression could be result of my own poor parenting.. Possibly. Go figure.

With my daughter it has gotten worse . Nothing has changed with her. She has added some more BS . The New one is that I made her look bad at the hosp when she had her babies. I was there for everything . I have paid for everything and I am the bad person. I told my daughter I cant changer her Mind about me . but one day she is going to miss Me and want to be around me and I might Not be here. She Just said Whatever Mom and hung up the phone on me . At this point I am letting her fall on her face. I am Not taking her anger to heart . I am not going to play into her drama. I am Not going to cry myself to sleep over this anymore. I have other things in my life that make me happy and I just have to go forward and if that means that my daughter isnt part of it O' well.

I am glad i found this, this is so sad that there are no words for it. I saw this happen years ago and it broke my heart. Now it has happened to me and i really don't have any explantion for it. I have two daughters. older.One had two children a boy and girl that she left with the father who was a drug addict, to say the least they both grew up the same and i have only been with them as a baby. The other daughter married a drug addict and divorced after 17 yrs. It is a longer story then i would like, but the truth is we just don't like each other. They betrayed me, they blame me for all there decisions even at 45 yrs and 43 yrs. I didn't see the oldest for years and i contacted her and she came to visit. It was ok, the youngest i spent two weeks with taking care of her after surgery and she treated me like a dog, they have very little concern about me. I raised them, i taught them to ride horses, be in girl scouts, cheer leading, softball, we lived in the country they had there own horses and car. They had chores which one of the complaints is they had to clean up after there horses! I wish i had a horse growing up. I ask myself why both. There is something wrong , i have seen this also in friends older with adult children but they go along with it because it is there only family. I can't. If anyone has any opinions or anything please let me know, because i just don't know anymore.

flgirl,
I feel for you . I have been there. I know the feeling. but something that helped me is that I 1st cryed my self to sleep, then I was mad then I said "SO BE IT".

I find that most kids find it so much easier to blame loved ones then blame themself for their own problems .

If you really care, if you really want to help, do not dismiss her when she helps you understand the problem, use it to figure out what you are doing and stop.

"She has added some more BS . The New one is that I made her look bad at the hosp when she had her babies."

It seems you have no respect for her or what she was trying to say. What was she talking about? Why don't you care?

Interesting stuff posted here. I can't imagine not talking to my parents. Even though my mother is crazy -- I still love her and still talk to her. Even though I can't believe some of the things she says and does I would never NOT communicate or talk with her.

My husband on the other hand has some adult children that don't talk to him (we have 12 kids between the two of us). The adult kids that do talk to him talk highly of him and don't understand why their siblings won't at least talk to him.

None of the kid's talk to their biological mother because no one knows where she is....she abandoned the whole family when they were young.

But my husband can't figure out why some (3 of them) won't talk to him. One has gone so far to send nasty hate email (sent of course only to us). Now, granted he made mistakes, who hasn't but we are talking about a very loving person whom the other 9 kids have no issue with.

And he is hurt by it. Mostly because he doesn't understand why and they've never given anyone a reason (not even their siblings).

I never could understand those three. The two just don't respond, don't call on holidays, etc. Though they will at least say hi at family functions. The other actually avoids family functions if we will be there. The odd thing is with that one it hasn't been consistent. There have been times when they spent a lot of time with us...then all the sudden they avoid and won't talk to you for years...then pop back into your life. The siblings report them doing this to them also.

I find the behavior very odd.
I realize that parents can be hard to deal with...but seriously is it that big of a deal to send a polite email, make a phone call, or just plain send a card once in a while????

Hi, I'm new to this forum but am so thankful to have an outlet. My son moved to Germany when he was 18 insisting he loved a girl he knew for years. We had a terrible time with his (now deceased) dad while he was growing up and I saw a rage below the surface in my son that scared me. I had devoted my life to raising him and giving him any opportunities and support even while coping with his dad's alcohol abuse and mental illness and being a single parent. I felt that if I wanted a relationship with my son long term I should be supportive of what he wanted to do with his life. He married my DIL who has her own issues. After four years the communication was so totally one-sided that after Christmas I finally let him have it. Long story about how cruel he's been over the last few years but now he tells me not only am I not to call or visit I am not to contact him at all. It's really like dealing with a death, hard to explain till you've had it happen. I also am so sad to see how many good parents have this happen but appreciate all of you sharing. It is so healing to know I'm not alone.

I'm now doing much better thanks to caring friends and a wonderful life partner and God! I have some contacts where my son lives and they are very kind, send me photos of him and let me know how he's doing. But they do not interfere by telling him to talk to me nor do they reveal anything he wants confidential. So I feel very blessed. One of my friends said to me, "I had to give my adult child the right to be an adult and decide how he/she felt about me, even if it was not what was in my best interest." She had to give him the right to hate her if that's how he felt. I know this doesn't help the pain. I still sob if something triggers a memory of being with my son or missing him, but at least I know he's alive and safe. My heart breaks for parents who lose children to death, so I have to be thankful that's not my situation. I think a lot of my pain has come from not being given the opportunity to sit down and talk about what's wrong, not being told at all even though I'm told I wasn't (I'm not) a bad parent. But what this has forced me to do (not that I would choose it) is focus on my life only, not see myself as a part of others. Codependency has been a huge issue in my life and maybe I was projecting this onto my son without seeing it. I don't think I was asking for too much, that we maintain a relationship and communicate. He's using anything I do right now to justify the way he's cut me off. I get little or no chance to be heard and till last month, I was only allowed to email. Now I'm told not to do anything, not even that. I didn't get answers half the time unless it was about money or his bank account here. Anyway, I'm determined that I will not put my life on the back burner just because someone, anyone in my life, sees me as not worthy of their time or love. I will no longer be victimized by anyone like that. But I still miss him every day I wake up.

tripledee,

I am glad that you have support and there are people out that that can help you with your time of need. I pray your child comes back into your loving arms and everything works out.

I opened up with my newly married son about the treatment from him, his bride and her family. On one occasion there was even an assault. WHO NEEDS THAT??

He holds me responsible - but he loves money and her father has it. So, out with the old and in with the new.

Spending time with people who truly loved/supported me helped a great deal. So did learning some new things: kayaking down a river, ice skating lessons, bike paths, etc One year flowed into the next.
I didn't have to see HER sit there with a disgusted look on her face watching the clock! It's been heaven.

The sun shines just as warmly WITHOUT all that drama. I have my memories and my near and dears close to me.

It was the most painful in my life - but getting angry helped me. I dealt with it by removing him. He is now dead to me. (You would not believe the mean those two dished out)

I just didn't have the money he craved - so I was eliminated in his life and I AM HAPPY ABOUT IT!! I was to be the free nanny of their brood. I said NO and got flack for that, as well. (They weren't even expecting at the time I was informed what role I played in their life)

Good luck to all. Sometimes you might just have to let go.

Prayer helped as well. :)

Thank you all for posting. I stayed up late last night reading all the posts here and others. I know how my mother felt now after years of being ignored, mistreated, and belittled by my youngest sister. Sad but sis would call asking for and accepting money from mom. Sisters and I are all in our 50's and on our own, married or otherwise.
I tried posting earlier with the story but I was knocked off twice. This youngest sister blamed mom for everything in her life; being overweight, no man, car accidents, etc. We all had the same mom and dad. We were poor, had chores, but we had food and always a good Christmas.
flgirl407 I would have gladly cleaned stalls, groomed, feed and whatever else needed to be done to have a horse. Actually I worked at a stables for free just so I would ride for an hour or two a week.
Mom died two years ago. This sis only wanted to know what she was getting. But cried to anyone who would listen, "my mother died." Oh boowoo, everyone is on to her. She was able to access mom's accounts and drain thousands before I could call banks and stop this. Gee, sis got angry with me.
But again thank you for sharing your pain and disappointments.
Mom, sorry you were hurt.

My son has broken my heart. He is involved with a woman that I have tried to welcome into our family. Only to find out that their wedding was a fake cerimony and this is after he has lied to both sides of his family and taking gifts from his elderly grandparents. When I wanted to talk to him and tell him how we as his parents felt about it he shut us out of his life. He has not spoken to us in months. She sent me a text message and told me Good Riddance among some other nasty things.. I am heart broken over him not standing up and being the man I raised him to be.. He has lied to his whole family. And then when he was caught in his lie he just walks away. Yesterday was his Birthday and I am missing him so much my heart hurts. I have not reached out to him. I can not take anymore rejection.
Does it ever get easier?

None of this gets easier.. My sons father took our don from me when he was 3. It has been a nightmare eversince. I was given every other weekend and a couple of days during the weeks. I could not take those days due to working etc. To make a long story short my sons dad and step-mom always made me out to be the bad guy. A couple of years ago our son got in trouble with the law. He wasn't getting along with his father and asked if he could live with us. I was so happy and could not believe what I was hearing. Come to find out his dad wanted us to come and live with us to straighten him up because they feel that our means aren't up to par and we don't have enough money. My son totally took advantage of us while he lived there. I gave him a free phone, a vehicle to use for work, and free food, etc This all ended with him getting the police called on him because he was verbally threatening me. I am trying to get a relationship back with him but he will have nothing to do with me. I have no answers. He tells me I am a waste of human flesh. Where do I go from here? He has a 13 year old brother that wants to have a relationship with him. How do I begin to explain???

Suzenures13,
I am so sorry for the things that you have had to deal with. To me it sounds like bio father Made a Monster. And Now Needs to step up and deal with what he made. I understand your pain and the wanting to fix things. But Honey It might never be fixed. For your one son to call you nasty names Is not right and should have never happen. for the child that would like to Now other one you need to let them know its not their fault. And if other child wants to know brother make sure there is someone there when they are together . If that is what you want. You have to keep the one save at all cost and I am sure that you dont need to heartache yourself. I have been there . My daughter still to this day will not talk to me. I am still Not allowed to see my grandbabies . One time she does call is when she is after money. She has said some Rotten things about me But you now I am Not to worried about it . One day she will come around and one day she will open her Eyes. And if she does not then Its OK I have other children that I can spoil with my love.
Keep your head High and know that it does Suck but we are alot stronger then the other people in our lifes or Not in our lifes give a credit for.

Well Well Well... I have not heard from my son since December and today there is a message on my phone from Rent a Center... He and his woman used me as a credit reference. Really???? I am not interested in helping him with financial matters.. I am not some puppet to be use for money. I am so tired of him taking the fact that I love him more than air and using it against me. I do not want to become bitter or angry. When you tell me to fall of the planet.. Well that is what I have done. I am sad that he chooses not to be a part of my life, but I have to remember that was his choice to make and now that he has. He has to live with it... Got me some tough love going on over here... Stay strong my friends stay strong.

Well Well Well have not heard from my son since Dec and today he has used me as a credit reference. Really??? I am not a puppet on a string. He asked me to go away and leave him alone well be careful what you ask for. I am not interested in emotional blackmail.. Thank you but NO! I got me some tough love going on here... Stay strong my friends stay strong!

Wow, that took some nerve...good on you for knocking it back.

colleenoz thanks I am just so tired of that boy child thinking that he can behave any ole way he wants and treating people like garbage and then when he wants or needs something He can run back to Mom... I do not want to be mean or vengeful. but in the words of my husband "If the boy wants to fly solo, well let him fly solo" to every action there is a reaction ..consequences for sure...

Colleenoz
Thank you for your support. I do not want to be mean or vengeful to the child (who thinks he is a man) but to every action there is a reaction... Consequences...

Now my son has decided that he no longer wants to speak with his sister. This has hurt her deeply. I told her that I am so sorry. I cannot get in the middle just as I did not put her in the middle.

The boy has completely isolated himself from all who truly care for him. When this lie of a romance falls apart. he will be all alone. that worries me. I also know that he does not get to treat us all like nothing and less than trash and then come right back here to do it again and again. I say Enough!

My husband says this may not even be coming from him, but from his "woman" I say who cares. He is not stopping it either.

I still miss him I still love him. I just do not like him and I am ashamed of him. and disappointed is not a strong enough word.

I know one day he will also feel the loss, but for now it is mine to carry.. Stay strong my friends stay strong.

Emotional blackmail is no way to live your life

Dear Missmyson221,
I know how you feel. One I am living it with our oldest daughter. But let me tell you something. One day your son will come back to you and your family. give him time to see what this woman is doing. It might be tomorrow it might be 10 yrs from now. But as I am sure you know there is nothing you can do to change what he is doing or what she is doing. We have to let them fall on their faces and when its time to step back in they will come to you with open arms. have faith this will happen.

We as mom's love our children no matter what they might do or not do in their lifes but we also have to learn to let them fall. If not we will be sad and very lonely. Take the time that you have to enjoy your dear husband and other children. Because as time go's on your son will step up and maybe with time and faith will tell this woman not to be a Witch.
I had to just say ok with everything that my daughter has done to us. we know it has nothing to do with how we raised her. it has to do with the person that she is with. Only time we hear from my daughter is when she wants money. and if we dont give it to her she tells lies about us. Heck my daughter has went as far and telling her auntie that has cancer that she is not allowed to talk to her anymore. my daughter has pushed all the family she has away and 99.9% of it is because of who she is with. and one day we hope that she will get over it and kick him to the curb. but till them we have to move on with our lifes and Just deal with the fact she and our grandbabies are not part of todays life.

I do hope that everything works out for you and your family and soon that your son comes back into your waiting arms. But till then have faith and be strong for the other people in your family. They need their mom to be happy and have a smile on her face.
In my thoughts
~Lady~

WOW! I am so glad to have found this site. It's good to know that I am not alone. My situation is like many of yours and after reading many of the blogs, my inclination is to walk away and get on with the rest of my life ( what's left, I am 79). I am not sure if I even love this kid anymore.She cannot even tell me what the problem is. Maybe just a clash, don't know. I wish her well, but don't think at this point can ever get back. And one note to the person who wrote and said her sister drained all of the money from her Mother's account. I am going to now change all accounts, will and everything else that pertains to this daughter so that she will no longer be a beneficiary of anything I have. Sound harsh? I have plenty of love to spread around for those that deserve it. Thanks to you all for your stories.

Mountain Lady...
Thank you for your words of encouragement.. I think finding this site has added strength and courage to me to stay strong. I do not want to rush in as his mommy and fix it for him this time.

I have heard now that he is no longer speaking to any of his friends either. This boy has given up all control over his life for what he believes is love.. Love does not control.

I have also heard that there is verbal abuse on her part to him she calls him fat and stupid all the time.. He is neither. Rumor has it she is also cheating on him with other men. He is not Mr. Right he is just mister here till mister something better comes along. I wish that man would hurry up.:)

I have let him go but I am not sitting here waiting for the fall. I do know it will eventually come. He will also have to live with that too. I will not say he and I are broken beyond repair...But there will need to be some major work doneby him if he ever decides he wants to be part of this family again.

Trust is a gift I once gave him and he misused it...Now it will have to be earned.

As for the woman he is with there is no room in my life for people like that and I do not play with crazy. This woman sued her own mother and I will be damned if I am ever going to be in that situation. She is not now nor will she ever be welcomed into my home again. I also do not see me changing my opinion of her. I will not be a victim and I am a grown woman no one is going to treat me like dirt anymore, least of all in my own home. They do not have children together and for that I am so thankful but my theory is you can not miss what you do not know.I do not see children showing up changing our relationship.( not sure I would believe they belonged to my son anyway)

My son will someday remember the mother I was to him all the silly fun family times spent together and he will know that I truly love him with all that I am...

I taught him when he was young and got in trouble he told me sorry and wanted to just go play. I told him no and he said " but I said sorry" I said I am sorry too but you can not go play, sometimes sorry is just not enough. He knows that I am serious and when I say something that is what I mean. I just hope that when his bubble burst he will remember that I love him and he is still and always will be my son. I was his mother before she came along and I will be his mother when she is gone... I however will never be his mommy again and I am out of the repair business.

Missmyson,
I do understand. I can hope for you and your family that things come around soon. But yes trust is going to be a big thing.

Just be strong and know that one day things will work out!

Mother's Day Has me sad. This will be the first without my son. I just want to leave my house and my phone behind for the day and be alone.. I was just not prepared for the hurt to come bursting back all fresh and new... All because of some Hallmark holiday. Really??? I should be stronger than this. Sitting around sinking deeper into a sadness that I can not explain.. Just miss my son..

Mother's Day Has me sad. This will be the first without my son. I just want to leave my house and my phone behind for the day and be alone.. I was just not prepared for the hurt to come bursting back all fresh and new... All because of some Hallmark holiday. Really??? I should be stronger than this. Sitting around sinking deeper into a sadness that I can not explain.. Just miss my son..

Estrangement from my sons, is the best thing that ever happened to me. That's very sad I know....by being estranged my life is not a constant roller coaster ride. I am happy and at peace with it all. I know there won't be anymore calls from a drunk or someone who only wants my money.

I posted on another subject of this. I'm new to being estranged by my 31 yr old daughter. And also my 4 yr old "innocent" grand daughter. It's been a few years of ups and downs. She's threatened to leave me before, now I'm afraid she has. It's now been almost a month since we've spoken. But, really longer than that, because the last time we had a decent conversation was in March.

I pray for all of you. Maybe what Emma has said above is true. For many of these last years I've been criticized and talked down to by her. If this is how the rest of my life is to be with her, and always worried of saying the wrong thing, then maybe it's better to forget about her. But, when I think of doing that it hurts. It hurts so deep in my stomach that I almost can feel it.

I just do not understand how a child that was loved, and given all she ever wanted and how all of your children can treat a Mother so horrible. In time perhaps they will understand our pain when their own children hurt them. But, I don't want to wait for that justice. I want my best friend and daughter back. And she's drifted so far away I'm afraid we'll never be able to mend. Now I have to move on, get this hurt to go away, live and feel as if I have a purpose here on this earth. And my faith has left me, and I know that's bad. What have any of us done to deserve this?

Tisweet, we have done nothing to deserve this, it is not our fault. It is the luck of the draw or in the genes if you prefer. You would be surprised at how many children turn out this way. I always tell people about my children and was chastised by my husband. I told him it helps me and I discover that there are many more like me out there. I have a neighbor who has 5 kids and I asked her how many of those 5 made her smile when you open the door and finds one there. She thought about it for a moment and said 2. They were all raised by the same parents and did their best.

My mother gave me some advice that has helped me when I am have problems. She said: "you are thinking about the sad things, think about the good things in your life". I have applied it to my daily life and it works. It is about redirecting your thoughts.

Tissweet. I will not tell you it gets easier because I have not found that to be true. someone told me I have to respect his decision. I said I do not have to respect it I just have to learn to live with it. Slowly that is what has happened. I have days where I ache for him. I also know that I miss the little boy he once was. He is not that little boy now and I can not base a relationship with him on the fact that the only way it works is if I bend over backwards and give him everything he wants... that is not a relationship to begin with. Hold on to who you are as a person and know that you are not alone in this! Stay strong!

Missmyson, I also miss the sweet little boys I had. I don't know the men they turned into. My Sis told me one time, "you were the best Mom I have ever known, what happened to those sweet little boys?" I told her the oldest is just like our Dad, neither wanted to work and take care of their family. The younger one is just like his Dad, a hard worker but easily controlled by his wife.

EmmaR
I am getting lots of advice from mothers who are not living this.. They all think that one quick phone call from me will fix everything. I just can not bring myself to make that call I am not sure if I am afraid of more rejection; Maybe? I just know that until he can see that what he did is unacceptable I am not sure I want a relationship with a liar who wants to use people and mistreat the ones who love him the most. I do not know that I can do that. I have been told that I was a good mother. I would like to believe that I was. I know I have made mistakes but I know I did the best that I could and that is all anyone can ask. I see he has made some choices I can not support or even live with. That woman he is with is not now nor never will be welcome in my home. Anyone who sues her own mother is not coming here! I think what I am struggling with the most right now is knowing that I am ashamed of him and I can find no redeeming qualities in him right now. I do not want anyone to know how he has behaved. I refuse to cover for his lies and will not be a party to how he has chosen to live.

I am just so ashamed of him.

Well things have not changed with my daughter. I really thought it would. But I was wrong. Now I find out that she is moving out of area. My husband tells me that I need to let her live her life and do as she wishes. because nothing will change with till she wants to change them for herself.

Mountain Lady... I am sorry that your daughter is moving away.
I also keep hoping that things will change. I tell myself it takes time. I just wonder how much time? I am really just tired of hurting all the time. And then I just tell myself that this hurt is not nearly as bad as having to watch my son suffer at the hands of an abusive manipulating woman...

I know that all of our children know deep in them the TRUTH! and I hope one day somehow someway they will realize that we love them and were hurt by them. I know I have also hurt my son by telling him the truth about a woman when he did not want to hear it... I just hope that in the back of his mind my words linger and he will wake up one day and know that he deserves to be loved and that he is a good person deep inside. And then I hope he is man enough to correct his lies and repair his own world.

We as mothers just have to hold to our principles and know that it is like dealing with a toddler no matter how cute that they are we still have to teach them consequences.

Know that you are in my thoughts at this rough time... Stay true to you!!

Mountain Lady... I am sorry that your daughter is moving away.
I also keep hoping that things will change. I tell myself it takes time. I just wonder how much time? I am really just tired of hurting all the time. And then I just tell myself that this hurt is not nearly as bad as having to watch my son suffer at the hands of an abusive manipulating woman...

I know that all of our children know deep in them the TRUTH! and I hope one day somehow someway they will realize that we love them and were hurt by them. I know I have also hurt my son by telling him the truth about a woman when he did not want to hear it... I just hope that in the back of his mind my words linger and he will wake up one day and know that he deserves to be loved and that he is a good person deep inside. And then I hope he is man enough to correct his lies and repair his own world.

We as mothers just have to hold to our principles and know that it is like dealing with a toddler no matter how cute that they are we still have to teach them consequences.

Know that you are in my thoughts at this rough time... Stay true to you!!

Missing my son,
Thank you... I know that things one day will turn around I can hope anyways....

Wow. I am so happy to find this forum. I was feeling alone, embarrassed, sad, angry and ashamed. I have two daughters, they are in their 20's and have cut me out as well. I have guilt due to issues we have been through and yes I have made mistakes, but what mother hasn't. I found that with my guilt I was allowing them to come into my life whenever they needed something, I was there to buy their love and attention and once that day was done, I wouldn't hear from them again until they ran into another jam. After 6 years of unanswered emails, texts, VM's, I have stopped. There comes a time when you have to stop. The lack of response after so many years become heart wrenching. I fill my time with my dogs(3), my husband who loves me for who I am, and helping out in my community. I love to make people smile and I am learning to love me for who I am today as well. I also learned that I deserve better. Self love has so many benefits. I love my daughters and always will. I hope someday we will have relationships, my daughters and I, and I pray for them every day for their happiness, health and safety. But for today as I am growing older I have to let go and let god. I pray for all of you that you too find peace of mind. Thank you for this wonderful forum:)

I have no one in my life, my choice, but still I have found peace. You have to think positive and redirect your thoughts when you think about what you have lost and I am very good at that. All I have to is go on a nature walk, read a good book, watch a good movie and listen to music. I think easy listening music is therapy for the soul, especially Slim Whitman.

I was give the best News a mother with a Estrangement for her child could ever been given. My daughter was planning on moving out of state. That was the plan anyways. They had been looking at house's. I thought they where looking for rentals O wow I was so wrong. No they where looking to buy something. Thankfully they do not have credit to do that, and didn't have the 20% the bank was asking for. Plus her boyfriend hasn't been working at the same job for more then 2 yrs. woot woot joys on my part. Ok I know this sounds back but I was thinking if they moved out of area I would never be able to work out our problems.

My daughter called me the other day Not at 1st to ask me for anything, but to tell me that she had moved into a bigger place. She asked if dad and I would stop by some time because she would like to talk to us.

So 2 days ago husband was home and we had bills to buy so we happen to be in town. we stopped in at my daughters her boyfriend was there Husband I sit down on the sofa and he of all people ask me if I would co-sign on a house for them???? lol Really ok... My husband rubbed his head and looked right and my daughter and said WHAT?

So daughter laid down what they are trying to do. They want to love to Idaho and live by her real fathers family and buy a house. she tells us well He (bf) has a job if we can do this. Husband said ok doing what? amount of pay? and how much is this house?

(BF) said well pay is min wage, house is 105k. Husband about falls off the sofa. I looked at my daughter like really you have to be joking me. Then my husband asked them so what do u have saved? Both say nothing.... husband laughs and said sorry we can not help with this. you will have to find other way to buy this house .

So in the long run my daughter is not moving out of state and maybe we can start to work on our problems. We will see.

Your husband was wise. If someone's credit isn't good enough to qualify for a loan, why should you take the risk? If your daughter and SIL quit making payments, you'd be left holding the bag.

Hopefully things work out with your daughter and she'll come to appreciate you for more than an open checkbook. Right now the best gift you and your husband can give them is a lesson in financial responsibility.

well today out of the blue my phone rings, its my daughter. this time it was not mom I need money or mom I need this. My daughter called to tell me she loves me and misses me. we didn't talk about the place in Idaho. we talked normal every day things. it was nice.

I am sure it was nice, but what caused the change. Usually when a parent says no it does not cause this kind of reaction.

I am not going to read into anything that she does right now other then look at this as she is trying to be there. and she wants to be part of our lives.

I think a lot of her change of heart is that his family no longer live in the area we live. And I think that she is nesting and she is wanting to be around in my life. My health is not the best and she has heard this from my sister in law. I also think that she is growing up some. and that is a good thing. e will pay this by ear and see how it goes.

Good for you ML. It is always best to think positive. It's just my experience is not positive where my children are concerned, but I have seen situations where young people make a complete turn around. I hope that is in your future with your daughter.

What I like about this forum is that parents have decided to accept that their kids are jackasses. Lot of other sites advise you to keep trying after months, years of rejection. My wimpy son and his evil wife have put me through hell the past number of months - she's accused me of everything, even of treating my son like his partner (she's jealous and sees me as his ex, not his mother), but I would respond to her vitriol by saying, "oh honey, I'll do better, I love you so much".. Then my son tells me that I must honor and respect her, or it's a deal breaker. All I had said was, "please stop", because she was on a tirade of criticizing everything I've ever done, every move I've made and lying incessantly about all of it. What every happened to honouring and respecting the mom who gave you everything, the mom, until the witch came along, who said daily that I was the best mom in the world. My response to my son this last time was, "I've had enough of the abuse, I'm done". And I feel better. Abuse is abuse and we should never accept it. I have never let anyone bully my son when he was growing up, yet he and his wife have been bullying me...so it's over. I will go where I'm celebrated, not where I'm barely tolerated. And I agree with the poster who said something like it's a relief not to have to look at their miserable eye rolling faces anymore..we deserve better...oh the one complaint my son now says he has about me, is that I smothered him..that I gave him too much! Take the s off smothered and what do you have - mothered..imagine, I'm accused of acting like a mother...spoiling him rotten was my only crime and I wish I could turn back time, and lay it square on his ass. But we're supposed to love them through it all..this is one mom that isn't feeling too much love right about now!

What I like about this forum is that parents have decided to accept that their kids are jackasses. Lot of other sites advise you to keep trying after months, years of rejection. My wimpy son and his evil wife have put me through hell the past number of months - she's accused me of everything, even of treating my son like his partner (she's jealous and sees me as his ex, not his mother), but I would respond to her vitriol by saying, "oh honey, I'll do better, I love you so much".. Then my son tells me that I must honor and respect her, or it's a deal breaker. All I had said was, "please stop", because she was on a tirade of criticizing everything I've ever done, every move I've made and lying incessantly about all of it. What every happened to honouring and respecting the mom who gave you everything, the mom who, until the witch came along, you said was the best mom in the world. My response to my son this last time was, "I've had enough of the abuse, I'm done". And I feel better. Abuse is abuse and we should never accept it. I have never let anyone bully my son when he was growing up, yet he and his wife have been bullying me...so it's over. I will go where I'm celebrated, not where I'm barely tolerated. And I agree with the poster who said something like, it's a relief not to have to look at their miserable eye rolling faces anymore..we deserve better...oh the one complaint my son says he had about me, is that I smothered him, that I gave him too much! Take the s off smothered and what do you have - mothered..imagine, I'm accused of acting like a mother...spoiling him rotten was my only crime and I wish I could turn back time, and lay it square on his ass. But we're supposed to love them through it all..this is one mom who isn't feeling too much love right about now!

2 days ago my daughter called me again. Again it was not mom I need or mom I want. It was to see how things where going with me. My husband thinks that because his family has moved out of the area is only reason that she is calling. I am not sure. And I am doing my best not to read anything into what she is up too.

My Other daughter told me that her sister called her for the 1st time in close to a year. Not to ask her for money or ask her to do something for her. But to just talk. I had to ask her what they talked about because that was not normal at all. My girls have been Fighting for years over Dumb things.

So maybe something Good will come out of all this.... I can only hope.....

Serenity It sounded like you were writing my history with my sons, except I never confronted them with my feelings, I just stopped the communication. Ever so often one would call for money, the other just to visit while he was drunk and used the F word in almost every sentence. It is sad that I came from a large family, was a good wife and mother and now I am alone, but the peace is worth it and I know how to handle my loneliness on the rare occasion when I get down.

Good evening,
I have one son and he talks and then he doesn't talk. I haven't had it as bad as some of you on this forum but it is painful to go through the crap our kids do to us. It has cost me some money and heartache. My opinion I did too much for him so he expects it. He is 38 years old and has been separated from his wife. They have been together since 13.
He said he was coming home for awhile and I told him that was fine but they are rules. He lives two and half hours away. He said he needed a uhaul. I reserved the uhaul but thought I want to see him in person to make sure he doesn't change my mind. Well my husband and I waited for two hours and finally he calls and is yelling where are you. I couldn't believe it. Met him at storage place and was going to tell him that he can't be yelling like that where I live. Didn't get a chance. He says I don't want to hear you and goes on this big spill about all the bad luck he was having. I thought to myself this isn't going to work out. Then finally he tells me where is the uhaul and I told him I wanted to make sure he was coming. You don't trust me? No I don't. You have to earn trust. He got so mad and don't me to get the h....out of there . I am not going with you until you call me and say you trust me. I am not going to do that. He has done many things in the last 3 years. Well he said he is never going to talk to me again. Not much I can do. Got in the car and told my husband this is the way it is.
It makes me have chest pains and I am sure he could careless, so I understand Emma. I plan on leaving this alone and if he wants to contact me he will.
I am sorry for all the pain everyone has gone through. If we don't let go, it is going to kill us.

Good for you Linda. Life is hard to understand sometimes. Neither of my sons disrespected me when they lived at home, changed completely when they married. I don't even know them anymore.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Sun, Jul 7, 13 at 23:29

Mountain Lady
Good for you and your daughter.. Please take it slow and do not let your love rush you. I am so pleased for you and I hope that all works out well for you... Did you get to see the grandbabies? Stay strong and know that we are all rooting for you!

Serenitynot
I will be the first to tell you my son is the KING of all Jackasses! I too gave my son to much. I think now he is choosing to use that as entitlement for more... No thanks. It has been 7 months and still no word either way. I am finding I like the peace of no Drama from him and his woman.

Linda
Never take abuse from anyone. Why is he making you the bad cop when all you are willing to do to help him? Stop helping.. Good for you Lady!!!

I am glad to have found a place with women who know my pain who really know! I have friends and family who say I know how you feel and my response is always the same.. no you do not and I pray that you never do... So to all the women who truly do know... Stay strong and know that you are not alone!!!!

I am now coming to realise that I cannot have a relationship with my adult daughter. She is hurtful and verbally abusive. She is in her 30's, never married and has a teenage son.

She often suffers depression and does not have it treated. Her longest relationship lasted 3 years. She doesn't keep friends long either as she perceives some slight and banishes them.

She has perceived a slight from me and I am currently banished, though not sure I ever want to be unbanished after many years of this treatment.

Having a rough time here today! I found out that my son has finally texted his sister. He was hurt on the job and at least he reached out to someone. and I also hear he has talked to his Grandmother. I am happy for them but I am so sad that still he will not speak to me. I am so tempted to just call him. I will not, but I am tempted. I also see that his best friend who was like another son to me has defriended me on FB. another sign that my Son thinks I am awful.. Just a tad bit down and I am fighting that Mommy thing to rush in and fix things... Trying to stay strong just really wanting my child back....

It's bad enough we have problems in real life, but people post in a place where They can be bashed and hurt online with everyone you know watching. I would shut that down so fast. I don't understand that at all. No wonder people don't have good relationships anymore. We need face to face communications, not that junk.

O' believe me I am taking it very slow almost like baby steps. She did call me yesterday and again it was not for money or mom I need this. She didn't call me to yell at me or anything else.

yes I have seen the babies and they are just too cute. Very little but so where my kids. (twin watching TV in their room)

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O' believe me I am taking it very slow almost like baby steps. She did call me yesterday and again it was not for money or mom I need this. She didn't call me to yell at me or anything else.

yes I have seen the babies and they are just too cute. Very little but so where my kids. (twin watching TV in their room)

H i, I just signed up here. I am looking for advice. I had to move away from my 3 kids 2 years ago to be near a specalist in my disease (I am dieing) in that time only 2 came to visit. Me once a little a year and a half ago. I visit them when my health permits maybe every 8 weeks, My married daughter lives in my house, pays no rent, yet complains about me coming to visit, my son wants nothing to do with me he lives with his father and grand father. ( my ex has been sleeping on their couch for 14 years and has not worked in 13.5 he quit the day the divorce became final to avoid child support) I have given my three kids everything, worked 2full time jobs and ran a smallinternet busness on the side to put them through college. Now everything is my fault. Now I am dieing have maybe a year. Can't work can't pay both house payments so my daughter will be out of that house soon. What I want to know is, what have I done wrong, why won't they talk to me. How do I get past this. Even though I have disagreed with their choices, I have never said a thing. I don't talk about my health with them. They have stated they don't want to know. I am careful to always be upbeat but still as far as they are concerned I am not worth a plug nickle.

Momo, you have probably done nothing to cause the rift. I think if we cause an estrangement we know what we have done. If we don't know then it's the child wanting money or jealously or many other things. Just work at accepting the situation and redirect your thinking to more pleasant things. That sounds simple but believe me it does work. I would NEVER let anyone know how much they hurt me, I think that gives them more power and satisfaction. Get on with your life forget them.

I don't believe in lying for any reason, but I wish I had the common sense that my friend did. Her husband always bailed out their children when they had a problem. He died and of course they expected her to do the same. When the first one asked for money she said something like this....I don't have the money to give you. Your Dad had been retired a long time and we have lived off our money, there is none left to give you. This was a lie but it saved her from years of hearing sad stories and feeling bad because she wouldn't give them what they wanted. They both became independent, so she helped them in the long run.

Mountain lady, the babies are so sweet, but be careful about posting the pictures of children on the net. If a pedophile is computer savy and the poster is not, the photos can be tracked to a block of the place the photos were taken.

Wow. 10 months to the day and I get a text Hello from my son. I did nothing and then I get a call. I did not answer. I was at work and did not think that was the place to deal with any of this. well when I got home I replied to the text. and said I was at work what was up? HE CALLED! Yes he called me on behalf of my granddaughter... I said what granddaughter. He and the woman are having a baby. I do not feel that this changes anything. I do not know what he wants from me. He asked me to leave him alone and I have now that he is having a child he needs to tell me? Why? He still does not want to be a part of our lives and he does not want us to be a part of his. So please someone tell me what this is all about? I am so confused...

Wow. 10 months to the day and I get a text Hello from my son. I did nothing and then I get a call. I did not answer. I was at work and did not think that was the place to deal with any of this. well when I got home I replied to the text. and said I was at work what was up? HE CALLED! Yes he called me on behalf of my granddaughter... I said what granddaughter. He and the woman are having a baby. I do not feel that this changes anything. I do not know what he wants from me. He asked me to leave him alone and I have now that he is having a child he needs to tell me? Why? He still does not want to be a part of our lives and he does not want us to be a part of his. So please someone tell me what this is all about? I am so confused...

If he asked you to leave him alone.....now he calls, he must want something or is intentionally hurting you. Letting you know what you are missing out on. Don't answer the phone when he calls.

Oh that boy wants something all right. I found out he is also calling all the extended family. He has not spoken to his one grandmother in years and now that he is having a baby he wants us all to send him gifts.

Not once in all of this has he said I want to repair our relationship he said he needs baby furniture. I told him he would work it all out and thanks for calling...

I am done being used. I also am not the one who will need daycare and financial help... I know he will be calling more and more now and I am busy! Life goes on...

I realize that the only thing I have missed out on is his hysterics and drama so life with out him is peaceful. He asked me to go away and leave him alone I have done that I feel he has no right to ask anything else of me ever. He made this choice and now he can live with it.

I also know if I let him back because of a baby he will lord that child over me like a golden carrot and constantly threaten to take it away. Nope not interested! He can man up and work on repairing it all or he can leave me alone.... I am done with him breaking my heart over and over again. No Thank you Drama free zone.... go somewhere else..

Staying strong

Good for you recognizing the problem and following through. I was lucky in a way because my separation from my children happened over many years of no contact except request for money and it was me that drew away. It is not near as traumatic as when it happens suddenly.

It's Christmas Day today, my daughter hasn't spoken to me for going on two years... Because I didn't go and pick her up when my car was in the garage and she didn't believe that I couldn't... And now my son isn't speaking to me either. He has gone to his sister's house for Christmas. His reason is that he fell out with my partner. My parter was at fault, I accept that, but I was caught in the middle, then three weeks ago my partner beat me up very badly and I was lucky to escape with my life.I am now recovering and he won't speak to me because he says that it is my fault. I accept that my daughter is never coming back, but my son is the child that I am closest to and right now I need him. I'm still in a lot of pain from the attack, shaken and unable to sleep. My ex is in prison and i am doing what I can to assist the police and keep him there. I've messaged my son and said that I'm sorry and he knows how much this is hurting me. My daughter will be loving the fact that he has cut me off too as she hates me. How do I get through to him?

Starbuck, no one but you can fix this problem and that is done by accepting the fact and get on with your life. Do something that takes your mind off of your problems. My mother taught me that I could feel better by not dwelling on the things that bother me. All of my life I took long walks, really long walks. When I came home I felt much better. I also read, watch feel good movies and simply distract myself. Letting them see how hurt you are gives them power. Don't call or write either of them. If they think you don't care it may have more affect on them than contacting them. Get on with your life.

Starbuck
Please take care of yourself. Make sure to do whatever it takes. I am sorry about your children. EmmaR is right get on with your life. I am hoping you have a better 2014

I was happy to come across this forum. I have never shared my story and have found myself becoming more depressed because of this. My 33 year old daughter has completely shut us out of her life. It is an incredibly long and very sad story. She has struggled her whole life with keeping relationships, holding a job for more than a few months, or being morally or financially responsible or accountable for anything in her life. Six years ago, she and her live - in boyfriend gave birth to our precious grandson. Less than a year later they split up and we, along with my parents, have supported her financially and emotionally. There are so many things that have happened but honestly it would take me days to share it all. To make an incredibly long story somewhat shorter, when our grandson was three, she met (and 6 months later married) a man who has forever changed our lives. He has been married 3 times before and has a child from each previous marriage. He owns 2 businesses (one is a puppy store and one is a vapor/e - cigarette distribution business) and evidently is financially successful. He seemed quite aloof when we first met him, and rarely wanted our daughter to spend any time with us. After researching a bit, we learned that he has been charged and convicted on two separate charges, for domestic abuse. When we shared this information with our daughter, we were then blocked from her phone, email, FB, etc., and I was served with a protective order to not have any further contact with them . They have since then given birth to a sweet little boy who we have not seen. She has shut out ALL members of our family and sent me an email, telling me that she wants nothing to do we it any of us, ever again--because of our feelings about her husband. Fortunately we are still able to see our first grandson through his father (she has since given him up to his father because her husband "does not get a long with [him]". He is a happy boy living with his dad and we are so thankful that he is still in our life. I am do incredibly sad about this situation and I am constantly worried about the welfare of my daughter. We have always been so close and there is a hole in my heart. She has told friends of mine that she "truly hates [me]" and this cuts right through me. I can't force myself on her for fear of any legal ramifications. It has been so difficult and I guess I just want to find a way to cope.

Hey I am a mom of two children who from my first marriage ended up disowning me after five and half years of trying to hold on to them. I will make it brief.. he and I divorced, i was abroad in canada had two children, left him to end a very bad situation , the kids chose their dad, and his family drove me out of the country, had to go home to U.S , for my safety. I have been for the five years we've been apart, skyping and writing to them everyday , encouraging things, but they today due to their fathers hate of me, wrote me a terrible letter, calling me a dead beat mom, and never want to ever speak to me again, the other child is drug ridden, alcoholic, and doing things that are dangerous.. and now i dont have anyway to watch over or know anything about whats going on. I am so torn up tonight not sure what to do, how to fix it..I am remarried, and have two children with my new husband of four years. Any help or ideas how do you go on, they are my life, the reason i survived the horrific things i did in canada...help.. signed blessed but so sad tonight

First of all, I'd like to respond to all the posters that have politely disregarded their parents, and attempted to invalidate the issue of being estranged from Ones parents. Don't get me wrong, there are many situations where abuse in some form have resulted in adult children wanting nothing to do with the parent. But, I'm not talking about those scenarios. Its just my opinion but, in my opinion the last generation...you know the 80's, and some of the early 90's babies....are what I like to call the "angry, me-myself-and-I, cry baby" generation. I know first hand how utterly self-absorbed, and victimized this generation can be. Always using their childhood disappointments, and hard times as an excuse to be an *%!hole to their parents now. Blaming every little challenge in life on their childhood. Listen, I wasn't the BEST mother in the world but, I certainly was NOT the worst either. If you're a forgiving, and compassionate person, there are no guarantees your kids will be. If you were respectful to your parents, and grandparents, it doesn't mean you raised your own children to be that way. It's easy to blame the parents, continue to carry anger toward them. It's easier for some to ignore when they are so self-absorbed. You have to let them go. There's nothing you can do or say to change what their actions are as adults. Love them from afar, grieve for your loss, and carry on. You know the real tragedy in these situations is that by the time your kids yearn for a hug or the support that only a parent can give unconditionally, you will be dead. They will kick themselves in the butt for not asking you that one last question, or just taking a little extra time to call you. They only miss you, and appreciate you when you're gone.

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I have experienced decades of emotional abuse from my husband. While trying to cope with his emotional abuse, he was aligning my kids against me. i have been dealing with extreme abuse from my adult children who are 27, 31, and 33. My two daughters testified against me in a final hearing for an order of protection against their father, which I got for two years. During the last two years of litigation with their controlling father, I am now trying to have a voice on what happened to me with my attorney and yet again they are coming to court to testify I told them I had a fair settlement.

So often the children align or identify with one parent or the other, & they become either the abuser's next victim or the victim's next abuser.

I'm so sorry.

This all sounds so familiar - I have twin girls born in 1988. My marriage was highly abusive and after 7 years I had to get out. I had custody until they were 13 then because of a comment that was disrespectful made by the oldest twin to me I slapped at her meaning to pop her mouth but I missed. I felt horrible about it and apologized and cried to my girls and it seemed everything was fine. They went and visited their father that weekend and didn't come home. When I called I found out he had filed child abuse charges on me and the girls weren't coming home.

I had remarried to a wonderful man and since had a son he was 4 years old when they left. We had to go to court where the charges were thrown out and I had to start paying 500 month child abuse and lost child support of 850 a month. It's been 14 years and I've tried numerous times only to realize if I give them everything they want they will "let me" be a part of their lives. In other words money.

Their father is evil and they love him I can't change that and obviously didn't love me at all

Life goes on and I tried to self destruct because it hurt so bad--I began drinking and for years tired to numb the pain. It led me to get in the car one night not knowing I was and have an accident that I should've died in. I didn't but now I now I have a life changing injury.

My family hank God has stuck by me and don't think I never tried. I emailed them called them and you know what they did- called the police and had the. Call me to tell me I was not to contact them anymore. Yeah that happened after I stopped the money and stopped carrying health insurance on them.

I found out the other day one is now married and has had a child---and here goes the heartbreak again....it will be for the rest of my life but I'm here and not drinking anymore and praying a whole lot these days. God spoke to me so clearly while I was laid up after my accident and he said--it's not your sin anymore---THEY are 26 year old adults....and I've let them go. Does my heart still ache yes and it always will but I no longer desire them in my life--I'm done---no contact done.....I have to move on and get the rest of my life some sort of substance. I thank God for my husband and it's sad because he loved them just like a daughter and now he wants nothing to so with them nor does their brother...I guess watching me all those years left them numb.

I've read some comments on here and the bottom line is this...do you really want your child in your life knowing they don't "love" you and at what point do you say enough is enough. I think I'm there---and the ironic thing was that this man who used to beat me and verbally cuss me IN front of my girls - yes they remembered it---they worship and he gets to enjoy them and I'm an abuser??????? Imagine being me???

I'm so sorry.

I sometimes think that there really aren't any new stories in the world;
they're all very very old.

I once knew a young woman, call her Jennifer, who 'hated' her mother, who had 'abandoned' Jennifer & her younger brother when they were little, & who had divorced their father so she could live a carefree single life.

The father re-married & had 2 or 3 more children, & there was a definite difference between the way the couple treated his first family & his second.

It was jaw-droppingly like Cinderella:
Jennifer & her brother wore thrift store clothes & weren't allowed to have after-school activities, had to go to work when they turned 14 or 16 or whatever the minimum age is.

The second wife's children wore nice clothes from department stores, & their mother chauffeured them to & from school activities, & they weren't allowed to work because they had to study & have a social life.

& the father?
Jennifer adored him, idolized him...
& he never made a peep.

On Jennifer's 18th birthday, her mother called her & asked her to lunch.

Her mom came to the restaurant with a huge cardboard box, & she showed Jennifer all the court records & all
the birthday & Christmas presents, the Valentine cards, the games & toys & clothes that she'd been sending all these years, that the father & stepmother had marked "refused" at the post office.

The court records showed that Jennifer's father had been charged with sexual abuse of a child, & that her mother had filed for divorce when she found out about it.

The father's then-girlfriend, later wife, had testified that she knew that it never happened, & he got off.

I don't know how that happened;
it was a long time ago, & this guy was a 'respected member of the community', but I do feel like the 2nd wife lied for him, & she had him over a barrel, & that's why he gave her free rein to treat his children the way she did.

So Jennifer's mother had filed for custody, & he fought it, & he had more money, & by this time his girlfriend had testified that she was a warm & loving mother who would welcome these little children to her heart.

The mom said that she eventually realized that all the court drama & uproar were hurting the children & that she couldn't win, so she agreed to let the kids' father have custody, as long as she could have visitation...

but once they got the kids, they refused to let her see or talk to her children, & they told the kids that their mother had abandoned them.

I know it's a very long story, but the message is that
your children will grow up, & eventually, maybe not when they're 18, maybe not until they're about 40 & become more reflective & self-analytical, they'll think back on what actually went on.

People don't always figure it out;
sometimes they go through their entire lives believing the family lie, & there's nothing you can do about that, but if they do figure it out, your relationship with them will change for the better.

Meanwhile, I'd say shake the dust of the past off your dainty slippers & relish your life.

I wish you the very best.

Thank you Sylvia-
I re-read what I posted I wrote it so fast I guess I really needed to get it out--and life does go on. I'm finally through the worst of it. I am going through counseling so that helps - I really thought I was alone until I found this forum I've never met another parent like me. Thank you for the encouragement

A moving and inspiring blog. I have an estranged daughter who my family and I have not seen in over two years. She is now 19 and just started college last September 2014. However, I continue to maintain positivity. Cards are regularly sent to her on those special occasions.

No matter what, I believe continuing to do the right thing and believe that good will always prevail over evil. I have no anger nor resentment towards anyone and neither does my family. We love her and miss her dearly but more importantly, we are ok and will continue to be positive.

My parents only have one grandchild and it has been rather painful, understandably so, for them. Thank you for everyone in sharing their story.

Ive just read through all the comments here many relate somewhat to my situation. My son had a serious accident some years ago he had many serious injuries along with a minor head injury from there his personality changed over time he has become so self centered arrogant rude and more. He recently married and lives abroad but is currently home with his lovely wife living with me, since hes been here he has snubbed and cut off all his friends, hes been the same with my friends he wont socialize (i feel so sorry for his wife shes a stranger to our country and has no family or friends here and hes just isolated his self from everyone) it seems the very slightest thing upset him and he cuts you off i had a huge huge row with him and he stopped talking to me for weeks despite my telling him i wont accept his behaviour in my home to go back to his own home. He finally came round (mainly as he had to ask for the use of my car and other things) My grandson stays with us and there was a recent problem with him and his girlfriends parents they came to my house and my son answered the door. Since then he has not spoken to his nephew although hes done nothing to him, today was his 18th birthday and he hasnt even given him a card or said happy birthday. I can cope with his nasty behaviour to me even the embarrassment of how he has cut people off when they have no idea why and continually ask how he is etc. but its breaking my heart to see him treat our family his own sister and nephew in such a way and i feel so sorry for his lovely wife . His dad just sits back and moans about him to me but wont tell him. I feel sick to the stomach his behaviour is making me ill i thought we would be having lovely family time together but hes made it miserable. I have no idea why he changed why he is like this head injury or not he still knows right from wrong and wasnt bought up to be so rude. Ive always been proud of my kids and their achievements my daughter has struggled as a one parent family but shes done so well my son wasnt very academic but has worked his way up to a top job . They will be with us for another 18 mths and i love having my daughter in law here but i just wish my son would go back of late i just feel ashamed that i have bought up someone who can behave so badly hes just cutting more and more people out of his life and no one knows why. I have looked in to this sort of behaviour and think he may be NPD or is getting there. I hate it so much and its breaking my heart. Confrontation is no use as with the row he would just blank me until he decided he had to speak again, even when i told him to leave he just retreated to his room and i hardly saw him, even to tell him to go (almost as if he just pretended i never said anything) Ive just got through a horrific menopausal depression and the last thing i need is to slip back down that dark hole of hell. I wish some one had some advice, i cant sit by and have him disrespect our family like this but know it will just erupt into a huge war if i say anything. I pray for God to help me but more to help him, maybe hes going through some thing he cant share with any of us or maybe he has NPD but how do i help him and help us . How do i get my daughter and grandson to understand his bad behaviour and to let it pass so there is no further conflict? how can i sit back and let them be treated like this? I hurt for my daughter and grandson its so unfair when they have done nothing to deserve his distain. At this precise time i just want the earth to open up and swallow me . He was such a lovely boy why did he turn out like this? I know im not the perfect mum, no one can be, but ive done my best, it seems it wasnt good enough. How do i go on from here? .... i just do not have a clue!

What you describe is abuse & you're the victim.

Whatever happened to change his personality, the cost of tolerating his behavior is devastating, to you, to your husband, to your whole family.

Change the locks, put his stuff on the lawn, & call the cops if he turns up again.

Omg reading all these..never realized I'm not alone..my 19 year old son threatened to get a restraining order on me if I ever call him again all because i was upset he wouldnt go out to dinner with me and his sister cause I havent seen him in a year..and my youngest daughter..we go halves on a new car together (I put more then half) car goes in both our names and she takes off to her friends and stays there..giving her friends mom a ride to work everynight while i begged and pleaded with her for a ride to the grocery store..so now its been 3 years since ive had no car and in those 3 years she has probable taken me abot 15 times..im so heartbroken i feel like im going to die

I dd not read the 97 comments, so this might be repetitive, but have you tried talking to them and telling them how you feel? When you email them about your life and how you are, you are giving them info, but it is not communication. They may appreciate the updates, but there is no need for interaction, and my guess is your emails tell them you are fine. Have you tried just saying, "Hey. I miss you. I would love if we could chat, or spend some time together. Can we talk about it?" We sometimes assume others get the message, but if we're not communicating clearly, there really is no way for them to know. Also, have you thought of talking to a counselor for you? And, if after communicating clearly with the grown kids, if issues arise from your histories that are impeding on a healthy relationship, have you thought of seeing if they would consider family counseling?

See, you want a specific response to your emails from them -- perhaps you want them to acknowledge you, or say they care, or are glad to hear your updates, etc. If they live busy lives, they may be 1, relieved by your emails you're fine, 2, think you do not need them because your updates reassure them. This social media generation is bombarded with email, and newsfeed info, so an email is less personal and more easily can slip to the back burner or be ignored (yes, even from mom). Also, if some grown kids feel guilty they avoid.

I think a call is best and speak your feelings and needs, "I am really missing you. I love you." And it is possible you may not get instant magic, but over time who does not feel loved and missed when someone keeps telling them.

My adult kids are not in my life as much as I'd like, even though we communicate almost daily. They usually only call or contact when they need something, but sometimes they surprise me, like a card from my 32 y/o son after helping him through a serious challenge, and my 24 y/o daughter tagging me relentlessly in posts and pics, with the occasional news blast how much she loves and appreciates her mom, and my middle daughter on a romantic getaway with the boyfriend messaging me with photos and a long chat about how much fun she is having.

I just miss them underfoot so much, and now with an empty nest, a piece of my heart feels empty, but I do tell them I need time with them and miss them, even if it means getting rejected at times. It is hard to feel the rejection, so to state our needs "I miss you. I need some time with you" is incredibly risky for us that we might get rejected and that will hurt, but think about it, you're already feeling rejected by not asking for what you want, so what do you have to lose? I hope this helps!!!

Hi I'm new to this thread but here goes ...my 23 yr old disabled (visual imparement but NOT mollicoddled ) daughter who I've loved for her whole life has walked out without a word just over a week ago (10days) and is now blanking me totally ..she has blocked every mode of contact ( no idea where she is) ...her only comment is I want to be independent on the evening of the day she went in a text saying I'm safe and ok but want to be independent ..so independent she left everything behind except a small bag of clothes ..she has blocked both my son and husband too ....causing so much hurt to us all as our family only consists of us four no grand parents or other relatives due to my mothers nassicism.... should I do anything or leave her to it ..????

I'm so sorry.

Assuming that she doesn't in fact have reason to sever ties (she said a relative was abusing her & the family said don't tell lies, etc), & given the fact that you haven't actually spoken to her & that she didn't take her things & has blocked her whole family, I'd be worried about her safety.

An abuser, including those who groom girls for bad uses, will manipulate the girl into severing contact with her support system.

I wish you the best.

wow I don't feel so alone. I have one daughter who wont talk to me because I "embarrass' her by laughing too loud or clapping at a graduation. she is definitely bibolar , or maybe worse. I have tried everything. She wont let me see her new baby and wont let me see her older daughter anymore. But last year when she needed me it was ok to see her and her daughter. Now she has a new boyfriend who is doing real well and now she wants nothing to do with me. I also have three other adult sons, 2 of which call me and visit and help me when I need it. My other son who has my other two grandchildren only comes to see me when he wants to use something of mine or "borrow" money. He often uses his kids as a hook to get me to give him money or get me to let him use my car.. Now lately that his kids are a little older he says that they don't want to come see me coz they are playing with their new friends. Well I am sick of it. Like some of the other women and men on this site who have finally said "Enough!" .. I am going to tell my son that the next time he comes over that he cannot use me any longer. One time before I did say that to him and he vandalized my house.. If he does it again I am calling the cops. .. so sad.

I like so many of you ask myself what went wrong? What did I do to her that she dislikes us so much and is so dismissive? I know in my head that we did not cause this behavior, but the heart is another thing. So, there is nothing I can do, nothing I can say to fix it. I had to cut the relationship off because I walked around under a constant cloud and when she was coming to visit, I would get cramps from the anxiety. So, after cutting her off, at least I don't have to see her with her rude behavior and wonder what she will do next. I am hoping that time will soften my hurt, but even if it doesn't , I will go on and deal with it, it won't be perfect, it may not get better, but I will try my best. That's what I must do and I will do. Good luck to my fellow parents, we are in the same situation, you are not alone.

I am so grateful to have found this forum! I have felt alone for so long, but reading what a lot of you are going through mirrors my own experiences! My whole life all I wanted was to be a great mom, which I have been. Even my son and daughter both say they could'nt have asked for a better mom. Society has always laid the blame for our children's terrible attitudes, abuse, on the moms. I have done everything from paying tuition for university, (which they both dropped out of) always being there emotionally, only to be ignored by my son. He has broken my hand, posted bold faced lies. Has gotton me in tears on the phone and rhe more I cry the more cruel and twisted lies come out. He seems to derive great pleasure torturing me. He was fine growing up but at 18 he became evil. He cares only for himself. He berates me for no reason. This has gone on for 5 years. He hooked up with a girl that is extremely jealous of any relationship he has with anyone but especially me. She screams that he should hate me and when he says he loves me she goes balistic, as though I'm a girlfriend! After not seeing him for 2 years, he called me this last mother's day 2015 asking if he could come to see me at the house. I and his older brother were quite hesitant since he can be very abusive. I relented and told him yes. We had a nice hug and half hour visit until his girlpal called and screamed relentlessly for him to come back. This didn't stop for a half hour. I told him to just hang up, and never to let anyone speak to him like that. I piled him and his brother in to the car and said lets go for a nice mother's day meal, which I was paying for. Well she called again and screamed if he didn't come back she would come to my house and do damage. My son pleaded with her to let him spend mom's day with his brother and me. My son wouldn't come into the restaurant and went to meet with her. My blood pressure was through the roof. I have always taught all my children they never have to put up with abuse. They were never even labelled in any way! My son knows I have a brain tumor snd aneuryizm. But when I told him he just saud, "oh yeah" and continued his me me me charade. The following day I had a major stroke and was paralysed on the left side . My son called saying he felt probably responsible. He said he was allowed to come up to intensive care only if his girlfriend could come too.(her words) I told him I didn't want her anywhere near me. She waited outside the hospital and "let" him come into intensive care for 15 mins. I called him the next day and left a message saying what room I was in on the stroke ward. No reply and that was 7 weeks ago. He hasn't called to see if I'm dead or alive. Liz

Hi all,
I'm new to the blog, but glad I found. For the original poster, My Son and DIL strongly urged me to get a dog - the ones opting out. Esoterically, I understand that a pet is so healthy. Definitely like a baby in that one cannot forget to walk and feed the dog, etc. Some weeks, I wouldn't go outside if it wasn't for her. I also understand that a dog is *no* substitute for the loss of an adult child, his wife and now my granddaughter.

I do agree that some of this is about power and control, selfishness and one's own issues on all sides. Like others, I do agree that it's hard to stop the communication - or the quantity of it. What I do not understand is why: what did I do that was so heinous to warrant such a huge decision. Will the pain ever wane? Thanks.

This is the second of three children that Im loosing. I differant curcumstances. Still as painful. I pray and believe, but the storys being told are so unreal and twisted. My daughter has so much bitterness, hatred and jealiousy. We have had spats before where she has said hateful things and and accused me of destroying her life. I can't do thia anymore. No more trying to make things right. I have ignored the last two e-mails. She said I commited felonys against her when she was young. I dont know where she is coming from or why, but my husband said not to respond. Just leave her alone. It hurts so bad....

Hello all, I have a 19 year old daughter that has fallen out with me so many times it's beyond a joke.

me and her father split 6 years back she straight away blamed me for everything and I never saw her or spoke to her for almost a year, till she came knocking on my door pregnant! At 14, I let her in with open arms and we delt with the problem, after 8 months of living with me and my partner (my partners home) she fell out with me over a packed lunch for school, I was struggling for money and didn't have any cash for dinners so I made them packed lunch, she didn't to want that and throw it at me and walked off, a hour later I get a phone call from social services saying I abused her and I can no longer have my other children, I was heartbroken as nothing had happened that was bad just a squashed packed lunch, that took a few months to sort but my 19 year old went to live with my parents, I ended up kicking her out as she upset my mum and I wasn't having that, so she ended up back at her dads, that lasted another year, I wrote her a pome and that made her see what she was missing and came back to me, after a few years of trying but ok times, we had a row over sanitary towels (of all things) and she left again, she was so nasty and hurtful she broke my heart, she caused more heartache with my other children playing us all off on each other. She left school (here in England they leave at 16) and got a job, things supposedly happened in this job and she needed her mum as she had no support from her dad, and what did I do? Welcome her back with open arms again, I went through court cases and solicitor appointments, counselling just to help her through this bad time. A friend of mine died and she wanted to come to the funeral with me, so I went to pick her up as she had moved in with boyfriend, she wasn't ready n I was sat outside for 20 mins by the time we got to the funeral it was over and I was devastated, so we stopped speaking again for a while as this time it was my choice, then she moved in to her own home and needed mum again so like normal I went back with open arms, I did everything for them, decorating ect, then she finds she's pregnant, by this time we are very close and best friends, as I don't have any friends as such due to work and family life, it was at long last the way a mother daughter relationship should be, I was at the birth of my amazing grand daughter , she is now 18 weeks old and every time my daughter needs help I have been there, she did a full 2 weeks lessons on driving and while she was doing that I had my granddaughter ( booked 2 weeks holidays at work) then she passes her test and I get forgot about while she's going to visit everyone else but not me, this up set me, as I do everything for her, I would of give her my last penny and sometimes I have, I bought most of the baby stuff she needed, only to now have it all thrown back in my face once again, this time over a guitar I wanted to sell, now we are not talking again she says I am childish and need to grow up, she tells me what to do and when she is seeing her sister, her sister is 13 and to me my responsibility, she has been away with her dad for 2 weeks and I have booked a day off to spend with her cos I have missed her but my oldest had decided that she is spending the day with her and I have to do what she says, if I don't u have spoilt their day. I have got to a point that I no longer want to go through all this pain and heartache over her but I don't want to miss out on my granddaughter, and I no she won't let me see her now, she did need me to look after her when she goes back to work but that's not going to happen now, I just feel like giving up, having no contact with her at all and keeping her out my life, but that's not fair on my other children. the hurtful stuff she says is horrible, she said stuff like "that's why you have no friends, because you won't take the blame and won't admit your wrong mum" I repeatedly took the blame on every occasion as that's what us parents do, I am always saying sorry and I love her and let's just forget about it all, but she won't and after a few days with no contact she sends me a message out of the blue telling me what to do, I have now blocked her number on my phone so she can't ring or text, we are still friends on FB but I no she won't say anything on there as we have lots of family that don't need to hear this. I will be not speaking to her for a few weeks as I can't keep doing this, she needs to grow up her self and one day she will know what hurt from a daughter will be like. I am just so worried I won't ever see my grandchild again and that hurts. Children can be the most hurtful beings and I am sure god put them in this world just to test us, but how far can a parent go? The live we have for our children is so deep and strong it hurts so much when that gets knocked. Sorry guys for this being long but, times have tested my love for her and I have found after time and time again that it's getting weaker and weaker every time.

Well here I am two years later and not much has changed. We have had very limited contact with our son, and I have to say it is for the best. NOTHING has changed with him except he has now had two children. He sent me a text today to tell me he was fired from yet another job. basically hinting for money. I did not respond

missmyson221. I'm so sorry for you, but perhaps the limited contact is the best thing for you anyhow. Hopefully, you have the strength to stay strong and let him grow up to be a man. I understand, and you are not alone. I "divorced " my daughter 3 1/2 years ago and altho it is very hard from time to time, I suffer less this way.

I am trying to stay strong in all of this. I worry for the innocent babies. I just do not understand how he can be this way. I keep thinking if he hits rock bottom he will finally get it together he is 30 years old now. He has not had a full time job in 8 years. I am starting to see that this is just who he has chosen to be and there is nothing I can do to change that. He is not welcome in our home and I will not give him any money. If the state steps in and takes his children that is not my doing either. He has chosen this path I must just let him walk it... I realize this man is a stranger to me. I have grieved my son years ago. I think now I am grieving the grandchildren. Letting go

I just wonder should you have to get pictures of your grandchildren from the internet? I ask for a picture and I am told they do not have any... and bam I find them on the internet on a gofundme page no less. I am so tired of the lies.

Dear Missmyson221,

I think this is the hardest part. Although I miss both children deeply, I miss my Granddaughter more. I don't really understand how one can keep a grandchild from her grandparents. Who would do that?

Lynn

I do not understand and that makes me the most crazy. I realize that my son is a total stranger to me I do not even know him any more. I have come to terms with not being close to him. Why did he come back into my life and bring the babies to dangle as if a golden carrot? I just do not know and they do everything in their power to make sure that the babies are not close to me and my husband. but oh when they need something they manage to call.... jerks

I don't understand either. You are correct that when my daughter needs something - she knows how to reach me and her Dad both. And although she still struggles when we are involved in her life, she can't help herself from calling us every name in the book: we are responsible for this. OR the cause of that. why does she call in the first place if she hates us so badly. In some ways I have reconciled. In other ways the pain is still so excruciating.

Dear missmyson221 I would guess that the children call because they would like to tempt us with the grandkids and then we will cave in and (hopefully ) feel lots of delicious :-) guilt. I think they want us to suffer as much as possible for our perceived hurts that we have done to them. I used to think that when she was 20 years old, she would wake up. Then at 25 years old, then at 30 etc. Well, she is now past 50 years old and I had to realize she was never going to change , NOT EVER. So, that's where I remain. But, we are not alone and I also have friends whom I have known for many years and they are also going through hard times too. I wonder if it is a sign of the times or it has always been like the? Hang in, stay strong and kep in touch with those who value us.

Lynn I am sorry that your daughter treats you so poorly. I know that pain. I am so tired of crying over this boy of mine. I have taken a huge step back; and I am better for it. I have decided that I only want to communicate with him in writing. His lies have lead me to believe it would be best to have a written record. If I do not hear his voice I can separate the emotion from it and deal with him and his lies. I do miss the babies but I refuse to pay ransom to see them.

Patly I agree with you that they are who they are and I am not going to change him. I am working to change my reaction to him.

It is funny I was searching online for being abandoned by parents as adults. There is nothing on the web for it and came across this. I am the older daughter of Flgirl407 and find it interesting how she puts her children down. What do you do with a mother that gives you everything you want but calls you a whore, hits you with brushes, says she wishes you were never born says stay out of my life and I never want to see you again. She did all of those things. She is abusive as me as an adult and as a child. She is the one who said to stay out of her life and she wants nothing to do with me. The last time I saw her was Mothers Day a few years ago. I drove to her house made her a nice dinner then she tells me some news. We talked about it then moved on to dinner. When I got home after what I thought was a nice dinner she put me down for my efforts then said I didn't react like she wanted me too and to stay the hell out of her life. My point is people hear that part of the story. I have never ever said I do not want my family in my life, but time and time again the parents do. The siblings do. My family is sick in the head and she is playing the marter. Always trying to find a reason to cut one another off. I have always forgave and tried to forget what my mother has thrown at me, but as I get older and know my parents are not going to be around forever and they cut me off like an enemy I get more bitter. I just couldn't read that and just let it go. I have a great life and remarried to a wonderful man. People make mistakes but do the best you can. She has two daughters and with both she cut us off. She did it not us! She has grandchildren yes but my sister did not want her kids in an atmosphere of jealousy, hate. My mother did nice things I will not dispute it but words hurt and she never has paid attention to how she has talked to her children. There is a snipit of the truth.

Addendum: She has three grandchildren. two girls and a boy. Nobody betrayed her. My dad and her got divorced and she said because I talked to my dad she didnt want to come to my wedding (first one). My dad never said to me if you are talking to your mother I do not want to be in your life (nice version) she has. She has been bitter ever since and this has been well over 25 years. I do not blame her for anything. I am a good person. I have a good job made something of myself. I can take care of myself and do not need anyones money for that. Yes I came to visit and we also took vacations together. I will hold those memories close to me because it apparently meant more to me than her. We were kids we complained about any work so what you dont go on the web and talk about that stuff. I have never put her down called her names or said stay out of my life lets make that very clear. She has! I would love nothing more than to have my family in my life, despite everything she says. I love my mother and my father and my sister. But the love has never been reciprocated. If you do not agree with her you are dead to her. The last thing she said to me was "as far as your family heirlooms forget about it they are going to charity". Yeah that hurts. So my point is to everyone please evaluate because it isnt always the children sometimes you have parents who do not want to take responsibility for what they have done to their children.

Heather

I just want to relate to my fellow Moms what has been happening in the past few months. No, nothing with my adult. middle aged daughter has changed. But, fortunately, my HMO has provided me with access to a therapist and a psychiatrist. So, I am taking advantage of this and hope that it will be of help. My therapist has been teaching me a breathing method that can be calming . Some who practice this may have calming feelings, but since I am not easily redirected :-) I use it to focus on the practice of it. i'e. breathing through my nose, holding it in for a few seconds and breathing out slowly through my mouth. It's not exactly the method but close enough for you to understand in broad terms.. Since I am not a typist, it would take me too long for the exact directions. Anyhow, the psychiatrist said I looked depressed as soon as i walked into his office. I never thought I did, but how do I argue with a Dr. ?? Anyhow, he asked me for a run down of what I was experiencing and suggested I remain with the therapist and then asked if I would be amenable to trying a mood altering drug. He told me a bit about it and said it had been very successful with quite a few patients with depression. It will take a while to feel its affect, so I can't tell you all if it has been a help yet. Anyhow, that's what I have done and I am hoping for some positive results. i will get back to you and keep you up to date. I think of you all and wish you relief in any way that will help lift you from the pain. Just remember we are all in this together. No one here is alone.

Patty, what a beautifully written and thoughtful email. Your sincerity shines through. It's usually important during times like this to marry the combo of talk therapy and Psych Meds. After all, having a adult children who are estranged is a long term dilemma, rather than I'm feeling blue because it's raining this afternoon. :( So I'm glad you are tending to both. Me too. The breathing is extremely helpful and I too use a similar technique when my mind is racing and I need to calm it down.

Earlier this year, my Psychiatrist prescribed a sleep aid to guarantee that not only did I go to sleep but stayed asleep all night. That has really been a godsend.

Both my children live on the East Coast and of course we are experiencing Hurricane Joaquin with its torrential rains. My children cannot even confirm they are safe or floating down the river that used to be a street. What?!?!?!? Seems to me so basic.

So sorry for the emotional pain everyone is going thru. I too have a similar story. Trying to learn how to deal with this pain. I have had to work on depression before but this pain from my own child seems to much. Not ready to share my story but there is comfort in reading thru these so I will share soon.

Sweetsun95

This pain is one no mother should ever have to feel. Just wanted to say you are in my thoughts and I hope today is a good day

Thank you. I appreciate the emotional support. I really have no one to to talk with about this issue with my daughter. I have only a few family members and they don't want involved. I believe it is painful for them to see me so upset and they think I should just put it all aside and move forward.

I think I am going to Dr and get something to help me get settled.

Thanks again for your kind words.

Thanks Patty for your support also.

Hello everyone, today is Christmas. My oldest daughter has not spoken to me in months, she hosted an 80th bday party for my mother and didn't bother to tell me, let alone invite me. She also has 3 children that she does not allow me to see. My second daughter is mad at me because I will not give her $20,000 to have a lavish wedding to a guy who I believe, is not right for her (he is unemployed and living off of her...a nurse). My third child, a son, keeps in contact the most but did not yet call me today, perhaps there is still a chance. I see a lot of posts offering different suggestions and advice regarding your own experiences. My husband and I were great parents, we gave our kids a great life so it is disheartening that they, the daughters especially, choose to completely ignore us. While I cannot control how they behave, I have made a decision to not allow it to steal my joy. There are many who love and appreciate my contributions and the value that I add to their lives, I focus on that. The adult children and grandchildren of friends have filled the void left by my own blood relatives. I hope and pray that one day they come around but I have not put my life on hold waiting. I send my holiday wishes to all of you...may you find some joy and consolation in knowing that perhaps it won't be like this forever and while you are on this journey, we are in it together.

I see a recurring pattern here of posters stating that now resentful adult children were given lots of things when they were younger, and associated complaining that they now only get in contact when they want something.

Also lots of angry trash talk about these ingrates from Hell.

So I have to wonder how much of it really is entirely one-directional. Especially when ranting offspring are so often said to complain of what amounts to their own emotional needs not having been met.

There's two sides to every story, see the posts from Heather Ellis.

Embothrium, I think your post has some validity (though I'll admit I'm estranged from my parents at the moment.)

My issues with my parents are their secrecy, and lack of trust (in me and my husband). When I asked them to do a values exercise with me, or even to come to counseling, the response I got was "No, I don't need to do that with you, and I don't want to, so I won't. Stop whining and get on with life."

I don't need gifts from my parents, but I would LOVE a meaningful, trusting, respectful, honest relationship.

I haven't been here in awhile, but have still thought of you all. To bring you up to date: I am still on drugs, and so far they haven't seemed to do much but get me through the night with out waking up. I feel more tired than usual, but I will see the Dr in a few weeks and see what he has to say. In the months past, I have had increases in the drug dosage, but am still waiting to wake up and start a happy dance. He has told me to be patient, but I am grateful for the sleep. Wonder how high the dosage will go?? Can't be that I am that depressed. Well, in the meantime, I have some place to go :-) Holidays are what I make of them and I try to be grateful for what I do have. Regards to you all, and hope you all have grateful moments.

Patly, first thing is: you are making good progress. Sleeping through the night is a huge thing - regardless of the drug dosage. It prevents so many awful things and will eventually allow you to dance - or even better - be functional fully during the day. There is **nothing** good that can come out of broken sleep patterns.

To have an estranged child is plenty of enough reasons to not be yourself and in the position you are. I don't know your circumstances but it sounds like you are in a good position in that you are going to the Doctor, you are following his/her instructions.....and you know you are going back for status check. Hang in there

Lynn, so nice to hear from you again. I hope you are looking forward to a New Year. How is your life going for you? Have there been any changes in your family or are things pretty much the same? You remain in my thoughts.

I am 60 years old. I moved closer to home to be near my grandchildren, son, and daughter. I live 15 miles from them. I have been moved back almost a year. I can count on one hand how often any of them have been to visit. I was diagnosed with Refractory Anemia about two months ago. This is a very serious illness consisting of 4 different types of anemia. It is incurable. I drive two hours once a week to get a shot that is dangerous omits self. Neither my son or daughter have ever offered to drive me, nor do they text or call to see how things went or what the doctor said. I was texting or calling them in the beginning but realized they weren't returning the interest. They read what I post each week on Facebook to my prayer warriors. That's how they are able to tell people how I'm doing so they look like they've been talking to me. I haven't been home at Christmas in years. I had talked about how excited I was for the grandchildren to be coming to my house for the first time to see my place all decorated. Because of a misunderstanding two days before no one came. My grandchildren haven't been here since Thanksgiving. My oldest granddaughter has my 3 beautiful great grandbabies and she didn't bring them either. My illness causes me to be unbelievably exhausted so I actually finished decorating my tree on Christmas Day. I had been working on it since Thanksgiving. My neighbor put all my outside lights up for me. I have never cried so much in my life. None of them have called or text me. My oldest granddaughter and I have always been close because she was my only grandchild for 7 years. I've spoiled her rotten. She doesn't even answer my text on Facebook now. She, nor my kids even like my post from the doctor each week. My illness means I could die at any time. I have had two blood transfusions already. My oldest granddaughter informed me through messenger that she wasn't going to let the girls to come stay with me alone anymore. My daughter will not allow my teenage grandchildren come speed the night anymore, I guess assuming I may drop dead. SHE could drop dead. None of us know when we're leaving this earth. I could live another few years from what the doctor said, we just don't know. But, my heart is completely torn apart that my children know I have a terminal illness and got mad at me because I asked why they couldn't give me one day a month to help me with things I can't do. I have to do things in short durations because of shortness of breath. I need help with dishes, etc. It's just heartbreaking that they wouldn't want to spend as much time with me as they could. The most crushing thing is keeping my grandchildren away. I'm praying everyday for God to help me get past this pain.

Most of us here totally understand what you are going through. I also have had my problems with my only child (a daughter). I cried and was down in the dumps. I no longer spend time seeing or speaking with her for about 4 years now. I am trying to live and do what pleases me. I joined Friends of the Library and have made some new acquaintances. I also try and spend time doing what I enjoy. Does it solve my problem? No, but it gets me through the days in as pleasant as possible. I am sorry that you are suffering so much. It sounds as if your neighbors have been helpful, and perhaps you can try and enjoy their company. I wonder if there are organizations that you could join that might not take too much of your energy since you have medical problems. Perhaps there is a church or synagogue that might be helpful to you and you might find people who share your beliefs. It sounds as if these relatives no longer deserve your kindnesses.

My son is an alcoholic, sober 4 years. I was kept away from his two kids for two years while he was in rehab. Fast forward to now where he is doing well. He gets his kids on Sunday's. His kids have a real problem not saying thank you, hello, goodbye or I love you grandma. I always go all out for my son (I raised him as a single mom. He's my only child and he will be 33 nxt month) and his kids. Holidays, birthdays, just in-general things I do, and love to, for them. But the two grandkids find it unnecessary to EVER say thank you.

Additionally my choice of cell fone carrier is not the company My son works for and he cannot seem to remind me of that, almost berating me about ir, every time the topic of phones comes up. Last Sunday I bought a new phone and asked him to show me a couple things on it. Of course he got smart with me and I had it. Couldn't take his attitude anymore. I told them to leave. Without going into all the details, the nxt day I sent an email to my son saying I deserve respect from his children, that there is no excuse for them not to be more polite to me and that I am OVER his constant commenting that I don't have his cell phone company as my provider. He replied that I've obviously been keeping score and he's sorry that his kids are rude and misbehaved. There were other comments he made but basically he did what he always does....twists everything around and makes it out to have me look like the bad guy. We haven't spoken in a week and life is just very weird right now. I know that my requests of him were justified and it's his problem that he blew it out of proportion...but that doesn't make this not speaking thing enjoyable. Thanks for listening.

vlvasquez50 , I would urge you to have some patience with your son and his children. 4 years sober may still be a transition period for him, and his children's mother is also partially responsible for the children's behavior, especially if he does not have them full-time. Realize that your critiquing of his children also may make him think you do not respect/value HIM as well.

For the children, you can gently remind them, "I hope you liked what I gave you - if you did, could you please say 'thank you'? It would make grandma very happy'. Children like people to be happy, so they'll generally do whatever it takes to please you (especially if it means more treats).

As for the cell phone thing - there are two things you can do. 1) Acknowledge (to him and yourself) that it may hurt his pride to see you use a different provider, or that he teases you and doesn't realize how much it bothers you. If you are with a certain provider due to a locked-in contract, or a better price tell him that, or whatever your reasons are.

So I think you may be blowing things out of proportion - give him a call, explain what bothers you, and ask how you can work together to make visits more enjoyable for both of you.

What's wrong with this picture? I would give anything if my parents were still alive. I know I was not always the loving daughter to my mom and it hurts to this day. I would give anything to have a do over but you don't get one. I have a son and daughter-in-law to love me to come stay with them. I also have my grandson who is 9 spend a few weeks with us during the summer. My girls are so different. They have busy busy lives and have lots of time for other friends and family but not me. No matter what dates I suggest getting together they are always booked up. I have cried till it makes me sick. My husband who is their stepfather and has always loved them hates that they hurt me so bad. He stays out of it and that's what I want him to do. I call but it goes to voicemail, I text and they text back saying why don't I call. It's a vicious Merry-go-round. I'm 67 and they are 47 and 41. I can't see anything ever changing. I hate to give up because I love seeing my grandkids and my great grandson but I can see an end coming real soon to all of this. I feel for all of you moms who are going through what I am but it will never change. I'm very quiet and don't show an overjoyed emotion which makes them think I'm not enjoying the visits I have had with them. They are both very outgoing and have lots of friends and other family. I'm very much like my dad who liked to sit back silently but enjoying all of us around him and we knew how much he loved us all being together. Just pray that their eyes will be opened before our life on this earth is over. Prayers to all of you.

I apologized to my estranged daughter for her, childhood, reasons for not having contact with me, only for her to come up with another 20 ridiculous reasons. The pain of abandonment from a child is horrible... I found myself having email arguments with her & continuously reminding her of her bad behavior toward me, or wrong choice. After recent chest pains & her going off to the zoo with her family... AND HER DAD (who lives with me, her mother), I decided that I just couldn't take any more. When she phoned my husband to ask how I was doing... I texted her saying that she 'lost her right to ask how I'm doing'. Maybe that is wrong on my part, but my heart just can't take this strain/extreme pain any longer. I believe whole-heartedly, this is all due to the man she married... that's when it did all start, very quickly after they moved in together. I have seen this situation cause divorces... it has very much 'distanced' my husband & I. My mother suggested that I just write & mail (if not meet in person she said) her just saying 'I love you, my door is always open to you'. She told me "FIX IT!" and if the daughter wishes not to, then let the matter go & move on with life.

I am also new to this site. Found it by chance... or by 'His' plan, right. But I don't feel So ALONE in this after reading your comments. I thank you all for that. I was sitting in the dark living room, and I can't help it when the tears just start pouring out of me, running down my face until I can't see, and I gasp for the short unstable breaths that that pain causes. 'Don't these kids know what a rare thing it is to be loved, and to have someone care about you, and do whatever possible they can for you?' If I treated my Mom like that, my Dad would have put head through a wall...seriously. I called my older brother a bad name 'once', and Dad grabbed my head of long hair & drug me bent over... to the bathroom, threw me onto the toilet, & cut my hair off with a razor blade. But I 'never' remember calling any sibling a bad name after that! And I love my Dad. I believe he had a 'job' to do, and he did. No blame but to my own self.

I am an adult who was estranged from my father for years throughout my life and permanently for the last 5 years of his life. I would caution parents who are estranged against seeking replacement "kids" (pets, hobbies, volunteerism, stepchildren, etc.) because it doesn't endear you to the kids you've already abandoned. There is a reason your children don't want you in their lives and 99% of the time it is due to hurt and disappointment you have caused. Barring any mental health or substance abuse issues (which have their own roots in childhood pain/trauma), no child wants to distance themselves from their parent; if you have loving, supportive or at least not abusive parents, you don't choose to cast them out of your life. Even if the relationship is rocky, you will stick it out and work to improve it. But when it becomes too hurtful or damaging to bear, if you value any shred of yourself worth and sanity, you have to choose you. That is what I did. I chose me. And most adult children who I have talked to who are estranged from their parents did the same--they chose themselves to save themselves. And while it is never an easy choice, sometimes it is the only one you are left with. It is a painful choice and that hole doesn't fill (I am crying as a write this and my father has been dead for over 3 years now). But I knew that continuing to be rejected by him would leave me even more scarred, hurt, and feeling abandoned than I do even now. And I couldn't allow that to continue through my actions of seeking his love and support. So I had to step away. Instead of replacing us, LISTEN TO US, BELIEVE US when we tell you how much you have hurt us (we are not trying to hurt you purposely, we are telling you our truth of our experience of you as a parent and how it impacted us), APOLOGIZE TO US for your actions/words, and MAKE AMENDS TO US and act in ways that show us how much you say you love and care for us. We know that sometimes you didn't have the best parents to show you how to parent well and we are deeply sorry for that hole in your lives--we unfortunately know how that feels. But we can work with you if you are actively trying (and seeking support if you need to) to be a better parent to us than you had yourselves. We love you too--we are from you and part of you. We just don't want to be the you who hurts us and we will save ourselves even if it means sacrificing our relationship to you.

to L Stockton: That would be great. But my Princeton educated daughter has not even let me know what I did or said that bothered her so much. I offered going to her counselor or mine, let her know I wanted to figure out the problem . I can't fix what I don't know. It's been nearly 18 months since I've seen my grandchildren. I took my grandson to pro baseball games, train shows. Spoke to him at a funeral a couple of months ago, he didnt seem to remember me in the year+ since I played and was active with him. The baby was only 2 mo when I last held her.

My SIL sent me a text in Sept 2015 to never approach my daughter or their kids, in public or in private, not to come to their house. I quit going to our church so I wouldn't run into them. So that is what I've done, with continual heartbreak, since I am all for acknowledging problems and working on solutions.

She seems to have gotten the poor communication skills from her dad. It was either something acute, or a buildup over a period of time -- which means past time spent with me was done behind a facade of hers, faking fun and enjoyment.

My counselor has told me there are probably problems she's having that I'm not aware of, that she stopped the communication, I didn't, and she's the one in control of what happens. So I have learned skills to use when I start to think about the whole mess.

I have sent cards, small gifts on birthdays and last Christmas. My daughter has my phone blocked, or ignores it. I texted, then called, a few months ago when I locked myself out of the house. I had just brought the hidden key in from a trip. I had to call my youngest daughter a couple of states away to call her for me. The SIL came with the key and an attitude of pure disgust.

I ordered that daughter, husband, 5 yr old and 20 mo old, family flannel pajamas for Christmas this year. Would be adorable on them. I have not yet decided whether to send them. See, I don't feel like I can be my normal self. A paradox of being the old me, or being the me whose love is being rejected. I will probably still send them, with my heart crying as I do it.

There are sometimes underlying reasons for the estrangement. Until you've walked in someone's shoes, you cannot judge them. I find it hard to understand children who distance themselves from their parents after they've taken money, college education, etc. If you have major issues with your parents, then don't take a handout. You can't have it both ways. My father has chosen to distance himself from us. He left us when we were children, remarried and had a new family. Which he often reminded us of as the reason he had no time for us, he had a "new little family" and that was where he focused all his time, attention and love. He gave those children everything - cars, expensive clothing, vacations, college, a pool, whatever they wanted. Then, when his 2nd wife decided he was too old, she left him for another man. His children from his 2nd marriage never bother with him at all, unless they want money. We, the children from his 1st marriage, were told we had to work for whatever we wanted, so we did. Today, we all are successful and ask no one for anything. I thank my mother for everything she did to make us feel loved, instilling in us a work ethic and love of family. We didn't have a lot of money or material goods, but Mom gave us unfailing love. My father gave us nothing at all. Yet it is now, that his "new little family" has rejected him, that he comes to us, only calling us when he wants something. My mother lived with my sister when she got ill, and now that she's gone, my father feels sister should take him in as well. Never going to happen. He never thought he would get old or need us, he's reaping what he's sown. I can forgive him for ignoring us, I am respectful to him but it is simply too late as far as I'm concerned. He made his bed, now he must lie in it.

Cruising thru this topic I too feel the pain of various readers. Thou shall honor thy mother and father. That's how it goes. Male, 68, watched all my kids being born, one dying at 33. Surviving adult children are treating me and my remarried wife with total abandon .No more game playing, Was too generous, and my ex lied to them. Currently thinking about disowning them all. My story in life is typical of the lost parent that tried and failed. My advice, get a dog or cat, they will truly love you. Pray, and let it be.

Thank you for this post. It helped me.

Praying for everyone. Blessings.

Iam702 This is a two-way street and adult children are just as capable of abuse as any other human. Why do people persist in bad behavior? To justify their bad behavior. At some point (adulthood), you are responsible for your bad behavior. This is a general statement not directed at you specifically. While I sympathize with your situation, it does not apply to most parents who are treated poorly.

Of course adult children can be abusive, I've read enough of these heartbreaking posts to understand that. I am not saying that every parent who is treated badly by their children did something to deserve it. It's hard to understand children who treat loving parents this way, and as a parent myself, I would be heartbroken if my kids did that. These posts are so sad, and unfortunately, have no easy solutions.

I want to say to everyone I truly am sorry for all of your pain. I also want to say after 5 long and hard years of strong boundaries and being true to myself. My son has been reaching out and has made some connections. He is coming for a visit and I am thankful. To top it all off he called me and informed me they are getting a divorce. The boy that I know and the one that knows who his parents really are is coming back. I have missed him and I am thankful her influence is gone. Stay strong and practice self care always.

I found this site, and reading these posts, really hit home for me. I have been feeling really down, depressed, and scared. Scared of "is this it". Will I lose my kids and grandkids for good this time. You see, I have been going through disrespect, by both my kids for years.

I want to say, my kids were my life. I was a stay-at-home. I loved being a mom. I worked so hard, to have my kids be whatever they wanted to be in life. I helped them every step of the way. I showed them great care and live. I was ALWAYS there for them.

Cont.)

When my kids went off to college, is when all my heartache began. Their friends were literally more important then me. My son now 32, met his now wife, in college. Right from the start, my husband saw that his now wife, didn't want anything to do with us. We were always very loving towards. I always hugged her. Complimented her on her crafts and cooking.

Yet, she did everything to distance my son from us.

Cont.)

Sorry, this is long. My husband & I have been going through this for 13 years. At their wedding, my husband & I was put in the very back row. We couldn't even see them up front. I was devastated. When I ask my son why, he gave a lame excuse. He thought we would like being by the food??? And this is a new tradition???? Things like this kept happening. Like, my son and his wife, walking clear off by themselves, having me walk by myself. Whether it was at a museum, zoo, etc. etc. Whenever I ask him why, he would say he doesn't remember.

Every so often, I come to this site and see that little has changed.I have had problems w/my daughter, and the only way to keep myself w/o pain was to separate from her. I have not seen her in 5 1/2 years. She has our only grandson and we are fortunate in that he is old enough to visit us w/o his parents. We are less (much less ) pained now. We have learned that separation from her has helped us heal. We cannot see the day that we will re-connect. Sending all of you my best wishes and hopes that you too find a solution to the pain, no matter how imperfect it may be.

My brother and I were never close, for several years we weren’t even civil to each other the few times we would be in the same place for family celebrations. I gave up trying a decade ago, but after my husband and I moved cross country to the same state my parents and also my brother and his family live in August of this year things seem to be changing. Is my brother suddenly making a ton of effort to have a better relationship with me? No, but he is making some, which is more than I can say about the many previous years (of which there were about 20).

Sometimes we have to surrender control of things to the creator and ask for the feeling of peace about the decision. Peace, not necessarily the outcome we wanted before giving over the control. In time, we might even get both.

I don’t know what the situation is with your brother; however, reconciliation takes two. It doesn’t mean tolerating abuse and sometimes trust is irrevocably damaged.

And patly is right naturewoman0123. We have to take care of ourselves and not tolerate the bad behavior of our children. It is what’s best for them. It is difficult to accept reality and to stop hoping (this isn’t really hope) anything will change. When you accept reality and disengage you can begin healing. It isn’t easy and it doesn’t happen overnight but joy is found again and you begin to accept children as a phase of your life, appreciate that and move on. You aren’t alone. It does get better.

He’s four almost five years older than I am, and from childhood there was nothing I wanted more than to have a big brother who looked out for me and was a friend. He didn’t want either, picked on me, and in general saw me as a pain in the neck who he was better off ditching. Still, I persisted in reaching out. Things have changed more recently, all I needed to do was be open to it.

Peace can come no matter whether there is reconciliation, it’s about letting go of what you cannot change - much like forgiveness isn’t for the person you’re forgiving, and it doesn’t require you to allow yourself to again be abused or otherwise harmed.

Thanks for responding. I saw this website and it seemed like this thread started years ago. So, I wasn't sure if it still is going. So, glad it is. I feels so good to not feel alone on this. Because, I started thinking it's me. It can drive you crazy, thinking it's us. At least for me. How kids can treat their mom, honestly shocks me. I was a 'good' stay at home mom. My kids are now very successful. I would like to think I was at least partly responsible for their success. My husband was some what strict, he spanked, and I talked to them about their behavior, when they were little. So, they had a great balance of both. My husband and I were very involved with them. I volunteered in their classrooms, my husband was their soccer coach. I was ALWAYS there for them. We d I d a lot of family trips. When they were older, I took road trips with them.

Jenna what you experienced is very different. And alienation is very different from estrangement. Forgiveness isn’t the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness takes one, reconciliation takes two. And you were children. What you’re described is normal stuff. I can’t really imagine holding that against him so long or having those expectations. Not the same thing at all. It’s wonderful you’re getting past it.

naturewoman0123 you have to stop blaming yourself, you probably did too much. My mother used to say, “ do they appreciate what you’re doing?”, if I said no she’d say “then stop doing!”. You deserve to be treated the way you treat her - with respect and dignity. Think of it as if your daughter was a heroin addict, would you give her heroin? Of course not! This is no different. It’s very hard. I struggle. I probably always will. But it gets easier. But boundaries - create them ahead of time so you’re not gobsmacked.

He was like that well into our adult years. Never so much as a thanks for the baby quilt I made each of his four children, nor the Christmas and birthday cards I sent, just silence.

Forgiveness isn’t reconciliation but acceptance that there are some things beyond our control as individuals follows a similar premise as forgiveness...you can be frustrated and angry that the person won’t reconcile or you can accept that they aren’t ready for that and maybe never will be.

Sorry Jenn but he sounds like a typical man. I would just stop making so much effort and lower my expectations. He’s likely been very busy with his kids and family. Not sure but it sounds like you don’t have children - it can be hard to understand how all consuming kids can be. This is very different than having a sister than runs a smear campaign behind your back for years, destroying your reputation and relationships, even to your own children after being welcomed into your life, contacting your narcissist ex to join forces with. Alienating your parents and sister. For no reason. So yes sometimes you can’t even have people in your life.

Hello everyone. I can't say enough how finding this site/thread has helped me to not feel alone on this. Seems, whenever I seek counseling or read online about this issue, I hear that 'there's two side's. Has anyone heard this before?

I just couldn't understand their reasoning. I gave examples. Like, how my dil never wanted my husband and I around. When we did everything to make her feel welcomed and always hugged her. She always a awful look on her face. When my son first met her, and they became serious, I drove 2 1/2 hours to meet her parents, and take my now dil to lunch and shopping. My son ask us if we would be there for the birth of their first child. My husband and I was so happy. It was around Grandparents day. They lived far away, and we bought tickets. Then, each day that passed, his wife put up obstacles. First, we were staying with them. Then a hotel. Which is fine. Finally, it seemed nothing worked for her to keep us away, my son said 'they needed to bound with their baby's. What does that mean? We shouldn't come? It worked. Sadly. They had two more kids, that turned out the same. We were blocked from being there. For no reason, but to drive us out of their lives Who does this? How can my son allow this?

Naturewoman0123 forget it. Sometimes it only takes one. Plenty of times in this pathologically selfish society we live in. Counselors are woefully untrained in personality disorders on the sociopathic spectrum. That being said I would try a more flexible approach- many don’t want visitors right after the baby is born. Wait six months and then try and make plans. Let her choose the time. Husband and wife come first, then children. That frequently doesn’t leave a lot of time for parents. Something happened. For your dil to go from having you as guests in her home to hotel to not at all, something happened. Boundaries were crossed.

The mister and I are foster parents.

Giving birth is exhausting and emotionally challenging, sometimes even somebody who has experienced it can put their foot in their mouth however unintentionally. Consider having a conversation with your son asking for you to do a ‘reset’ on the relationship with his wife - what are her grievances, does physical showing of affection bother her, what ways can you demonstrate that you want to make things right. Starting this discussion with your son is key, right now your DIL is playing by the unspoken rule that a spouse is responsible for standing up to their parents on behalf of the other - no matter how ridiculous or minor the issue that the other spouse has raised a stink over. Listen to all that is said in response, without interjecting any rationalizations, or raising the specter of blame. Even if you feel that the DIL is at fault, if the goal of being able to see your grandkids is important to you, you will need to bite your tongue and keep criticism of her actions or parenting to yourself. If you cannot, you will need to accept that there will be no reconciliation possible. Trying to figure out why and how your son can allow this to be will only upset you more and more, because he can do it and doesn’t have to give you any explanation (he may have told you already and feels now that you didn’t hear him so he has ceased trying).

When my SIL was allowing her parents to spend more time with the grandkids even on days that had previously been arranged for my parents to see them, my mom brought it to my brother’s attention and he was the one who resolved the situation. It doesn’t matter how great my Mom's relationship with my SIL is, taking the problem to my brother was the way to ensure that their relationship continues to be great. When things have already headed down a path on the wrong foot, a thoughtful, carefully approached reset can make a real difference. Whether or not it ultimately succeeds, at least you can take comfort in the knowledge that you tried.

As much as I hate children being used as pawns in a parent’s vendetta, something I see a lot of being a family law attorney, I recognize the value in taking steps to remove the ‘reward’ that the person gets - even if that means playing the game. Unfortunately, if your DIL won’t share the rules for your son to relay to you on how she expects you to behave in order to see your grandchildren, there is no counter-move on this.

Thank you TheCatholicGirl for your response. I guess what made it hard, was because my son ask us if we could fly up and be there. We didn't invite ourselves. We bought the tickets, after my son invited us. That was 7 years ago. Since then, they had two more sons. She didn't want us there either. Not even to watch their other child. Nothing happen to make my d.I.l.. act like that. So, I don't know what happen. Perhaps, my son wanted it, but not her. My husband and I have always welcomed her from day one. I was very happy to have a d.I.l. I always hugged her hello and good bye's. So, nothing happen ever between us. Like I said in my previous message, no boundaries were crossed. My son ask my husband and I to be there. We were just so happy to have been invited.

These adult children have not yet cultivated a conscience. As a senior citizen pondering holiday memories, I wonder if God truly wants me to keep out. Who knows why? Divorce, deaths, poor parenting, ok, so I failed. Tough rocks I guess, for all involved.

Whether you feel something happened to cause a rift in the relationship you have with your son and DIL or not, clearly your DIL and son feel differently. As adults, they are within their rights to form their own opinions and decide how to address issues. Marriage joins two people and it is extremely difficult for the relationship to be held together if the couple allows outside parties (parents, in laws, friends, former romantic partners) to dictate things. The couple is supposed to build their life as one unit that works together as a team to overcome all problems and approach all things.

Perhaps your DIL was very stressed at the birth of their first son and afterwards, and having your son inviting people at that point just stressed her out more. Your relationship with her seems like it was already strained, and then suddenly she was put in the position of having guests to worry about after going through labor and delivery! Between then and the subsequent children being born she likely had a long talk with your son, her husband, and the decision to not go through the same stressful situation was made. It doesn’t require the guests to invite themselves to make having visitors feel like a bit of an imposition and their presence to add to the workload. Before children, did you visit and expect there to be a lot of host involvement - meals, accommodations, activities to keep you entertained? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? And after giving birth, what would you feel if you were your DIL?

@deville

No parent is perfect, and it’s sad that your child(ren) haven’t realized that in order to experience the peace that comes from forgiveness of your imperfections. Sometimes it takes seeing this modeled before they can contemplate how much benefit there is for them to do the same.

naturewoman0123 From this, it sounds like your dil was not consulted. Bad, bad move on your sons part. This happened to me in my husbands very Italian family. I was not used to this at all. I am Irish & this sort of thing doesn’t happen. To this day I don’t think any of them “get” I wasn’t upset about them visiting but that I wanted to be involved in the planning as I would be the hostess, I worked full time, had three children (he had two, so there were 5 all together that I was taking care of, it was a second marriage for me, his third). No amount of talking would make them understand. This was an extraordinarily dysfunctional family. People bring all sorts of things to the table that you have no control over. People are selfish. Men really detach. I was kind of horrified at my husbands response with his parents. But men typically at the first sign of problem just disengage. My mil was using me to manipulate and triangulate so I disengaged from talking about the grandchildren (we lost custody due to many false accusations so I couldn’t have them in the home any longer so she had her reasons however one sided and wrong they were she decided I was to blame). DILs do this too. Lots of unhappy people do. This is toxic. It’s also not good for the grandchildren to circumvent the parents. Children should respect their parents, circumventing the parents teaches disrespect. All that being said I would contact your dil and talk to her ask her if you hurt her. And then give her some time to think about it.

Deville04 we live in an incredibly selfish culture. I believe God want us to unite these sufferings with His. Think of how many reject God? Think how Jesus felt in the agony in the garden with the abandonment and betrayal. Rest in the heart and love of Jesus. Life is short we discount the importantance of redemptive suffering in our culture. The world needs it.

My husband’s siblings didn’t acknowledge our relationship for years because we were living together without being married, then suddenly once we ‘made it official’ we were invited to celebrate the holidays - I left the decision up to my husband and he decided to decline in favor of continuing to join my family. I think part of this decision was due to their response to the news about our being foster parents (they asked why we wanted to take on someone else’s problems!) but also the rejection of our relationship so long as it failed to meet their specified religious rules. A marriage requires give and take from both people, but without participation and involvement of each person in situations big and small - you have a recipe for disaster!

@TheCatholicGirl

I have to disagree that men detach at the first sign of problems - everyone has a dysfunctional family, it’s in the degree to which the dysfunction extends that we see the differences. Maybe it’s because my husband’s parents passed away before we even met each other - thus removing a potential cause from the pile of possibilities leading to relationship strain - but he prefers to face any problem together with me, and this makes it easier for me to steer away from acting on my instinct to detach so as to deal with an issue on my own. Where I have weaknesses he provides strength, where he has weaknesses I give him strength.

Patly.I use to ask myself, all the time, am I just overly sensitive. I would drive myself crazy, doubting myself. I think because the bad behavior was so bad, that I would keep asking myself, if I'm too sensitive, why?? What I finally realized, was since this behavior has been going on for 13 years, then something 'similar' happens once again, and I get crushed, once again. Because, it brings back all the pain I went through, all those years. After awhile, I wished I could of spoken up, when it happens. I think point is, I'm exhausted.

I too would have anxiety, panic attacks, just thinking of a upcoming visit. My stomach would get upset & can't sleep. It has been like this, for 13 years. It shouldn't be like this. Patly,do you have other kids?

Patly&TheCatholicGirl, you both have such insight on these issues. You both would make great counselors. TheCatholicGirl, my d.i.l. is also very mean/disrespectful towards her mom. Her brother don't really see/speak to her. Not seeing my son and especially my 3 GRANDSONS, are a very sad, scary thing for me. But, I have gone through this for 13 years. I feel I've wasted those years on being very depressed, not functioning in my life. I went on sleeping pills, anxiety, & Prozac. It just bothers me so much that, the fact is it was so bad, I had to go on 'drugs', because I couldn't cope with the bad treatment, from my son & daughter expressed to me. It got so bad, I had thoughts of ending my life. I'm not feeling that now. But, just to think, all this, because of my adult kids behaviors. I had thoughts, while driving, I wanted to crash into a car. Which was terrible to think that way. Hurting other drivers. Point is, that's how much it hurt. It got so bad, I felt I needed to tell my 28 year old daughter. NOT for attention. I just needed help. It is quite scary, if anyone has had these thoughts. What hurt me even more, my daughter (which to me it sounded), cold. She said she couldn't help me. I told her, I just don't know what to do. (she's in the medical field). I don't know how a daughter can be so cold. I'm being very honest and truthful here. I know now to never trust her with that innermost feeling I have inside. Like, I mentioned, I'm not a drama queen or seeking attention.

Naturewoman0123 Thank you. It makes me feel good if I can help someone. Actually helps me too. I went through the same things! Sucidal thoughts, anxiety, insomnia (especially before visits) etc... These are red flags. Huge. These contacts are toxic. You aren’t doing this to yourself. Sometimes I get mad at myself for wasting all the time being depressed, I still had a son to raise too. Not fair to him. But it’s shocking and not something you get over overnight. I found help understanding listening to YouTube videos on personality disorders. I found one recently that is the best yet, who’s channel name is “The Little Shaman Healing”. We also moved and I have really tried some radical self care along with redirecting my attention other places like volunteer work. I accepted reality my kids didn’t want me in my life and respected that. Don’t share with them either or try and work things out with them. Everything you say and do will be used against you to justify their behavior. Moving across the country really helped with ending their manipulation (they didn’t live in the same state/country anymore but would see my ex, my sister, mom etc... for holidays and call me at last minute as they were leaving town - very abusive and manipulative meant to rub my face in it and make sure I knew to hurt me. Interestingly enough when I cut off contact with my family this behavior slowed down a good bit). And laugh. Try to laugh. Watch funny videos/movies, read a good book. Gratitude. Focus on the things your grateful for. Hang in there. You’re not alone. You’ll get through this. It’s been over 15 years and zi feel like I’m coming out a better person. How does the saying go? When you’re walking through hell, keep walking! Merry Christmas!

More on redemptive suffering please. News to me.

Deville04 - this explains it far better than I can, http://www.ewtn.com/v/experts/showmessage.asp?number=357516

Wow! What a meaty bit of info, going to take a few times to read over and hopefully understand, thank you for sharing. TRUE Redemption is the answer to share God's heavenly reward. What proved to me that there is God and true repentance is needed, was a visitation from my deceased friend, not a vivid dream, Lasted maybe 10 seconds at 3 AM, 2 years ago. No one has to ever convince me me God is everywhere, miracles happen, and there is a purpose for everyone. Try to maintain a pure heart and follow the 10 Commandments, not so easy today.

Deville04 yes! No eye has seen, no ear heard and no mind imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him.

I feel like tattooing that verse on my arm to repeat everyday. Thank you for spark plugging this site.

naturewoman1023, She is our only child. I guess what I learned was: lessen the pain, and move on. There can't be a perfect solution, because we are not perfect people. It hurts me to see the pain so many parents are enduring in this forum. I don't have the advantage of perfection nor religion so what other paths do I have here? Sometimes you just have to move on.

patly in moving on and being happy you are doing the best possible thing for your daughter.

Hello everyone. Hope everyone had a nice Christmas. I was alone on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and probably will be on New Years Eve/Day. My husband works. I thought it was going to be depressing, but I actually felt at Peace.

I want to say thanks for everyone's input and sharing your own stories, on this very painful issue. Again, I think you all, can be great counselors. Because, the counselors I had, weren't very helpful. I think those that have gone through this, can relate therefore be very helpful.

I know for me, each time I went through another episode, the pain was deeper. Honestly, it's hard not to doubt myself. Wondering if it's just me. That I'm too sensitive. My counselor told me to 'protect' myself. Whenever I ask her, 'how', 'in what way'. She never responded. TheCatholicGirl' you should be a Counselor. I felt really bad that I had thoughts of not wanting to be alive anymore. Glad I'm not alone on that. I get mad at myself for going to that dark place.

what if they want you but not really you but what you can do for them? i'd rather have them not want contact than to use me....

TheCatholicGirl, when I first found this site, I tried to read as much as I can on these posts. To get to know everyone better. I get mad at myself as well, when I get depressed over my kids. I blame myself, that I don't take care of myself. Yes, I agree, if I get so down like I do then I need to 'protect' myself. That's what I'm doing right now. What I do now is not be that involved with my kids. By doing that, does help me, but I know I won't be that involved with my grandsons as a result. I just don't know any other way right now. I have tried and tried, for 13 years. My son is not a strong person, he couldn't talk to his wife.

I agree Zippity1. I know I'm always hearing stories where adult kids, only want you in their lives, only for what you can do for them. I know my coworker lives with her daughter and her husband. She works, around their work schedules. She watches up to four grandkids. Takes and picks them up from school. One, maybe more, has special needs. On top of that, she gives them $1400/month for rent. My coworker and her husband lives in their basement.

I hear stories like this all the time. Makes me wonder, what would happen if my coworker and husband moved away....My husband & I moved out of state. I'm glad now I did.

Zippity- stop doing stuff for them. Just say, "I'm sorry, I can't do that any more," every time they ask, and keep repeating it every time they ask. Don't give reasons and don't engage in conversations about it.

Patly, I agree. Sometimes, there just isn't a perfect solution. Often, when I'm protecting myself, I always question myself afterwards. I love what you said. "There's not any perfect solution, as we aren't perfect". I'm so sorry, you had to go through this with your only child. Was it five years since any contact?

I just think, if we as mom's tried our best, but the results are always the same, well we should know we did do our best. Perhaps, it's time to let go. Maybe, they'll come back to us in time. Meanwhile, we do need to get on with our lives. That's what I'm always wanting to do. I have so many things I want to do. But, over the years, there always seem to be something happening.

My son always does what she tells him to do. Which I sort of understand. Here's a few examples:

1. We all were going on a kayak/camping trip. (at least I thought that was the plan). But, my son and his wife were acting really strange. They weren't speaking to one another. Therefore, the trip was ruined. They went off on their own. We drove 600 miles for this trip where they lived.

2. We made plans to drive up and spend some time with them. 350 Miles. Called and my son never answered. It was a 3 day trip. On the last day, my son finally answered. This happen a couple of times. The 2nd time, told our son we were coming. But, this time we never heard from my son. We dropped off some luggage we bought for our son. We just sat it by their door. It's not like we see them much.

3. Once my son was down for a college break. My son, daughter and I went to the drive in. Right when the movie started, she called. He stepped out to talk. I didn't really have an issue with that. Just, she does this all the time. Once, my husband, daughter, and I visited my son, My son planned it. His now wife, was working. We had so much fun, but he had to rush. So, he can back to his now wife, by the time she gets home. We didn't even get to eat. I hated that we had to rush.

4. Another trip planned by my son. We were site seeing around San Francisco. We had to rush so fast, that I fell down trying to keep up with him. My husband helped me up. My son didn't even sound concerned. It was like, he was rushing me to get going. It is always like that. Rushing. I'm a pretty fast walker to.

Colleen, I completely agree with what you said to Zippity. I think sometimes you have to 'test' them & to see if they care. Because, unfortunately adult kids do 'use' their parents. I always thought, that if your adult kids really care, they wouldn't ask their parents for help. This is just how I feel. Unless, it's an emergency. I think it's my strict upbringing. I don't understand why adult kids, don't realize that it's their parents time to have fun, enjoy their retirement or just time for themselves.

Being 69 years old and not feeling it, from my adult children, I know that we as parents need affirmation that we have been around the block a few times and know stuff. Saying that, demanding parental respect, getting REAL love and not feeling like a stain on toilet paper is not TOO MUCH TO ASK from them. I really feel sorry for these people being used. Good response, 'Can't do this anymore'. Time is running out, yes, it's time for us to be selfish, thank you! If they shut you out with this, then you have your answer.

naturewoman0123 Yes, we have had NO contact in 5+ years. After I got over the shock, my dh and I felt better and better as time went by, not that I have't wished for some contact but I know better than to reconnect. It would be more of the same old hard feelings.I don't have that many years left, so I finally cut the umbilical cord. :-)

deville04 I like that word respect. Where is that word nowadays? I rarely see it used. Another word that is missing from our society is shame. Another long forgotten word. Thanks for the reminder.

"Respect" fell by the wayside when the younger generation decided that anyone who was to be respected had to EARN that respect, that it wasn't enough to respect someone because they were older, or in a position of respect such as a doctor teacher, police officer etc. Sadly, too, there have been too many well publicised cases of people such as doctors, teachers, police officers etc, being revealed to be corrupt or just incompetent, which taints the rest.

I tell the younger ones, you don't have to actually respect those in charge, but you do have to treat them respectfully. This is the hallmark of civilised people, that they treat each other respectfully.

They don’t know what respect is. You respect those that are older, wiser, that have sacrificed, you listen and learn whether you want to or not. You respect especially your mother - I don’t care is she’s a crack whore, you respect her. Period. The problem is they respect the virtuous and good least of all because they call them to a higher level of being. They resent that. This is a generation without morals, integrity or character. Misery awaits and they’ve created it.

So glad I found this site, it is 5am and still not able to sleep. I have three boys that I was raising by myself, until I remarried. It was hard raising those boys by myself, some days I went without eating so they could have seconds. I always made sure they had everything they needed and about half of what they wanted. My middle son was always obsessed over money. Every Christmas he would count how many presents each one got and what the value of the presents were. I never understood that. After I remarried, he got worse. Let's call him Mike. Mike hated my husband, I guess that's natural. My hubby works hard at a job he's had over 20 years, and has kept his cool with Mike which hasn't been easy. Mike became so hateful toward me that he got in my face like he was going to hit me, and then took off. He wanted to go live with his dad, and after that behavior I figured I had taught him all I could. Just hope he remembers some of the things I taught him about how you treat others, and being the best you can. He was 17, and during his stay with his dad he called me in the middle of the night to come get him because his dad beat the crap out of him. I wanted to rush down there and get him but I had to remind him that it was a 4 hour drive and it would take me awhile to get there. His response, "just forget it then" and hung up. He didn't talk to me for a year. Over the years I have found out that my ex (Mike's father) told Mike stories about me. Hateful mean untrue stories that my son believed, and still believes. My ex is an alcoholic, which caused a lot of problems in our marriage and eventually we divorced because of his hatefulness. Now I'm seeing my ex in Mike.

My ex retired, not sure how he gets retirement when he wasn't working. I got a letter and card from child enforcement saying I had child support...Mike is now 30. He moved closer so he could be by his daughter (they never married). Mike lost his job, yet again because late/missed work days. He goes out to the bar a few times a week. He was off work for 2 months, his bills went unpaid and his electric was shut off. This was in Oct and Nov 2017, when I found out he had no heat I said he could stay with us. Even though he and hubby never really got along, but they hit it off pretty well. I helped son pay his bills while he looked for a job, got his electric back on. Then he started working again (heating and cooling) so I filled his gas tank a few times, bought groceries, and paid his trash bill. Even went over and cleaned his house he was renting. I had cleaned out my savings account helping him, over $1000. Thanksgiving came and everything was going good, then he went to visit his dad. He has been calling me and my husband nasty names and demanding that I give him the child support every month or he is out of my life. He tells everyone how horrible I am. It's like a light switch, I never know what mood he's in. Now he has blocked me and my husband on Facebook, and won't talk to me. Christmas was so hard, not seeing him. I sent the gifts with the only person he still talks to...my oldest son. Mike didn't want me to see my grand daughter at Christmas, but thankfully I get along with my grand daughter's mom. We live close to each other and I get to see my grand daughter often, my grand daughter and I love spending time together.

This pain from the hatefulness and rejection is taking it's toll on me. It's hard sleeping and eating. At Christmas I sent a text to him saying Merry Christmas, I love you! He won't answer if I call, and I'm afraid to go to his house by myself. He has a mean streak when he's mad. So not sure what to do. Give him space and hope some day he comes back to me, or give in and pay him money every month. It's so hard going through this, I love all my boys so very much! My other 2 boys are helping me to try to stay happy (telling silly jokes, hugs, anything to make me smile). My oldest still has a relationship with Mike, but don't speak often due to work. I asked my oldest to give Mike his presents and not to say anything about me that would upset Mike. I want them to have a good relationship. My youngest wants nothing to do with Mike, he has seen Mike treat so many people badly. Sorry this is so long, and thanks for reading.

Sue Hicks This is my story almost exactly. My kids are successful and financially independent though. I think. They may be getting money from the outlaws. Also my family got involved with my sister being the co-narc with my ex and turning my family into her flying monkeys. The main target was my oldest daughter, who is now 31, I kicked her out in anger at 17 due to her abuse and her brother at the same age for the same reason. I continued to try and work it out with them. Big mistake. It’s only gotten worse. My oldest alienated the two younger ones, now 24 and 29. It creeps up on you because it’s happening behind your back. I wonder how they get them to keep the secrets? I mean if someone said something horrible about your parent, wouldn’t you want to hear their side? They contact me off and on but I have come to the conclusion that it’s bad. They are disrespectful at best. A relationship with your kids shouldn’t feel bad all the time. I am going no contact. It’s sad. Raising children is a part of our history - at the end they have a choice to make. Like we all do. It’s not your fault. Be happy. Don’t let people in your life that abuse you, even if it’s your children. The hardest part for me has been realizing my kids aren’t nice people. At all.

Sue, do not give Mike any money. If you have to pay someone to be in a relationship with them it is not worth it.

I don’t understand the “child support” issue. Do you receive child support? From whom? Is it back paid having been owed when your children were smaller? In any case, the child support was to raise your children, which you did. You owe Mike nothing, and you’ve already given him everything you had, so he’s had his lot.

No one needs someone in their lives who is mean and nasty and belittles them. Even though he’s your son, he’s toxic, and you can’t fix him. He needs to want to fix himself and it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen any time soon.

Leave him alone, and if he mends his ways and comes back, fine. But if he stays away and as a consequence doesn’t give you grief, that’s fine too.

Mike's baby momma is going to go to court for child support and asking a lot more than what he was paying. Honestly I think it's actually going to court through child support enforcement. He called me asking for my thoughts (this is what sent him over the edge and won't talk to me). I told him she has every right to ask for more child support and before I could finish he hung up on me. So I sent the rest in a text (and you have every right to ask for a reasonable amount). He said I was taking her side, and I replied no I'm taking my grand daughters side...you two need to work this out. Yesterday, Mike verbally attacked one of my friends on Facebook because she gets child support and when I said something to him he attacked me too. He said I am a thief and scandalous. He told me to write off the child support I was getting as paid, but if I did that Mike would never see a dime. At least when I get it, I was helping him pay bills. I had planned on just giving him the money every month to help him, but before I could do that he walked away from family. I guess I will save money for him. I don't want him to think it's ok to treat people badly to get what you want. I love him so very much, and am trying to still do the right thing for him...but it's so hard being the object of his hate. Last year over the holidays we all got along great, played cards had fun, but even then I never knew what to expect from him. One time everything is great, then next everything wrong in his life is my fault. I just want to be a part of his life and to help where I can...hope he lets me back in.

colleenoz: Mike's dad never paid court ordered child support (through our divorce). I did get some when Mike was about 6 for a few months then he quit his job. He told Mike that I took my check to the bar and spent it there. I didn't drink and didn't have time to go to a bar. At that time I was working and going to trade school so I could get a better job. So the child support I get now is all back pay from when son was younger. He feels it's to be paid to him, and I told him that it is to be paid to me, my ex's share of raising our son.

So the child support you’re getting now is back pay? Well, in essence when you paid all your children’s expenses and gave up food for them, you were advancing your ex a loan on child support which he is now paying back. You owe Mike NOTHING- he’a already received it. And you are in no way obligated to pay child support for Mike’s child- he did that all by himself.

Loving someone does not mean enabling them to behave badly. In fact, that is the worst thing you can do to someone you love. Loving someone means wanting them to be the best person they can be, even if you have to be tough with them to teach the lessons. Don’t enable Mike any more.

colleenoz excellent advice. Thanks.

So I have a question for y’all. My three kids have been gaslighting me for years. I got rid of almost everything of theirs after years of hanging onto it. I created a photo album and a small memory box for each one of them. My middle came and picked it up when I asked him before I moved. I’m going to ship his to my youngest. My oldest daughter is refusing to give me her address. Should I just toss it? I need to get rid of the stuff for both space and mental health.

Give it to one of her siblings to hold for her.

Thanks sushipup1, that’s a really good idea. I’ll do that. Now one more question. I assembled the photo albums for my sons but not my daughter as I had to stop quickly when my husbands job offer came in. Should I put them in an album for her or just give them to her loose?

I think I would do the same as for the others. While she may not seem very interested in having it, if she does collect it and find hers isn’t as good as the others, you can be sure she’ll let anyone who listens know all about it for years to come. Don’t give her the ammunition.

Yes, you’re right. I will just have to offer it up. Thank you.

What is wrong with these kids? It’s not just this generation either. My sister was like this, still is and she is 65 years old.

They all need a good spanking and put to bed without any weed!

Ha ha pretty sure my sister isn’t smoking weed

Hi all. I am having a problem with finding this thread. Does anyone have advice when one adult child sticks up for the other. Example: when one does awful things to a mom (me), and the other adult child either makes excuses for the actions by the other adult child. I have gone through such bad disrespect by my son and his wife. I have always been a push-over I guess. I was the one that would talk to my kids, when they were growing up. My husband spanked them. I have gone through such horrible disrespect for 13 years.

My husband never did much about their disrespecting ways, when they became adults. He never told me why. I thought it was because of his stressful job. I found out recently, he was afraid of hitting my adult son. He said he grew up with bad fighting like that, as adults. So, I guess my kids got awAy with that. I just don't understand why my adult daughter, doesn't speak up to my son, when he and his wife does things, so bad. Any advice? I tried talking to my daughter, calmly. She always just gets mad at me for bringing things up and then won't talk to me. She tells me it's too stressful.

After disrespect for a long period, it's time to draw the line. For your own sake and self respect. For sometimes the children blame the opposite parent for not stopping the others bad parenting. Whatever the long past reason, tell them time is running out for all. Some things can't be fixed, I know.

Don't involve your daughter. It's not her fight. Yes, it would be nice if she took your part and told her brother off, but clearly she has opted for the passive part and that's her decision. You're making her the meat in the sandwich and she finds it stressful.

Don't interact with your son. Toxic relationships are not worth pursuing.

Right on with that toxic advice.

Why does it seem like the only advice being considered worthwhile is advice that agrees with the view that the majority has been mistreated for no good reason and without cause.

True observation. The pain and loathing should stop before all is .........finish this for me.

Because blame is rarely all on one party or the other. But unless BOTH parties are willing to examine their own actions and accept their own contribution to a relationship failure, work on changing the attitude that led to their hurting the other person, accept the apology of the other person and be willing to move on, it can't be fixed so it ultimately won't matter who was "right" and who was "wrong". Better in that case to draw a line under the relationship and call it quits.

Because it’s a thing that happens frequently and that’s what this forums about.

Collenoz this is rarely true and never true with people with personality disorders. Pretending that it’s both peoples fault is dismissive and no different than telling a woman that’s been beaten within an inch of her life that she provoked her husband. It’s not helpful and enabling abusive behavior. Frequently one party needs to recognize its them and only them. And the other party needs to learn to say no to the abuse. Not only is your comment not helpful, it’s harmful.

Naturewoman0123 you can’t force people to do things. It would be nice and I think it’s the right thing for her to do - at least telling him to stop if it happens in front of her but she won’t.

I didn't say the blame was NEVER all on one side, CatholicGirl. But when you say "...the other party needs to learn to say no to the abuse", in a way you agree with me. Because in essence, it says if the abused party stops to examine his/her contribution to the relationship failure, the answer would be "I stay", or "I put up with it". Realising this is key, because then the answer is "Leave", or "Don't put up with it."

And, I don't think that's harmful, do you?

Sometimes (in fact, I suspect most times) one side's contribution is merely to be there. Sometimes it's fuelling the fire- engaging when the other party wants to argue and be generally unpleasant. Sometimes it's giving off "vulnerable" vibes to a potential abuser which attracts them. It isn't always consciously done and it isn't always deliberate. Often, if it is identified and dealt with, it stops the cycle dead in its tracks.

Ok Colleen I agree

Thanks for all that has responded. I'm going to go back and get caught up on posts. Please excuse me if I ever repeat myself. This is all so exhausting. Plus, a woman I care for, is dying. I'm caring for her, helping to be as comfortable as possible. Also, my dog will have to be put to sleep.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but once I was going through all this with my kids, I had thoughts of killing myself. I imaged doing it. It became intense. I told my husband. Then, told my kids. My daughter just said, she can't help me. I have to help myself. I was so devastated. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to tell my Dr. Recently, she told me his she is a 'compassionate' person. With people. I couldn't help to say, (in the nicest way possible). Where was her compassion with me.

My daughter was visiting my son. She witnessed his wife talk down to him. (she's like that). My daughter & son took a drive. She ask him 'why he allows that'. It upset her so much, she had to tell me. She, I feel, she hasn't showed me any if that compassion. Which right now, I'm really hurt & sad. It's like now, I have nothing more to say to her. I'm lost. I just told her, I love her. But, being in contact with both my kids, is too painful. I guess, I just leave things alone. I have tried talking, explaining this to my kids. But, I don't think there's any improvements. I ask my daughter to tell me how she feels, what she thinks about what I've said. But, she stays quite. Which hurts me. When things don't go 'her way', she goes away. I think my kids only want me around, when I keep quite. I basically always did that. My mistake. Do you think my 32 son and 28 daughter, will always be like this! Thanks all

You really need to let it go and detach. Live your life. Find other things to focus on. Allow yourself to grieve these other things. Make changes in your life to help you do this. Put it God’s hands. Don’t tolerate disrespect but don’t expect them to pull you through this. Your kids are not your peers. This would be a lot to expect from anyone. If you can’t afford professional help look into things offered in your area. Call social services.

How do we promote self reliance? Anyone remember this archaic method? Common denominator, blame anger, fear. Could this be our penance for screwing up things in life? I sometimes ponder these questions.

TheCatholicGirl. You really would make a good counsellor. Everything you said is great advice. That's what I'm trying to do now. I think coming here is the best place to be. Since, we all are in the same boat. I forgot, or can't find your posts on your situation. Care to share, so I will see where you're coming from?

I'm actually not doing too bad. I feel almost at peace with it all. Working helps A LOT. But, the woman I was working with, just passed away. I now am unemployed. Work made me happy and I DIDN'T have time to think of my estrangement with my kids. So, it's back to the drawing board. I have 4 dogs. I actually adopted all of them, when I was going through all of this, few years back. One I will have to put to sleep soon. So, I basically just have been wanting to crawl into bed. Hard to handle all this at once.

TheCatholicGirl. I believe my daughter has a "Personality Disorder". We talked about this once. She actually told me. Then she went to Cousellung. She's on Antidepressants. Perhaps, this could be the contributing factor? I WASN'T quite sure what was wrong with her at first. Then she volunteered this information. It was something she felt was wrong in her personality. COULD explain some of her behaviours.

partly, once you realized YOU had to 'cut the cord', how long did it take to eat, SLEEP, do housework, do all those fun things, and exercise? Are you glad you made that break, as hard as it was to make that decision. You have yet had your kids want to try again? Expressed anything close to missing YOU?

One time my husband & I met up with our son in San Francisco. All of us toured the area via the Bart and bus service. For some reason my son was walking SO FAST, we COULD hardly keep up. Then I fell down really hard on the sidewalk. My son just stood there and did nothing. My husband helped me up. Later, I ASK my husband why did he feel our son had to rush. He said probably had to get back to his wife. She does that all the time. Makes sure he gets back quickly. Once, we were at the drive in. Right when the movie started, she just had to call, and my son had to step out of the car to answer and talk to her. That's when they were dating.

Another time, my son, daughter and I was ST a place where the sunset was gorgeous, overlooking the Bay and Golden Gate Bridge. We were just set to take pictures, then again she called my son.

Hello all. Bare with me as I pop in with my thoughts of the day. It really helps to have a place to let it out.

Another time, but this time it was my son, his wife, first grandson, and I. We went up to a 'Apple Farm'. We went to the zoo there. While my son took his son to look at some goats. His wife and I was just standing off to the side. I always go to her to talk, but she always leaves, walks away. Then we all continued on. They walked SO FAR ahead of me, I couldn't even see them. I walked alone. How can anyone, let alone your son, do this? Then when we all sat down to eat, they both didn't speak to me, let alone look at me. I was so uncomfortable, I took my grandson for a walk. Things like this happens all the time.

Stop this abuse now. They are using your grandson as a hostage of your feelings. Untold damage is being done to all here. Sorry.

This is so hard, so hard to explain. My story is complicated and simple. It’s one of parental alienation, personality disorders, pathological jealousy, scapegoating and evil. People choose these roads. They have a choice and they’ve made the choice of betrayal and selfishness. Sad. It’s a story as old as time, dating back to Cain and Able. It’s dreary and sadly, not unique. As hard as this is, I realized this was about me letting go, demanding respect and willing to say goodbye to all not willing to give it. As an act of love, not revenge. It is not a straight trajectory nor is it anything I will recover from, it is simply the reality I must accept. My kids seem to keep tabs on me. Interestingly I am finding that as I gain more acceptance that in my detachment I can interact with them in a much healthier way because I am not desperate. My desperation was a downward spiral. In my case this was partly the long drawn out nature of the alienation spanning 13 years in my home. You cannot recover from abuse you’re enduring everyday under your own roof. It’s been a few years and I’m doing much better.

Catholic.g., thank you for sharing. You're right, I reached that point now. I went through all this, for 13 years. I should of not let it go on for so long. How, when I realized I have to not continue living my life this way, was just recently. It just came to me.

I took a look at my life, and said I need to change it. I give this advice to many moms, yet didn't take it myself. I think when you know it's time, it just comes to you. Then, surprisingly, it doesn't hurt as bad. It always hurt me so bad, I was a mess. I couldn't even pick up the pieces of my life. Gee, I didn't even want to live, without them in my life. But, I feel different this time. You say because of your strength, moving on with your life, you can have some type of relationship with your kids now?

Catholic.g I think I'm too afraid of getting hurt again. So, I'm afraid I will always be afraid. Then, I never will see them again, out of me being to afraid of any contact. Maybe, one day I won't.

My relationship with my sons seems to be getting better; however, they didn’t engage in the horrific betrayals my daughter did. The worse their behavior, the harder their recovery. Which is why putting up with it is doing them no favors. It deepens their shame. With Gods grace I’ve been able to put it in His hands and find purpose in my grief. You can never get back time lost. It will never be undone. You can’t fix this. My relationship with my kids will never be what it could have been. I expect nothing and that’s really no relationship at all. Ultimately, I realized I would rather be alone than treated poorly. I have good days and bad days, the good days slowly begin to outnumber the bad days. Fake it until you make it but I don’t put up with crap from my kids anymore. If they give me any, I give them Hell. Practice self care. You’re worthy of being treated worthwhile. Let them know that with your attitude. You can’t fake that though. Take break. Get mentally healthy.

I am going through a really hard bit right now. It’s not getting over it, it’s accepting you won’t, it’s knowing will always be hurt by it and accepting that reality. Then you can detach. Doesn’t mean you won’t shed any more tears. It doesn’t mean you won’t be hurt. I’m probably not making sense. I couldn’t have done this without prayer and an eye on the cross and Heaven. Hang in there.

Try to keep in mind God may want us to be where we wont beg for someones love. He works on his time table. To make God laugh, tell him we want to plan tomorrow!

True. And I realized this was more about me. That God was using this to make my heart better and bring me closer to Him. Me becoming a better person. That’s all we can control.

TheCatholicGirl. I know exactly how you are feeling. Have you been able to find any peace inside you? When you start feeling that pain and unsettled feeling inside, how long does it last for you? What things do you do that may help you, even if a little relief? That's the hardest thing, is finding what works, even if it's just a day. Just any relief helps. Then we can take it from there, and keep doing more things that helps. I know for me, coming here reading and posting helps. Not feeling alone on this issue, really helps a lot. How are you doing now?

TheCatholicGirl, you are exactly right in what you said in your last post. It's accepting that this is one's life now, life without your kids and grandkids. The scary part of knowing you may never see your loved ones again. Is terrorizing. I think crying helps. For me, I hid out, instead of reaching out. I become paralyzed. Just wanting to curl up in bed. I've had a very bad couple of weeks. A lot of things, beyond my doing, has happen all at once.

I keep repeating to myself, 'and this too, soon will past'. I remember once my mom said, she wished she didn't have kids. I thought to myself, 'that seems cold to say that'. But, I now think I understand better. Then I start thinking it may be true for my life as well. I think about what my life could of been without having kids. I could of had a career, instead of being a ' stay at home mom'. I could of avoided all this pain, all these years.

TheCatholicGirl. I had my last fallout with my son and his wife a year and a half ago. July 2016. I told my husband, after all my grief, that it felt different this time. What it was, I no longer can tolerate that disrespect anymore. I took 13 years of it. I can't no more. My son use to always say, his wife and him will try harder. But, it never changed. I use to partly blame myself for perhaps being 'too sensitive'. I found I was driving myself crazy. Wondering, 'is it me'? I just feel having peace inside, would be so great. To know I did everything I could do, to hold on. This goes for my daughter as well. I hope for a miracle, but I know I have to prepare myself for life without my kids in it. It's finding happiness, without my kids. I will keep fighting the fight. The fight of having that happiness, without kids in your life.

The biggest thing I did was pick up and move across the country. The physical change had a huge impact. I feel like I’ve left and my planet no longer exists. Its about what could have been, not what is. You can’t heal if you keep picking at the scab or are still subjecting yourself to the abuse. You can’t speed up the process either. You have to grieve. You need to give yourself permission to be hurt and feel the hurt. It’s an addiction. It didn’t start out that way but it’s what it becomes. With any addiction you have to substitute in other things where the addiction lives. The best thing is helping people. Praying has been huge for me. People slip away. You stop hurting as much. They become strangers. It’s gradual but it happens. Don’t engage with your son in conflict. You can’t make your son see how he’s hurting you. Let go. Your kids are always in your life, in your heart, but they grow up and sometimes they’re not in your life. It is what it is. Give it to God. Stop carrying this burden, let Him. Soilder on.

Good point. After awhile, I'm feeling better, filling my senior citizen life with other friends, Godly inspiration, few great memories. I had four children, one deceased at 33, several years ago. Third and final marriage, 2 stepsons, which treat me ok, and looking back at having children, one, would have been plenty. This raising kid thing just did not come out for me. Gave them too much, so Iv'e been told. Tough rocks for all. Movin' on.

Don’t beat yourself up. The culture is extraordinarily selfish and emphasizes the wrong things. This is more common than you realize. People cover it up and are ashamed so they don’t talk about it. Like all enablers we’re keeping their secrets and taking the blame. Stop feeling shame. This is a reflection on them, not you. Everyone has a choice.

deville04, I find myself wondering what my life would of BEEN like if I DIDN't have kids. I have heard many, many stories on how badly adult children treat their mom's. Yet, they continue GOING through it, because for them it is a lot worse to not have their kids in their lives. Hearing their stories just made me want to cry. I felt their pain. Wondering why they continued allowing the disrespect. All while I was allowing it too. I wish I had those years back. Years that I allowed to be disrespected by both my kids. I once thought, that my kids just had to mature. I had conversations with other parents that went through it, where I was just started. They said when their kids were in their mid-twenties it got better. But, it didn't go that way for me. Another MOM told me HER stories with her 3 daughters, oldest was in her 40's.

TheCatholicGirl, I think moving far, far away helps a lot. My husband & I MOVED to a different state. Not to get away from my kids, (at that time), it was something we always dreamed about. But, nevertheless, I found it was like "out of sight, out of mind". It did help, starting a fresh life. Leaving a place where you went through tough times. I have even thought of leaving the Country. Now, because of my kids. I agree, we have to grieve the lost. Just like a death of a loved one. For the first time, I'm able to look at my life, without my kids in it. We have to take it one day at a time. I now for the first time, am looking at life and all it's possibilities.

I have wondered this. Wondered all the things. That I’d be better off dead, that’d it’d be better if I didn’t have kids etc... You have to fight this and try and remain positive. My kids, 31, 29, 24 are all productive members of society and hard workers. I try to focus on the positive.

• My challenge now is, my son is reaching out to me. He really always has. But, nothing changes. I've gone through this for 13 years. Basically, his wife never wanted my husband & I AROUND from day 1. I did everything possible to show her kindness. I was excited to have a daughter-in-law. I always hugged her HELLO and goodbyes. I would find little things for her, and surprised HER. I think she just wanted her own family. Which FROM what I've heard, she treats them with little respect as well. Her own brother doesn't speak to her.

HELLO everyone. I think what I hate most about this estrangement with my adult kids, is that I think my kids can go on with their lives easier then I can. I want to just get on with my life. I hate this feeling of numbness and sadness. I know there's nothing I can do to change things. I just wish I can accept things better. I hate these hard day's. I try to tell myself that raising my kids is over. I did a great job, and they both are very productive individuals. I get depressed when I see a mother and daughter shopping together, doings together. Being a grandma to my grandkids is what I thought would happen. But, it DIDN't work that way. So, many dreams I had. I know I will eventually be ok, but will I really be ok? I mean, how do we make our lives fulfilled? When we had all these dreams for our life, not come true.

Hello, everyone here. It's really quite shocking how many of us moms have/are going through this. I wonder why it's happening so much. Did we do something wrong in raising them? I was a stay-at-home mom. For the most part, I loved it. Both my son 32, daughter 28, have their degrees, and careers that pay well. So, I'm happy for that, and like to feel I was a part of their success. The both never got in trouble, earn mostly A's, everyone has said how respectful they are. Except, with my husband & I. I wonder why that is?

My husband & I were great parents. My husband spanked them when they were bad, I sat them down to talk to them. We always did things as a family. When my son had Spring break in college, he wanted to spend it with me. That's how close we were. Changed a lot, when he met his now wife. She never wanted us in the picture. Just her family. With my daughter, we were close too, took a lot of road trips together. Until, she went off to college, and had boyfriend issues. I did a lot for my kids, not the money though.

Then it all changed. My daughter & I planned visits, by BOTH of us, when she went off to college. By, it was a disaster. I traveled a long distance to see her. Like I said, it was planned by us both. But, no sooner did I get there, she ask if her and her boyfriend can borrow my rental car to take HIS mom out to dinner. What???? Never inviting me. I practically just got there. Nothing happen, no fights, etc. I was very excited to be spending time with my daughter. I even ask her if she & I wanted to make dinner for her boyfriend. How can this happen? How can my daughter do that to me? I did nothing wrong, said nothing wrong, so why? It just came lot of the blue. I think she and her boyfriend was having issues. But, why would she treat me like that? The next day, we took a drive and walked on the Golden Gate Bridge. I thought everything was OK. Yet again, she walked so far ahead if me. We didn't even get to walk together. Why is it, we moms, don't do anything wrong, and yet is treated this way? Yet somehow she would turn it all around. Even to this day.

Your daughter is a jerk. She’s doing things to hurt you as much as possible. Either that or she’s so incredibly selfish she can’t see past the end of her nose. In the second case she’s simply using you. The rental car is a good example. Why is she doing this? She made a choice. It really is that simple. We are all selfish and we all do bad things. That isn’t what this is. You daughter feels right in hurting you - she’s committed to it. It is sad. I’m sad every day. You can’t undo this and you can’t control her. I really try hard to have gratitude for the things I do have. Even fresh clean water from the faucet is more than a good deal of the world. Think about all Jesus did for you and how we abuse Him in the same ways. Hang in there.

Same words come to mind in my case. enabler, pain, satanic treatment from adult children. done with it all now, feel great, have peace of mind.

Catholic Girl, your right, thank you. What makes kids so hurtful like this? I am doing better. But, I think it's because I come here. You and others basically have saved my life. I feel I can pick myself up now. Have a life. I know it will not always be easy, but for the first time I think I might just come out of this a stronger person. I now know I have a chance at having a good, rest of my life. You know what's sad and shocking, that both my kids DON'T even know, admit, acknowledge that they anything wrong. I have a long list of things they did, that was so disrespectful and hurtful. Then I forgave them, over and over. I think now I have to just have no contact, and start the mourning process.

Did anyone ever doubt yourself? Your decision, if what your kids did, really was not just YOU (us) being "overly sensitive"? Because, I did that a lot. Drove me crazy. That's when I kept forgiving the behavior by them both. Just to have it keep happening. That's what I need to start doing. Appreciate what I do have. Be better to myself. Expect, better treatment and respect.

HELLO everyone. I find myself coming here quite often these days. It helps. I'm doing much better. But, I do have my harder moments in my day. I'm surprisingly not as sad about my kids. But, I am sad about my 3 grandsons. I think that's why I put up with all the disrespect from my son and his wife. So, I can be a grandma to them, and a part of their lives. Even when my son's wife tried to make it as difficult as possible. It hurts knowing I won't be seeing them. No matter how my son's wife treated my husband and I, I kept trying. Honestly, she tried her hardest to not have us there when they were born. Yet, her family was always there. She put up all kinds of obstacles. I wish I saw this coming, and avoided all this pain. If only, I would of stopped it a long, long time ago. I hope I can get over this pain soon. It was already so hard getting over the lost of my son & daughter. I had such hopes and dreams. Such a happiness in ME, that I DON'T think I will ever have again.

you do get over it, I did, movin' on.

You didn’t do it before because this is painful. You make excuses, think it’s a bad patch. You don’t end relationships because of some bad encounters. You end relationships because the relationship is bad for both. My door is still open. No money. No presents. No visits. I let them know I love them and the doors open. I blew up at them all at one point or another about their disgusting behavior. They aren’t going to visit again unless they can be decent. The few short visits I’ve had since the blow ups they’ve treated me with mostly respect. My middle son recently apologized. Just an I’m sorry mom. It was about my daughters and my relationship. I apologized to him about my daughters possible abuse to him. Some more open conversation occurred before that. He didn’t respond. I haven’t heard from him since. But that’s not important to me anymore. I hope it helps him in the long run. I want him to come out the other side of this. Life is short. This isn’t a simple thing or an on/off button. Do some reading. Watch some YouTube videos. On this topic I mean.

Love your kids enough to give them the space they want.

Hi. I don't feel I'm as strong as some of you on here. Maybe, one day. But, since finding this place, has been the single best thing that has helped me. I was doing pretty good lately, thanks to you all here. I was doing things again. I have my goals back. I'm excited about my life again. It felt so good! Until, I received a text from both my kids. Two weeks apart. Basically, telling me when I'm ready, to contact them. No mentioning anything that gave me hope. My son said, when I can feel comfortable around him and his wife, to contact him. Basically, I took it as, when I'm ready to take more hurt, pain, and disrespect, to give them a call. Because, bottom line, that's the only way I can have a relationship with them. So, this has thrown me backwards again. But, I won't let them do it to me again.

I think you reach the point where you're so tired. So, tired of the heartache. So, tired physically & emotionally. You give up. But, maybe that's a good thing. Then you can give up, pick yourself up, and get back amongst the living again. I know I can do it now. But, in order for me to start 'living again'..I have to shut out all contact with my kids. Because, it hurts too much. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Thank you CatholicG,your posts are so helpful to me. I'm being very sincere, I have confidence I can get over my pain from my kids now. I can focus, finally on 'me'. You sharing your story with your kids, really has helped me. I think I understand what you are saying about leaving the door open. Do you still feel the pain, or are you past that? By that I mean, does your kids still hurt you? I just don't want to spend the rest of my life being hurt by my kids. That's why I feel, at least right now, I have to protect myself. By having no contact. Maybe, with time, I can become stronger. But, I wonder, if that is ever possible being a mom. I feel I will always be vulnerable with my kids. Especially, if I give in and trust again.

deville,you say you are at peace now? How did you do that? Do you have any contact with your kids? How old are they? I always wondered how did we parents (especially mom's)..get here? Why is this happening so much these days? We didn't spoil our kids. We disciplined our kids. Spanked our kids. I think we were great parents. My husband & I was NEVER like our kids of today. I will never understand. How our kids have so little respect for us. When never bought their love. We gave/showed it. By ALWAYS being there for them Always involved in their schools and activities. All the time 24/7. Did things together as a family. We as mom's, took care of them when they were sick. So, what happened?

By maintaining a pure heart. Parents will somehow always love their children. At this time however they are exhibiting bad behavior. Ages 47, 41, 36. One dead 2009. age 33. We have to draw grace from God, and once we get it and we are truly sincere, it will flow on his timetable. Not ours. Whether the reason is real or perceived with these kids it does not matter. Fixing it, is the wisdom we all want to accomplish our own peace. Be strong. Sail on calm waters.

I’m so sorry for your loss deville04. That is so true. God is in control, not us. I’ve been where you are naturewoman. The Little Shaman Healing on YouTube has helped me a lot. You are coming through this. First you have to give yourself time. Healing has its own timetable. It took me years and I still have bad days. Contact with them can send me in a downward spiral - but less and less. You raised your kids. Your obligation is over. If it was respectful and they were seeking advice and guidance that’s different. My children have become strangers to me and I’ve just accepted that. It’s their choice, not mine. I love the time I had raising them. I will never stop praying for them. I’m trying to live in the present. Changing my environment helped tremendously.

I love you guys. Come visit me in FL! Really! Screw your kids.

Deville, thank you for sharing. So, sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the toughest thing to go through. For me, having to do what I know I have to do, is like a death of both my kids. Do any of you feel that way? Deville, your kids are older. At what age did your kids start acting up, therefore hurting you? Catholic, that would be so nice to come visit you and all of us together, hug and go out and have fun!!! I've never been to FL. I live in WA State.

Hi it's me again. Lol. I was doing really good, up to Monday. I had a really bad Jan./Feb. I realized I had to remove myself from my adult kids. I finally realized, I had to make changes. I had to put my dog, that I loved so much, to sleep. A woman I cared for, passed away. So, all of it at once, was very difficult. This woman was like a mother to me. So, I was mourning 3 deaths at once.

I told myself, allow myself to cry, to be angry, and know it will be, one day at a time. So, what helped me is to go at my own pace. When I was ready, first day, get up and get out of my p.j.'s. try to eat. Then the next day, brush my teeth, wash my face, put perfume on. Then the next, go outside and take walks with my other 3 dogs. Then the next day, do it again, and keep adding one 'GOOD' thing each day. Shower, a little makeup, and taking drives to walk my dogs. After doing this for a few weeks, I actually felt excited about my life again.

I put my cell in my drawer, turned off. I had to check it once a day, for any important calls from my husband. Well, that one day, I heard from my son one week, my daughter the next week. My son said, "let us know when you feel comfortable around us again". Next week, my daughter, something like this "mom you are allowing your feelings to dictate your actions, by stopping communication". When you want to talk, get in touch with me. This all might not sound bad to you all, but to me it felt like, we can't change & understand your feelings, so when YOU (me) changes, contact them. In a text, they said that. Now, I've fallen down again, and it feels like "hey, you say we disrespect you, we say we don't..So, get in touch with us when YOU REALIZE IT'S YOU, NOT US". I now have to be VERY, VERY CAREFUL to NOT read anything they send. I have to start over again, but I will make it. They will NOT take anymore of my life.

Or they could be legitimately be trying to keep the door open to you but don’t want to press you to walk through it before you are emotionally ready to give them the opportunity to have a relationship?

Maybe what you interpret their texts to mean isn’t what they actually mean, but it’s up to you to decide if you are willing to try again for a better relationship.

Hi Jenn. You are right, I have thought about that. I think I'm just so emotional beat up, I can't think anymore. I want peace. I want to finally have a life that isn't so full of pain. I mistrust. I don't feel my kids care about me. I just want to live my life, and enjoy things again. Be happy again.

I once, years ago, was so hurt and in so much pain, for the things my kids did to me, I wanted the pain to go away so bad, I wanted to end my life. Now, I just want to be living my life without pain. Enjoy life, accomplishment my goals. I was a stay-at-home mom, so now I want to do things for myself. But, all my issues with my kids started, when they went off to college. I thought it was going to be my time, to do all those things, I dreamed of when my kids were older and away to college. But, instead it was full of hurt & pain. So, bad that 13 years I have not accomplished anything. Just crying.

You can still do the things you were hoping to do when they left the nest, if you’re breathing that means it’s not too late! The college years mark the beginning of trying to figure out how to live as an adult and some have more turmoil during this than others - much to their parents’ dismay!

Take the time you need to do what you want to do for yourself but keep that relationship door open a crack, when you’re ready to try again it will be there and if you’re never ready that’s your decision too. Just don’t fall into the trap of reading into what’s said from a place of hurt, consider their saying ‘come to us when you’re ready’ to mean just that and nothing else. “Come when you are ready” is a statement with so much hope and positivity, let it be this for you! You’ll know when it’s time!

Thank you Jenn. I appreciate everything you have been saying. To a complete stranger. Have you gone through this? Right now, I'm just afraid I will never let them back into my life. Once, I recover from this, I don't want to go through it again. I won't trust ever again. I have gone through this for 13 years. Keep thinking things will change. Thinking maybe they just need to mature. But, I don't see it ever changing, and I don't want to keep hoping. My kids have been such a roller coaster of pain for me. What I can't get past is, the fact that they don't even see the pain they have caused me. I believe, by their own admission, they think it's me. My daughter told me that. I went through some pretty horrible treatment by both of them. I tried to get past it, and I do for awhile. Until, something else happens.

I was once the angry and disrespectful adult daughter. It took my parents moving across the country for my relationship with them to begin changing for the better, and a bit over a decade to come to a point of moving cross country to be close to them. The mister and I moved to where they retired to in August 2017.

I spent years with a man who was physically and emotionally abusive. I tried my best to keep that from my parents and TBH I was ashamed of the fact that I had gotten into such a situation, the daily terror of it not just because he threatened my life but that of my parents. Looking back I saw how much they tried to do the right things when I was growing up and that I had gotten lost in the effort in putting up a facade to hide the abuse. When they moved was when I found the strength to leave my abuser, and then the road to healing began. So for me it wasn’t necessarily specific things my parents did but my emotional state was so broken that anything they said/did was enough to set me off. I had to have time and space away from them to become the (relatively) independent adult I needed to be - one who is more considerate, with clearly defined boundaries I wouldn’t have ever discussed with my parents before. It’s a balance between the needs of myself and family and consideration for my parents. The mister and I are licensed foster parents while my brother and SIL have 4 kids so they took the pressure for biological grandchildren off of me.

The most hurtful thing I ever said to my mom was that she and I would never be friends - what I’d meant was that I needed her to be a parent not a friend but both of us were in a place to let our hurt feelings make us read what wasn’t actually there into the actual words.

naturewoman23 you can only control yourself and it is not ok to put up with people treating you with anything less than the dignity and respect you deserve - that everyone deserves. Even if those people are your kids. I don’t know what the future holds but I do believe you don’t get time back, these estrangements cause irreparable damage and the fault usually falls mostly on one side, like all abuse. We can’t save our children from self-destruction. Your children are being dismissive because they can’t really face what they’ve done. Acting like nothing is wrong is endorsing the behavior and hurting them most of all. Sometimes the best response is no response. One thing I did is I packed away all the photos. Cleared out their room. Redecorated. When I was ready I sorted out the pictures in piles for each one (I saved a few for myself but they’re out of site and I do not look at them - those are different people). I made them each a photo album and a memory box with a few childhood items (I still have to do my daughters as we got called away across the country for my husbands job). I gave my sons theirs - with no expectations at all. This really helped me let go.

@naturewoman23

I should note that the distance and only seeing my parents twice a year was the classic “don’t know what you have until it’s gone” scenario. I knew that no matter what, they would always keep that door open so when it was the right time I simply needed to walk through it.

In the end, the decision on whether or not to choose letting yourself hold onto hope for the future with your kids is up to you. Take the time to accomplish whatever goals you were putting off and focus on positive things. Maybe you’ll decide you’re ready to have a relationship and maybe you won’t. I just think that there’s more potential emotional peace when you decide ‘not now, but I’m not ruling it out forever’ and then go do the things you’ve been wanting to do and let your heart heal.

Do you really believe you have any sort of relationship with your parents Jenn? Without reconciliation?

Actually we do have a really good relationship now, or my husband and I would have stayed in SoCal instead of moving across the country to where they live and where my brother and his family live. We visit for dinner a few times a month, talk on the phone/text daily, and most importantly we respect each other’s boundaries.

If you’re asking whether or not I went to them and begged forgiveness for being disrespectful, if I acknowledged that I’m the one who is the problem and that they are blameless, or performed the desired expression of gratitude for being allowed around the family? No. None of those are actually reconciliation at all. When I got to the place where I could have a respectful adult conversation where they respected me as an adult; when they listened and I listened, that’s how we reconciled.

Ok Jenn. I don’t really know what went on with you and you’re family, but you simply don’t get it. That would be appropriate for normal levels of family dysfunction but not abusive levels.

I thought I would let you know naturewoman23, while it was fresh in my mind, I let my kids know they owe me a massive apology, I blocked them, let them know I blocked them and they could contact me through e-mail. This has gone on for over 15 years and I’ve realized I’m just the scapegoat! My own kids ghosted and gaslighted me and continue to do so. I don’t trust them. That’s on them. We also have some very real concerns with my sisters. And I believe they’re being used to spy. I’m doing no one any favors by tolerating this. I’ve put the ball in their court. It’s getting to the point where I value my peace, space, and living without abuse than seeing them. They’re strangers. I also have realized I don’t really want them in this new space, I feel like they will disturb the peace and tranquility and won’t be the same. They don’t deserve this piece of me. Let me qualify this by saying this is a case of parental alienation by my ex, helped along by my sister. This is hard but there’s nothing good here. If you don’t have alienation it may not be similar. Anyway, thought I’d let you know! It’s hard! I’m going to work on filling my life with better things.

Every time I have discussed part of this subject with others in this thread, @catholic girl, you have shown up to tell me I’m wrong or that I don’t ‘get it’. Seriously, EVERY TIME you return to ‘correct’ me and I am just as entitled to comment as anyone else.

Sorry if you’re offended Jenn but you don’t get it. We all can’t understand everything someone else is going through.

I’m not offended, I’m annoyed. But *you* don’t get it.

Right, sure. Maybe you can quit trying to control what others do in another forum? Because I will post where and when I want.

I was just suggesting there might be a more appropriate forum for you to find some peace.

No, you’re trying to push me out.

Not at all Jenn. I’m just confused as to why you’re here.

Umm...because I was responding to other people on this thread which you have a habit of coming in afterwards to question why I’m here, tell me I don’t understand, etc.

Really you have amply illustrated just why your kids don’t want to deal with you. I mean seriously, who wants to be around someone who can never admit they are wrong, who pushes them away because they don’t like what they are hearing from them, and expects apologies and capitulation on the misguided belief they deserve them but danged if they ever truly apologize for anything because they imagine they are a perfect parent it’s their kids who are the damaged goods. How do you think they get that way, lady.

I said two things to you Jenn. You are really over the top. You really twisted things. I was very concerned for naturewoman because you gave her really bad advice, guiltying her. She’s in a very fragile state and in an abusive relationship. Which you don’t seem to get, you can’t detach from your own experience. It was very inappropriate. You seem very angry and like you have something to prove. This isn’t about you. You are extremely immature. I’m not going to even respond to your comments about my kids. You are clueless. Why are you trolling this board? You’re very nasty.

As if you haven’t said similar things packaged in a vaguely reworked way — after first trashing my advice you return to present it as uniquely yours.

The overview: I’ve said that the only side one can control is their own, that a positive focus on making efforts to do whatever life goal has been put off can help and doesn’t require dealing with the family issue at a time when a break is needed for the sake of sanity, and that IF AND WHEN she wants to come back to try and build a relationship that bearing in mind that maybe they aren’t just waiting to get a chance to be cruel again - maybe they actually want to try and rebuild the damaged relationship. It’s still entirely up to her whether she wants to try! Have you read ANYTHING I’ve actually written or just decided you know what I actually meant? As long as everyone is still living there’s still a chance for reconciliation and reconnecting. Having a strong, loving connection to family offers incredible positive potential and if one doesn’t have to completely sever them, even if they need a break to recharge personally - why would anyone want to encourage closing that door forever with no exceptions considered!? It’s not healthy and deprives the one who does so just as much if not more than those who they cut ties from! It’s cutting off your nose to spite your face.

As for detaching from my own experience - and just where do you *not* include your own experience? Inappropriate? Might want to consider removing the plank in your eye before trying to lecture me about the speck in mine.

Step back and let the egos subside. This blog is for help for all of us with severe life's pain. Praying helps on bad days. Be strong, move forward with a pure heart.

Thank you, @deville04!

deville04 - do you ever see your kids? Do you want to?

Is it just that you can’t bear the possibility that someone might make a choice to be open to reconnecting with their kids at some point and no longer commiserating with you?? Like if they do reconnect while you continue to be rejected by your kids, you try to make them decide to stop so you can have company to wallow with?

Seriously, not everyone has to do what you do, agree with your view, or what works for you works for them! Consider for one fraction of a second that though you don’t like the advice from someone else because it’s not what you would advise, that others may feel differently! And you don’t have a monopoly on who gets to comment - here or in the real world.

No Jenn. Not at all. You aren’t even close.

And I should believe that denial? No.

We all can’t understand everything someone else is going through.

I think by communicating with each other we open the doors to understanding.

I’ve said that the only side one can control is their own

If everyone understood that profound piece of wisdom there would be a lot less conflict and a lot more happiness.

Hi everyone. I was reading about this issue on other sites too. One mom said she has gone through this for many years, and the pain hurts just the same when it started. Bummed me because I'm starting to realize this will be with me my entire life. I'm doing everything I can think of, to move on. Maybe, it still takes more than time.

I was doing pretty good, until I received text from my kids. What I have been doing is put my phone in a drawer. It seemed to work. 'out of site...out of mind'.. I check on my phone every few days or more. But, it was working. Thought I'd pass that along. When I had to check, I noticed two text. Which did upset me, and set me back. My daughter basically said, "mom, you are letting your FEELINGS control your ACTIONS"...Well, in my mind, what I'm constantly getting hurt over, her lack of showing respite. She tells me, (and I've seen it over the years). She has a lot of compassion. Compassion for friends, her brother, roommates, strangers. But, I never felt her compassion for me. She'd stand up for them. Never me. Hard to say this in words, to explain how it feels. My one big example, was when I was at my lowest and the pain I went through by my kids, I didn't want to live. I wanted the pain to stop.

I was lost and scared, I thought I could reach out to my daughter. This was the first time I felt this bad and it was so hard to even get it out. I took that risk of opening up. My daughter was very cold. Said, she can't help me, I have to help myself. If I could, I certainly would. It was so hard to admit how I was feeling and my bad thoughts in my head. It scared me. I couldn't stop with those thoughts. This was about about eight years ago. I Don't have those thoughts anymore. I won't allow my kids to do that to me ever again. So, with THOSE FEELINGS, of course I would then have a REACTION. So, that's how I took what she said to me in that last text. I Don't anything back anymore. Reaction...is not to react to her comments anymore. That bothers her. I just Don't have the energy for it. That goes for both my kids.

naturewoman0123 Its taken me years but I’m over it and it happened rather suddenly. It was like a switch was flipped. But there was a lot of hard work. I believe it was the grace of God. But also the work I’ve done. I’ve seen the reality of who my kids are and it isn’t pretty. I’ve accepted that I don’t like who they are. I’ve also accepted the situation for what it is and not what I would like it to be. I’ve also accepted that I am unwilling to be treated without respect and gratitude. I am unwilling to accept their abuse. Text is easy and intrusive. My sons text me. My daughter does not. I texted them both that I was blocking them in text and that they would have to communicate to me through e-mail. I had a very rough week and then BOOM it was better just like that. All of this is a dysfunctional family pattern that repeats itself over and over. Remaining in the abuse prevents healing. By the work I’ve done I mean counseling, reading, listening to YouTube videos and some serious self reflecting on my family of origin and how the problem was created. Bottom line is they made a choice. A really crappy choice that is impacting every part of their lives. Every choice we make forms who we are. I can’t control that. That is between them and God and way above my pay grade. Talking to other people won’t heal you. Detaching and distancing yourself and understanding the situation will. I feel better than I have in years. If nothing happens I’m ok with that and is far preferable to what the relationship is now. They are condescending, rude, hurtful etc... They deny, diminish, dismiss, blame, project and lie. Its to justify their crappy behavior. It’s the same story over and over. I feel completely liberated. Have hope. It is possible to feel great again.

Hello everyone here. Catholicgirl,just knowing that in time, with a lot of hard work, you are doing ok now. Gives me hope for me in my future. Thank so much for all you've shared, has made a HUGE difference for me. Because, of you opening up about what you went through, I now have Hope in my life. Because, I remember a time, I didn't think I was going to make it.

What has helped first, was finding this site. Knowing I'm not alone. Because, before coming here, all I heard was mother's and their adult children getting along. NEVER talk of difficulties. Made me feel alone, & it must be me. Something is wrong with me. That was so hard to feel that. (cont.)

I have been doing a lot of the things you mention. Soul searching. It has helped. I focus on the saying ' it this too will pass'. Like the mourning period. Just knowing too that I'm positive my kids aren't thinking of me much. They are going about their lives. Then here I am in pain every single day. Makes me angry. Instead of before, I was so devastated, depressed, & and not wanted to go on like this. Every single minute of a day. Then, something started changing inside me. Like, "I'm mad as well, and I'm not taking it anymore". Angry & care for myself, has made the difference. I just want to let you know I appreciate all that you have done, that helped me. Makes me think, when I get stronger, I'm going to devote my life in helping others with this. For me it's like a death of a child. My case both my kids. Please try and keep in touch ok. I enjoy reading your posts, and hearing from you. Whether it's your ups or downs.

Naturewoman0123, I am so happy to hear from you and that you’re healing! So happy! I sometimes still cry and am blue but it’s few and far between. It’s amazing. I am coming out the other side a new person. And you should be angry. They should have gratitude. We all owe our parents a debt of gratitude. No one is perfect and how ironic that they expect it! Don’t let them steal your joy!

I DON't see any comments here anymore. I hope that means everyone is doing much better. It's been 1 year now. Still estranged from both my kids. I come here every once in awhile. It helps ME stay strong. TheCatholicGirl, your words of wisdom really has helped me. Although, I still get depressed and it's a constant battle, I still have to force myself to be happy. I mean really happy. I think what the hardest part is I can't see my 3 grandsons. My daughter-in-law won't allow it. I hope people will come back here and post. Because, it really helps to not feel alone on this issue.

How are you doing naturewoman0123?